AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

You need three or four bedrooms really. If you WFH you can hire spots to work from.

We have given large deposits to our DC towards houses, with no strings attached. We go by the ‘better for them to have it now’. It makes no difference to us financially but it has done to our DC.
You’re over thinking. Take the money.

realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house

For 3 kids?

I’m not sure why people are so bothered about a spare room. It was one of my criteria when buying a house too. We then had an unplanned second child, the DC are sharing at the moment (they’re 5 and 2) but when they’re older we’ll lose our spare room (actually we’ll still have one very small spare room but it’s too small really to be a spare room and is used as a study for WFH). Life happens, and you never know whether you may need that extra space. Stamp duty is expensive.

Anyway, re the deposit, I’d decline on the basis it doesn’t seem fair to DH’s siblings. If appropriate you could perhaps suggest you’d be happy to accept 1/4 of what they’ve offered to ease the financial burden of buying if the other 3/4 is shared out.

I'd not want to take a large chunk of money from my inlaws if they hadn't done the same for their other children either. I wonder if your dh could suggest to them maybe it would be fairer splitting the money being offered between all their children and you can use your share towards the house and his siblings can put it to their mortgages or whatever they want with it. That's the only fair thing to do really.

FIL paid for DH house back in the early 2000s, DH has nearly paid back everything but due to a shitstorm in PIL marriage, they’re now talking about our house owing their estate the current market value (it’s tippled in price since the purchase). Their estate is worth approximately 1.5M, without the equity made on our house. Our house is worth now approximately £210K.

So, just to add another spin, be careful what you wish for as it might come back to bite you.

YABU but I mean this kindly.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!! Think about your in-laws generous offer as one for your kids - their grandchildren. If they have money to give while they’re alive then let them. Better for everyone and HMRC doesn’t get a cut 😊

Having Read your responses I think you are making the right decision for you regarding the money,
especially given sibling dynamics in your husbands family.

In my early 20s my mum gave me a small amount of money and honestly I wish she hadn’t. The level
of control she then thought that she could exert over me and continual comments regarding the money partially led eventually to us being estranged ( also other things at play too ).
she felt she had the right to control both mine and my children’s life because I owed her ( even when money was repaid )

I think the money would cause more trouble than it’s worth to take and would impact on a significant number of relationships within the family.

I’m not sure if this has been mentioned, but given you’re concerned about the siblings, could you stipulate you’re happy to accept their kind offer, but would like their will to be adjusted to reflect the amount you’ve already had?

On another note, don’t feel bad about wanting the extra bedrooms, you’re happy to pay for it yourself so it’s nobody’s business!!

Ps, your husband sounds lovely. Where can I find me one of those?

I think people would be more understanding of your dilemma if you'd mentioned the siblings in the OP. You don't mention it til much later.

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable when the PIL are treating their DC so differently. That is really awkward when you're talking huge amounts of money. If you are undecided, I would ultimately go with your DH's decision. I think if the tables were turned, I would want the decision to be mine when it's my family. DH sometimes says he'd rather not accept my parent's support - and we're talking a one off £1000 for a summer holiday we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford - but my wishes override his.

Difference is tho you have both given to all your children

i get where @ThatZippyWasp is coming from with only them getting a large wad of cash

fair way is to say to in-laws. Thank you so much but I would feel awful not all your children benefit so to share the amount between the 4 of them

You obviously feel uncomfortable with the family situation here - but would be able to afford a better house with PIL's offer. Why doesn't DH have a discussion with his parents, say it is a lovely offer, but we cannot accept as it will (and it will!) cause family strife. All PIL's need to do is make gifts to all siblings of the same amount at the same time - you won't get as much, but family harmony will be kept intact.

I'd suggest your husband say to his parents that you appreciate the offer but they should treat all the siblings the same. So you are happy to take 1/4 of the money if the rest goes to his siblings. If the offer was made for inheritance tax reasons they should be on board with that. Do it quickly - inheritance tax exemptions can disappear.

You only need 4 bedrooms. If niece has a room with you temporarily a couple of your children share for a few years. It's not a big deal and they might even like it. If you are not happy with that then it's 5 beds, not 6.

You cant assume that this offer is solely because he's the favourite son. You dont actually know they had just as much money in the past, you are not party to their finances. Also passing on pensions used to be free of inheritance tax, now it isnt many people are rethinking their financial plans.

We gave our kid a large house deposit, no strings attached. Considering offering more to enable them to get a bigger property but OH is not keen.

Personally I think good on you OP.
Can you imagine the thread in reverse 'my parents gifted my DB a huge sum of money but not me, aibu' I'd put money on people saying the situation isn't fair!
If other siblings had been/were going to be gifted too then I'd accept gracefully but with unequal displays of behaviour I think you're right to want to stay out of that as much as possible.

I do think you're a bit mad 'needing' 5 or 6 beds - could it be that a 4 bed but with extra living space (study / playroom that can double up as a spare bedroom) would be an option too? However, your money your choice.
You did say about your niece living with you as you're close to the college/school for her A levels, but you've also mentioned looking at other areas to live in.
Plus, as lovely as it is to want to help her, I'm presuming this will hopefully be a forever home and your niece will only be with you for a couple of years so I wouldn't make such a big decision based on that, as nice a thing to do as it is.

So you are looking at houses 1.5 million or so if have £450k deposit saved and 30%

Why are so many people sniping at the OP for how many bedrooms she wants? It's not the question and it's not your business. People need to wind their necks in.

OP, I get it. It sounds inequitable and like it could cause resentments. I think money always comes with strings.

Exactly the OP knows exactly what she wants. She is sensible and considerate of others.

This wins the stupid comment ever seen on MN.

literally every other thread on here assumes EVERYONE has a spare room or a spare wing of the house, it’s practically a running joke about how MC this place is.

why wouldn’t she have a spare room? Or a study/hobby room. Almost everyone else on MN seems to have one.

it beggars belief that you (and some others) can’t comprehend that someone would want a bit more space than they technically need.

"realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house" is what people are questioning. They dont. Want and need are not the same. They could possibly buy the house they need without taking the money, the one they want may currently be out of reach.

@ThatZippyWasp i think you’re wise to go into this with your eyes wide open.

raise the inheritance issue with your H, so that he makes sure that his siblings are not missing out as it will cause rifts after his parents have gone. They need to know this.

fwiw, if you can get them to plan this so that the siblings have an equal or proportional share in future so that it’s fair on everyone, that the money is a gift, that it’s for the benefit of the family/children etc, then I absolutely think you should go for it. Your family WILL be better off and more secure.

I think we would all agree that it’d be nice to have a spare room for visitors if we could?

I can only dream of being in this situation.

This 100%

Right but when someone's entire thread is about how they're struggling to afford a house of the size they want (not need, want) and are uncomfortable about accepting financial help ...it's a relevant point to make? They could just buy a smaller house and be done with the hand wringing. Most people with 3 DC manage just fine without a 6 bedroom house in Dulwich 😂

Realistically you absolutely do not need a 5 or six bedrooomed house. Either overcome your scruples and take the money or get a smaller house. You seem to want it all ways.

Also cant think why you thought it was in any way a senible decision to sell your house and rent and then have three children before worrying about how you were going to buy your next house.