AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

I think you have good reasons for rejecting their offer. Whatever they say about "no strings" you would feel better knowing you have bought your own home unaided. Also, it might sour relationships between your DH and his siblings (even knowing that he has been offered this money might cause resentment in the family). I think suggesting your PiLs gift money now to all the grandchildren (for adulthood) would be a good idea.

I think you’ve made a wise decision not to take the money. I wonder whether they’d have expected you to keep quiet about the gift around his siblings. That toxic dynamic is what my siblings and I grew up with.

Their change of approach is probably due to the recent change in tax rules.

This is a no brainer as far as I can see. You'd be crazy not to take them up on it.

A 4 bedroom house would probably have a room downstairs (dining room or office maybe?) that could be used as a spare room. Or you could have an attic conversion. That way you'd have a bigger choice of houses, then make it to suit you.

Why don’t you tell DH to ask his siblings if they hve ever been offered any money? That may make your decision easier

@ThatZippyWaspof course you can do what you want. Just in the current climate, it doesn’t seem the wisest decision. Once you are off the ladder, it’s tricky to get back on it.

I am surprised by all the posts saying you are overthinking it but then mumsnet is skewed regards the middle classes who have money to give their children. I absolutely wouldn't have accepted money from either set of parents not that they had any to give.I come from a similar background as yourself and would never want to be beholden to anyone. Whatever dh and I build for our family we do so off of our own hard work. My inlaws are lovely people but similarly to you I feel they would have felt they could have more input in our life choices than I would have been happy with.

Are your children the only grandchildren? As you have explained, the family dynamic re favouritism I think your dh is being shortsighted after too many years of being the special child. Going ahead will cause rifts between him and his siblings.

I wouldn't go ahead. If you do then I would get it in writing that this is a gift with no strings attached.

As for having a spare room, fair enough but you very much worded your posts as being a family of 5 and needing 5 or 6 bedrooms as a result. That got picked on as most couples share so from your initial post you only actually need 4 bedrooms. It was only after that you mentioned your niece and having a spare bedroom.

The problem is you can’t afford what you want.

You only have 30% of the deposit and have another baby on the way so costs rising. Your eldest will be starting school so you need, ideally, security of a permanent address which makes application and then travelling to school favourable.

Rent in your preferred location on the house size you prefer must be sky high and absorbing your capacity to save.

You stepped off the property ladder and have been renting for 4 years instead of building equity towards your desired 6 bed in sky-high priced areas such as Dulwich because you ‘wanted to’, you want a six-bed house…

I understand your reluctance to accept your ILs generous offer, but I can see why they might want to help you buying a home.

It’s the point you’ve mentioned about siblings not having the same help and the expected resentment that would make me more uncomfortable rather than if they’d use this as a card to have more influence over your lives. If they’ve not been the sort of people to interfere so far, I doubt they would now.

For me, I would be asking if similar money is available to other siblings if they needed it and if there is but it’s tied up in the estate then, then asking them to change the will so that dh gets this amount less in inheritance so that siblings know they are not being short changed to avoid the resentment

Do you think they are planning to also give your husband's siblings some money too now? Perhaps when your sil was buying a house they were still investing or not thinking about inheritance planning. Could it be that now they are in another phase and thinking about reducing/passing on their savings? Your house buying just happens to be at the right moment for them to start passing on their wealth? If not already done, id ask your husband to find out more about whether they're also planning to give siblings something in near future.
That said I also know of people who have been given money by pil for an extension. Then pil got a sense of ownership over the house and overstepped a bit.

Yes, you would owe them something. Gratitude. Is that a bad thing?

The issue with siblings would be enough for me to say no. What’s with parents and preferential treatment of 1 child? I have 3 and wouldn’t dream of gifting one a large sum of money over my other 2. Repulsive behaviour imo. I’d also feel like they had a say in what house we bought, how often they came to stay etc. So it would be a no from me.

I like to think we can afford the house we would like with over 450k for the house deposit and the ideal house we would like seems to agree with the amount we have.
We have spoken to people who know a little bit more than us, a friend of mine from school is a partner at Knight Frank. She thinks an our deposit amount so far is good, we’d love to have more who wouldn’t but that’s what we have currently. What’s the ideal amount for a deposit ?

We have been actively looking and are ready to buy which is why the conversation with the PIL came up. We are also not in a rush it doesn’t need to be ASAP our children are still small which is what PIL don’t seem to like but at the end of the day it’s our life and houses aren’t running out.

Selling in 2022 was a conscious decision when the market was very strong and in favour of the seller, we benefitted from that. Renting since then has actually worked well for us I don’t think our lives are doomed forever just because we sold our house and rented. The house we sold was never intended as our forever home and we actually quite like renting, some people like different things surely it’s okay. I think there’s worse things to have done in life than selling a house and renting.

We’re very grateful for the offer from our in-laws, but our decision not to accept it is about keeping family dynamics simple. I do not come from a family that can afford to ‘lend’ money but I come a family that treats my brother and I equally, my parents have helped me previously but to them that was a great thing to do it represented so much of their hard work, we grew up in a council house, free school meals, getting 10k from my parents was a big deal in my 20s but also a better deal was my brother getting the same amount. I like that dynamic and I don’t want to ever benefit from a chaotic dynamic or at the expense of DHs siblings. .

You sound very proud. It’s just money. Let them help you. You can do the same for your children when you’re their age. As you grow older you will feel differently about money and be able to see this situation through a new lense. Congratulations on your baby and your good fortune.

Proud because I’m against repulsive behaviour at the expense of DHs siblings
fair enough then I’d rather be that.

Why should I owe them something when we could just buy our own house what’s so bad about that.

OP I would take it, assuming you have a decent relationship with them.
Our in laws contributed a large portion towards our house when we bought it which makes our mortgage considerably lower than it would have been otherwise. I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years later and was extremely grateful for that, from a financial standpoint. None of us ever know what’s around the corner.

If you’re not going to take it, please do get robust life insurance and also serious and critical illness insurance to protect you in future. In fact, do that regardless of the decision you make!

But yes, we accepted it and not once have they lorded it over us, ever.

@ThatZippyWasp practical advice here only, the morality side- I can see you worries.
if you receive cash for a despoiler, and you are getting a mortgage, the bank asks for a statement from whoever gives the money to say it’s a gift only, with no expectations to return it. So legally there is no come back from them/ you don’t need to worry about paying them back.

Obviously this doesn’t stop them getting funny afterwards. I don’t know about the morality side. I’d probably take some of the money offered because you’re not doing anything wrong, they offered. It’s their issue, then make sure all siblings are looked after in the will if your DH gets off everything? It might just be they are more financiall able now

I'm sure that if OP and her DH decide to help their children financially in future, they will make sure that it is fair and that all their children receive this help, not just one favoured child.

OP's PILs refused to help one of their adult children who was actually struggling financially and the financial help that they needed came from the siblings, including OP and her DH, not from their parents. The toxic favouritsm is stark and obvious and accepting this money from PILs would probably damage their relationships with OP's DH's siblings.

OP and her DH can afford to buy a decent house without accepting her PIL's offer of money. She is doing the right thing by refusing this poisoned chalice.

Given this update it would be a hard no from me, I would look for a 4 bed and get 2 of the children to share if you want a spare room.
Young children usually prefer sharing initially, mine alll got the own rooms when we extended into the loft when they are 10/12 .
If you look at a house with space to extend either upwards/outwards and plan to do that in a few years. You won’t need such a hefty deposit to start with

You seem to despise your PiLs. Many of the posters here are taking that at face value, but are you certain you have characterised them fairly?

If I were you I would ask DH to talk to the PiLs about the sibling equity issue - though not using emotive language like "favourites" or accusing them of being unhelpful in the past - simply state that he would only be uncomfortable accepting money if his siblings receive the same.

I think some people are misreading the OP and think you have 30% of your deposit rather than a 30% deposit. Probably also why people are pointing out you could manage with a smaller house.

Would DH be brave enough to say that he would be happy to take 1/4 of the money they are intending to give if they give all their children the same?

I would not want to take the money either, in the circumstances.

i don’t despise them I just don’t want money from them. Why is saying no to something mean that I despise them ? Can I not say no to large sum of money.

I would genuinely like to know why I can’t just say no without it being that I despise or don’t like them.

I would say I have characterised then fairly based on the things I’ve seen. I have known them 20 years, DH and I have helped SIL when PILs could have easily helped. They never offered, DH even asked them to help her but they said no. Yet are offering to help up when we haven’t asked for their help.

I’ve come from a family that treats all their children equally ie my brother and I have always been treated equally.

Take it with good grace & be thankful you can now afford a better environment with for your family.