AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

the parents have always been able to assist all the siblings. They just seem to have favourite and it so happens to be DH. It’s quite disgusting, they refused to help SIL a while back and they had the money to buy we helped SIL and so did DH’s other siblings.

If your marriage is happy then I’d say you have stood the rest of time and children. To me it’s a no brainier- you should buy a house

@ThatZippyWasp you come across as so sensible & caring. I'm sure you are making the right decision not to accept it and to feel proud of what you purchase. The relationship with his siblings and nieces/nephews on his side will likely continue for decades, not upsetting the sibling dynamic over such an inequity feels really important.

Also, your parents sound so so lovely. What a wonderful, grounded and caring family you come from.

Huh, I’d have a chat. Whatever sum they are thinking of should be split equally amongst the siblings. Yanbu to not want to be complicit in favoritism

The children won’t lose out if they’d like to help they can put the money aside towards the children. I’m not entitled to their money quite frankly I just don’t want it. Why can’t I just say no to money? Honest question.

DH and I have discussed and he sees where I’m coming from now especially with the sibling dynamic with parents and I don’t want to be entangled to that. I personally think parents should treat their children fairly I’m not greedy enough to get involved in parent sibling issues.

They have not offered anything to his siblings. I’m slightly confused though, why do I have to have a concrete reason is no not enough I have to have a reason. Sometimes it is just a no and a person doesn’t want something surely that’s okay ? Why should I take something that I don’t really want. Id like to buy a house DH and I have worked hard to afford hopefully for a forever family home for us and our children till we retire and maybe size down.

You do not 'need' a 6 bedroom house, don't be daft.

Are your pils worried you'll move away for a less expensive house, and they want to keep you nearby?

I know most pp have said you're overthinking it but if it doesn't feel right, go with your gut.

My brother is the golden child and my parents have favoured him with financial support me and my siblings didn't receive so I might be biased!

You can say no to the money, and you don't have to have a concrete reason. But you presumably started this thread because you weren't certain about your decision. You asked for other opinions, and now you're getting them.

You don't need a reason and it's good enough to say no.
You are lucky that you don't need to convince your DH, and that's all that matters, it's between you and him.

Yes you’re right but it seems people are so adamant to find out a reason as to why they want a concrete reason.

Sometimes people just don’t want anything to be it’s a poisoned chalice and it’s something I will regret one day.

If a parent can see their other children struggle and not help then for certain the money they’re offering to cover for the house will come with subtle expectations or at the very least I’ll always feel as though I owe them something and probably won’t be comfortable in my own house.

I would be totally uncomfortable with the sibling dynamic and want my dh to say mum dad it’s very generous but I can’t take such a big gift knowing you haven’t and aren’t planning anything similar for my siblings. It’s too inequitable and I don’t know why you’d do this tbh.

But it’s my house I’ll be paying for it surely I can buy whatever house I’d like. Can I not have my own needs I want a spacious house am I not allowed to feel as though I need a spacious house. Is it so bad

Given your update that your DH’s siblings haven’t received any financial help from his parents, I think you’re very wise to reject their offer.

If they planned to give an equal amount to all their children, fair enough, or even if they loaned your DH the money with clear repayment terms- but to only give him money and his siblings get nothing- that has the makings of a family rift.

I have no issue with parents giving their adult children money to help with a house purchase- but to only help one of your children and not give the others (who could also use assistance ) a penny, is wrong.

If your PIL press your DH for a reason as to why he’s refusing this money, he should tell them the truth.

If his siblings didn't get help then I'd not want to take it because it could cause a rift between siblings long after parents have passed away.

From the fact his parents didn't help any of the siblings - I wouldnt take it. It would destroy siblings relationship

My parents gave us 300k towards our house. It would have been part of our inheritance at some point.

Take the kind gesture.

@Bones101 If you have siblings, were they offered a similar amount?

It’s not the gift that’s the issue, many parents help their adult children financially, it’s the vastly different treatment to his siblings that’s not sitting well with the OP and her husband.

If you have children, would you offer one child £300K for a deposit and the others absolutely nothing? Personally, I’d feel wrong treating them so differently.

Of course, if one child was wealthy and refused a monetary gift because they didn’t need it (or said give my gift to my siblings), that’s fair enough. But that’s not the case here.

i feel it’s a bit weird to say you were due an inheritance when your parents are still alive. We’ll give our DCs money to help them buy a property but it’s not their inheritance - they are due nothing till we no longer need it because we are dead. I find all this inheritance talk when people are living so utterly distasteful.
Op the siblings will be fuming especially with the parents. If you can buy a house on your own steam in a nice co area then do that. You don’t need a 6 bedroom house.

Why on earth did you think that giving up
an owned property on favour of renting was a good idea?

Blimey why don’t you both just talk to his parents about what you feel worried about, no doubt they’ll just factor it into how their will is divided or perhaps they plan to help his siblings in other ways. You can then review (better informed) and decide. It comes across that this is more about you perhaps not being seem to want help but who else is actually going to care/know? One of my friends received a similar gift and the parents provided legal documentation that the money was a gift to both her and the DH in case of any future issues, which seemed both kind and sensible.

@ThatZippyWasp "it’s a poisoned chalice" is exactly what it is, you are absolutely right to be cautious.

Especially as your in-laws "play favourites", wouldn't touch their money with a barge pole tbh, can you imagine the strings and the effect on your marriage?

In terms of location, my brother and sister in law live in Letchworth Garden City and it is a 30 minute train ride to London.
It’s a truly beautiful place to live, you could get a large house not at London prices.
Plenty of shops, parks and the whole city is well set out. It might be worth a look.
Your ILs may want to give you your inheritance now OP, it is a great kindness.

Don’t take it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You can obviously afford to buy a house for yourselves and don’t want to feel beholden to your in laws.

We wanted to ? What is the issue with that can we not do what we want

This .