AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

I received help from my parents, it's very normal, if it's possible for them that is.

You’re talking about a six bedroom house in Dulwich that would cost you about £2 million minimum. Consider 3 miles south of the where you get the same house for 50% less and not have this weird link with PIL.

I have no idea why you’re getting such a pasting here OP, other than the fact you posted in AIBU which is a bit of a hotbed of grumpy contrarians at the best of times.

You are choosing familial harmony and equity between your DH’s siblings, over money which it sounds like you don’t strictly need. It’s absolutely the correct decision morally.

If his parents are desperate to offload cash to avoid IHT, let them do so equitably in a manner than won’t cause potentially lifelong rifts between their children.

I agree with your position entirely.

I wouldn’t take a penny from anyone and you are right to be uncomfortable about their offer.

I think you sound very wise, thoughtful and considerate. I can understand where you are coming from. It's a lovely offer by the parents and would help you and the family out so much but the fact that none of the siblings have had this help would be a worry. It's good that your husband is open to what you think you should both do. If your husband was an only child I think you could accept the offer but he's not so it could cause problems. You just have to wonder if it would be worth it.

You need a 5 or 6 bedroom house?!

Thats madness!!!! For context, I have 6 children and we are made to live in a house with 3 bedrooms and a tiny (desk only) box room. Despite pleas for additional space as we have 2 disabled children who need a bit of extra room, we are told no by the diocese who recently moved us into a smaller house than the one we originally saw and agreed to move into. Husband works a lot from home and we have a carer in a lot too. This is normal life for people. Struggle.

Sounds like you could easily be living in a normal house already without any additional help as you’ve said you have so much in savings.
Perhaps the in-laws think you have no money for a house and this is why they are offering to help?? maybe they assume your position is difficult?

Your children are extraordinarily close in age if you have a baby of one and are already almost due another one. Kids that close can share bedrooms very easily.

Why not look for a 3 bed semi like everyone else with a family, given how the world is now. People are losing ‘solid’ jobs all the time and rates will rise again.

I do think 6 bedrooms is madness unless you are planning on carrying on with one a year for the next 15 years and becoming the Duggars 😂😂

(I know a lovely family with 11 children and even they don’t have 6 bedrooms!)

It's not relevant because she hasn't asked about it.
Who do people think they are telling other people what they are allowed and not allowed to want?
You just sound jealous and bitter.

I think you are right to stay independent, especially regarding the inequality re siblings.

Indeed.

But in London it’s far less common. Due to astronomical house prices

Snd they are 39 years old and only have 30% of a deposit, so seem not to be able to afford 5 or 6 bedrooms

Outskirts of E Dulwich , 2 of the bedrooms are box rooms https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/173244881#/?channel=RES_BUY

Why is it so bad that I want a 5 bedroom house ? I have my reasons for it and even so why would I need a reason.

If it matters my father is very ill at the moment and I’d love for my mother to stay with us when he does pass away. It would be great for my mum until she can get back to living on her own and be able to come back and stay as many times or as long as she wants. I just like the idea of having a spare bedroom for relatives in general anyway.

As well as that I also would just like to have 5 bedroom house if we can afford it why is it such a big deal ? What’s wrong with mine and DHs decision ?

Quite, OP.
It's sad that you've needed to share info about your niece and your parents to explain this.
People need to answer the actual question asked and otherwise mind their own business.

I’m actually really confused at the rooms. It is a privilege I know that but I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to want a 5 bedroom house if we can afford it. I genuinely would like to understand the issue with it I’m actually curious. I didn’t mean for it to come out, out of touch at all.

Envy, plain and simple, and chips on people's shoulders.

OP, what is confusing me, and other posters is not that you would like more rooms (wouldn’t we all!) but that you are holding out for something you can’t afford, as you said that you only have 30% of the deposit.

It’ll will probably cause a bigger fall out with his parents by not accepting the money than it will with his siblings for accepting it.

They are probably questioning your judgement to be honest. You moved out of a property you own, to then rent, had more children and are turning your nose up at a few hundred grand deposit from your in-laws. Sorry, but for someone with a maths degree this seems bonkers. You would rather pay a bank say 3-4% interest on a massive mortgage than take a helping hand from your in-laws who you claim you get on brilliantly with. Why? Just to be independent? You would be amazed how many people have had a leg up because of parents and in-laws, but stay schtum about it. If you’re talking a six bed house in Dulwich…what’s that? 2.5million? 3 million quid?

The in-laws are now of an age where they are trying to offload some cash to avoid inheritance tax and also trying to help their child buy a forever home.

The sibling issue isn’t yours to worry about. It’s theirs. You say they are decent people, so I’m sure they’ll balance things out eventually. They may have helped with weddings and gap years and all sorts that you may not be aware of.

I think people are getting in a tizz about the ‘I have 3 kids so I need a six bed house in SW London, but I am independent and self sufficient so don’t want to take quarter of a million quid off my in-laws’. It sounds like a really nice problem to have, you must see that.

If you can do it alone and you’re happy to not accept this huge gesture, then fair play, but I think you’re mad. They might pop their clogs tomorrow and a big chunk of cash will go to Keith Starmer. The money will be your husband’s eventually, so why not take it now?

What makes me laugh is I bet the siblings would take the cash in a flash and wouldn’t give a monkeys about you and your DH.

Two things first of all you can’t afford it and it’s delaying Moving forward with your life, but secondly there aren’t actually that many five bedroom houses around
We looked for many many years and if you could find a five bedroom house, it didn’t have enough of a garden
And if it had enough of a guard and it added an extra couple of hundred thousand to the pricetag or was in very poor condition and you’d need to spend a couple of hundred bringing it up to standard

You would rather pay a bank say 3-4% interest on a massive mortgage than take a helping hand from your in-laws who you claim you get on brilliantly with. Why? Just to be independent?
She's said why.

I do understand where you’re coming from and I know it’s a privilege. Yes our children can share and they will be I want for them to have their own space when they’re older. Secondly I would like to help my niece out as she has a scholarship offer if she gets the grades for a very good school and my brother lives further away and it would mean that my niece would have to be up at around 4:30 am to get ready and commute to school when we live near the school and will be staying in this sort of area, her commute at most will be 30 mins and she can cycle or walk or bus.
Thirdly my father is very ill right now and has been ill for quite sometime, it’s sort of the end I guess and I’d like for my mum to come stay with us when my dad does pass I don’t want her to just have a sofa bed I want her to have an actual space and to stay here as long as she wants. DH and I have discussed this and we’ve talked to my mother about it. I have the means for help my mother I don’t want her in her house all alone especially when she will be grieving, my parents have been together over 50 years it’ll be hard for her and I want her to have a space here.

Quite frankly I don’t understand the issue with it, I understand it’s a privileged position to be in and maybe I worded it wrong and for that I am sorry.

I started off thinking that it wasn’t wrong to take the money but everything that you have said about it not being equal changes that. By accepting the money you would have felt you were condoning the unfairness. We have helped our children but absolutely equally (luckily they both hit a point where a chunk of money would make a significant difference in the same year). We aren’t doing it only to avoid inheritance tax, our aim is to help at the right stage and be able to see them feel the benefit.

You have as large as house as you want/can afford OP.

But, you are right to be thoughtful about the other siblings. We are in this position. The youngest sibling has been offered a huge no strings deposit by parents, and is buying a much larger house than we could ever afford.

The ILs told us it was their wish to help her, and are sure we would agree, because houses where she lives are more expensive. The same offer is not being made to any other siblings, nor will this be reflected in the will. The treatment of youngest and overt favouritism etc has not gone down well. Ultimately, you'll want the cousins to get on, and unfair gifts can ruin relationships between adult siblings.

I'm not sure why you are getting such a hard time over wanting 5 or 6 bedrooms. When you are buying a house, not expecting anyone else to provide it for you/help you to pay for it, so get what you want or feel that you need. It's not entitled to say that you plan to get something with an extra bedroom or two, or that you don't want your children to share. Lots of kids do share, but so what? You can afford for yours not to, and that's all that matters. As for the money from the ILs, again I don't think you deserve the BS that you are getting on that. Given your update, I wouldn't accept it either. I've lost count of the number of threads on here where there has been family breakdowns resulting from situations like this - parents playing their children off against each other, blatantly favouring one over the other. You want to maintain a good relationship with your husbands siblings and their families, without added burden of resentment and bitterness. DH sounds like he's so used to being the favoured one, he is blind to/doesn't give a shit about the impact on others around him, so its good that you do. That doesn't make you stupid as one poster said, quite the opposite in fact.

We have over 450k ie 30% deposit they’ve said we can afford a 6 bedroom house. We’ve been looked and have been in touch with people who know the housing market, I do have a friend who is a partner at KF she thinks 30% deposit is fine. I think we can afford it but maybe you know best ? Is this your sector or work I would love some insight as we are really aiming to hopefully buy a house by the end of the year but it’s tough as it’s a family house and we are considering all options.

I am unsure where you’re looking but there’s a lot of 5 bedroom houses about. We have seen 8 in the last 2 or so weeks we’ve had to cancel a few viewings due to schedules. Theres a lot in SW and SE family houses, most of the ones we’ve viewed have been in the same family for over 30 years and it’s mostly people just downsizing.

YANBU to be cautious.

Yes, it's nice to be offered what is presumably a large amount of money, but so often "gifts" like this cause huge problems in family dynamics. I've seen examples of when money is given supposedly as a gift and in 3 years time the parents turn back up demanding it back when the couple breaks up or the house is sold.

We have given our children (both married) a lot of money to go towards moving up the housing ladder. I'd rather they had it now than wait till we are dead and they have to pay 40% IHT on it. As far as I know their partners are ok with it. I guess if they weren't they'd give it back.

Its a gift from us to them. How they spend it once it's theirs is down to them. They might well make choices we wouldn't but once it's their money what they do with it is none of our business. I trust them - they've mostly made good choices in life so far.

As you are uncomfortable about the idea of this being a gift why don’t you agree to it as a loan to be paid off in ways that would suit both.