AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

I think you’ve answered your own questions.

don’t take the money. Or at least ask pils if they would split it between dh and his siblings or gift the siblings the same.

buy your 5 bedroom house. You can have whatever sized house you like if you can afford it.

I initially voted you would take the money but after you explained about your SIL I understand your hesitation better. It really does sound like your PIL are playing favourites and I would want no part of that either. Maybe tell them you couldn’t accept anything not offered to siblings also so whilst you would gratefully accept help, it could only be a sum all siblings received equally otherwise it would be unfair. You are not expecting them to do that though so you are happy to manage yourselves.

We are not taking his parents offer. We will buy the house ourselves and if they do want to help us they can put the money aside for our children and the other grandchildren.

I am not comfortable having their help based on their family dynamic with DHs siblings and do not want to get involved. As much as the offer was nice and quite tempting I just don’t think it’s worth it and my gut tells me it’ll come with a of of subtly expectations.

Jump at the chance and be gracious

Well on first reading I was all for you accepting but its a concern that they are only bothered about helping one of their children. If your husband accepts that could create a rift between him and his siblings.

If I were in your husband's situation I would thank them and ask if they would be prepared to split any money between them. This of course is a far smaller amount but if as you say they have plenty of money then perhaps they could put more in the pot to begin with.

If your husband doesn't get on with any of his siblings then perhaps it won't matter to him what they think but if he wants to preserve a good relationship with them then I would make clear to my parents it's all of us or none of us. Unless you are facing homelessness or are stuck in accommodation that is harmful to your children's or your health then desperate times.....

I see you've made your decision and I think you're right. They shouldn't have put your husband in this situation in the first place imho.

If you can i would keep your independence. Gifts often come with strings - they may well have plans for that 5th bedroom when one of them becomes widowed!

Well done OP for listening to your gut, which is a good one.
There is a toxicity in that family and you do not want the relationship soured because they play favourites.
I don't believe for a second that money would be without strings.
Toxic parents that have obvious favourites, can cause terrible sadness and grief.
I wouldn't want to be beholden too them for a minute when the fall out could remain when they are long gone.

I’m on the other side of this situation. We offered our son and his partner their full deposit. His partner, like you, was wary of accepting. We explained to her, it was purely a gift - no strings whatsoever. In fact, we told our son, if they were ever to split, we would hope he would leave the property so her and their children would always have a home. To us, we were happy to be in a position to help them while we were alive to see them reap the benefit but in reality, it was always to be for the benefit of our grandchildren.

@Hotterthebetter If you have other children, did you also offer a similar monetary gift to them?

That's the issue, his siblings aren’t been treated in the same way and it makes the OP and her DH uncomfortable. I can’t imagine treating my children so unequally, it’s blatant favoritism and bound to cause problems.

I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole of lovely houses I can never afford 🤣. Buy this one @ThatZippyWaspif only for the lovely garden and staircase https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/173328041

You are right to turn the money down. My parents did this. They gave a huge amount of money to my youngest brother (we are also 4 children) to buy a house. When we siblings found out it was horrible and the family relationships never recovered. It was so upsetting to realise how much he was favoured.

We do have another son and when he was ready to purchase, we gave him the exact same amount.
I wouldn’t ever treat them differently so I do understand OP’s reticence in accepting when her husband’s siblings haven’t been offered the same.

Actually, thinking on this, I think she’s right to decline as it could potentially cause ill feeling among them.

Exactly @Hotterthebetter, it’s quite bizarre behavior by his parents tbh, almost guaranteed to cause resentment if they accept the money. Best to decline in this situation.

So you aren’t going to Accept their money for a house. Fair enough

will dh talk to his parents and suggest all 4 get the same amount and then can go in kids accounts etc

I think that's a wise decision.
I've seen first hand exactly as you describe. Favourite son gets a helping hand and others get nothing, only it's further down the line and the money has been mentioned a few times already.

You'd have never thought it from the person, but the minute the money was given, she grew wings.

The resentment from other 2 brothers is just simmering at the moment but enough to cause tension.

The money can always go to the kids in future but once you take it, it's difficult to give back if things get tricky.

Its a great idea.

It was mentioned they said they’ve all bought houses so ‘what’s the need’ which solidified my decision. I said to DH he can take the money if he wants but we aren’t using it for the house and I will not live in house bought by his parents money, we have enough deposit, we’ve worked hard to save and I do not want to get into his family dynamics. He has agreed he doesn’t want the money after conversation with his parents, they’re not happy but that’s another story.

As well as the siblings dynamic with the PILs I think even if that wasn’t the case. They’ll always be expectations from PIL it’s a lot of money and I don’t want to feel as though I owe them something. I feel as though they’d be inclined to be more comfortable to dictate how DH and I parent, live etc and it’s just not worth it.

Siblings may have brought houses but unlikely to be mortgage free

so in-laws don’t want to give all dc the same ?

If they’re not happy that alone validates your decision. Your stance was entirely reasonable.

It's okay to offer. It’s another thing entirely to try to force acceptance. This ‘gift’ would have strings - probably ropes - attached.

I suspect they may have been trying to line you up as their carer.

ONLY!? Do you realise the average deposit for a house is 10%? If I had 30% I would think I can well afford it

The average deposit being 10% and OP's being 30% has nothing to do with affordability. Even at 30% deposit, they are looking at a mortgage amount of in excess of £1m. Taking on a mortgage of £1m at 40yrs old is a stretch for anyone. That's committing to repayment of between £5-7k per month, every month, until 60s. That's not typically very sustainable from earnings alone.

I think you've done the right thing. Inequity between siblings will drive an enormous wedge long term and being the golden child he's already at risk of that.

If they hassle you directly, I'd simply say that you are not comfortable being treated differently and there's no good reason [eg a disabled child needing special accommodation or similar]. Your choice as a family to stretch your finances to buy what you want as a long term play is entirely your choice, it's not a reason to give you cash. If they want to look at long term tax efficiencies then opening ISA's for their grandchildren or savings funds for education would be hugely appreciated.