AIBU to expect my partner to pay more towards bills?

[CheekyChips44]

Hello all. This is my first post and I’m hoping you can offer some advice.

I’ve been living with my DP for 4 years now. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with my 2nd DC. We live together, in a house I own and bought long before we got together.

This is the issue. As it is “my house” DP will contribute what I feel is not a lot financially. He says it’s because if we split up then he’d be left with nothing and he won’t pay my mortgage. I have never asked him to do that and I know it is fully my responsibility. He gives me £600 a month- which sounds a lot but that just about covers DS nursery fees so I can work full time. It barely touches any household bills or food. I have a senior position in my job and do earn decent money but once everything is paid, I’m not left with a lot.

Of course the logical step would be to buy somewhere together. Not an option, as he is in loads of debt, has a shit credit rating and is paying off 10 credit cards (no, I’m not exaggerating) with the APR on them creeping up. A mortgage advisor did suggest we could get somewhere together if I took some equity out of my house to pay off his debt! I refused and now he’s being awful to me. He says he can only give me 600 as he is paying back the cards, and his dad who is also owes thousands to.

He’s refusing to help me out with money while I’m on maternity leave. He’ll give me the £600 he usually does and says it’s my problem if the bills don’t get paid. I’m trying to cut back as much as I can and buy what I need before the baby comes. My DS will spend fewer days at nursery so that will help

I’m fed up of buying food and him helping himself to it. And swanning round like he fucking owns the place! He earns good money but it’s irrelevant when you are in so much debt. And it’s worth noting that out of that 600 is a £62 phone contract for him that is in my name. I’m guessing my question is, what is a reasonable and fair amount to charge the father of your children to live in your house? Am I the one being unfair? What would be a fair amount?

He should pay half food, half bills, half child’s expenses at least plus his debt. But can he afford to? It’s better he pays his debt quickly so if he’s paying more on that it’s a good thing. But did you know about all the debt before you got pregnant? If so why did you commit to a man so financially irresponsible?

The problem isn’t even the finances. The problem is that this isn’t a partnership or family in any normal, healthy, or meaningful way. Can you ever imagine having separate food for mother and father in the fridge and having an argument if someone eats the others tomatoes?

There are some behaviours that subtly creep up on us when we're already invested in a relationship; and there are some things that we bloody well know.
You knew this man was a financially inept loser, who contributes very little to the household. YABU for expecting he'll now suddenly be a responsible person.

Maybe the poster that says this doesn't realize it's including nursery £600 is a fair amount on share on bills ( £1200 not in c mortgage between 2 of them) but nursery is a separate ( and extra) expense

However it's unlike the OPs partner will change I wa married to someone who was so shite with money. Once he even had the cheek to say I was " stealing" his wages to go towards my bills lol. He ended up bankrupt ( and divorced)

What a prick. He should be paying half the nursery fees, half the food bill and half the bills. Otherwise he’s taking you for an absolute fool.

I agree with all the posters saying he needs to be paying half of all the bills for the house, utilities, council tax, food, nursery, but I disagree about him not paying anything towards housing costs as its your mortgage so he'll have nothing if you kick him out. Every adult should be paying their own way in life, if he wasn't living with you, he'd be paying rent to a landlord and would have nothing if they kicked him out. Also, his children have housing costs, and he needs to be paying to the roof over their heads, so get a cohabitation agreement drawn up and make him pay his fair way in life. It's not down to you to subsidise someone who has run up thousands in debt, and paying back his dad shouldn't come above keeping his children clothed, fed and housed.

Why are you with this waste of space? That is why I think you are unreasonable!

This relationship has no future. He will just drag you down further. Irresponsible with money. Drowning in debt. Does he gamble?

Not his problem if the bills aren’t paid…. So if he needs a shower and there’s not hot water or can’t watch tv because electricity hasn’t been paid that’s not his shared problem? Why are you having a second child with him? Do you earn similar or does one of you earn a lot more? Household bills (excluding mortgage) and your nursery bill all need adding together and then splitting equally (or fairly)

Absolutely this.

He is absolutely taking the piss and things have gone south because you have refused even further support to him to pay off his debts and buy him a house. Your purpose, to him, is to support him.
He gives me £600 a month- which sounds a lot but that just about covers DS nursery fees so I can work full time.
why is nursery to enable you to work full time and not him to work full time? Child has two parents last time I checked.
Of course the logical step would be to buy somewhere together.
oh hell no. Your situation is salvageable at the moment. Do NOT tie your finances with this grifter of a man.
To answer your question he should be paying 50% of all your shared bills - including childcare - and 50% of all child and home tasks. Possibly more when you are on maternity leave depending on how both your finances look. Mortgage he should not pay (an option to charge ‘rent’ but you may wish to avoid that).
I personally would ask him to move out for a period whilst you ‘work on your relationship’. I suspect when you are not subsiding him so directly, his enthusiasm for you relationship will cool. Let him prove me wrong. He doesn’t get to come back until he pays a fair share. You will also then get a contribution from him via CMS hopefully in the meantime.
Just remember, the money your partner siphons from you to maintain his lifestyle is money he is stealing from your children. You owe it to them to make sure at least one parent puts them first.
Lastly, DO NOT marry him!

OP ain't listenin', she's going to throw her life away for this ducking twit of a man🙄
Spend her life desperately trying to polish this turd 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well this isn't going to get any better when there are two lots of nursery fees to pay, is it?

Chuck him out and go through CMS. He isn't going to change.

Why do women allow something like this to happen? Just sheer desperation for children? Well, you have two now (or soon will) - he's served his purpose, and he's clearly never going to serve any other. Cut your losses before he drags you down any further. He'll probably leave anyway, when he realises you're really not going to give into the bullying and service his debts. He'll need to find another sucker.

Which is kind of fine for her own life. But it becomes infuriating when there’s kids involved. In twenty years time, 2 adults will be released in to the world without a single clue about what a relationship or partnership is. If they’re women, they will be ready to kneel down at men’s feet. And if they’re men, all set to find a woman to abuse.

break the cycle op, for your kids.

Cancel the phone contract.
he pays 600 a month. How much would you get in cms, plus the single council rates and is there any other support? That plus the cost of the food he eats plus the £62 might be roughly equal. In which case kick him out so fast he breaks the sound barrier on his way.

1. Cancel the phone contract
2. Kick him out

Why can't he go and live with his dad.

His dad will be thanking his lucky stars that his pain-in-the-arse son has found a woman dumb enough to put up with him!

I'm really sorry OP, but you deserve so much better than this man. I would seriously consider your future with him, he sounds very irresponsible with money for one, which will only drag you down if you marry him and share your finances with him. Not to mention what an uncaring dick he clearly is, refusing to fairly contribute to the running of the household.

If you really do want to stay with him and see a future that isn't bleak, I would sit him down and detail ALL the household costs excluding the mortgage. If you both earn a fairly similar amount, I would say "this is the cost of all the bills excluding the mortgage, I want half". If he refuses, then he is going to have to find somewhere else to live and I think he'll struggle running his one house plus child maintenance for 2 kids on less than £600 per month.

Aside from the mortgage, I would add up all the household costs - utilities, council tax, nursery fees, nappies, clothing for the children etc and then divide by half. That will
be far more than £600. Then add on his fucking phone contract. Nobody should live anywhere rent free so add in rent. Buying his own food is all bollocks, should he not be contributing to the food his child eats?

Then when he refuses tell him to fuck off. Cms payments will be calculated before any debt repayments so he’s going to be an awful lot worse off when he has to cough up cms payments and pay to live elsewhere.

you’ll be so much better off without him, we all know that men with this attitude dont do 50% of any childcare of housework!

I’m sorry but this financial abuse, you and your children deserve better. I’ve been in a situation similar to you, except my ex was unemployed for long periods. Resentment grew, I am much happier now he has left. He has become angry because you have challenged him about the finances and are ‘rocking his cushy lifestyle’. Put yourself and the children first, are you also taking on all domestic chores and most of the childcare. We all have a breaking point and he is pushing you too far. I hope you can see things will unlikely improve and get out of this relationship x

You got pregnant to this loser twice and he's abusing you financially. Kick him out. If you don't I have zero sympathy for you. Your child is suffering due to his mean ness - you are as well. Get him gone. It's abuse

If he buys his own food, does that mean he is not cooling for you snd the child?

He is awful since you told him he isnt contributing enough because he is abusive. Nicey nicey when you are behaving as he wants.

Have you told him you are going to have to charge him rent? @CheekyChips44

Why you with this guy and why you having another child with him. It's your house so the beauty of that is you can kick him out. Get maintenance from him.

Oh god no absolutely not! Interestingly I am in a similar situation in that my partner and I have been together for around 4 years and we live together in the house that I bought before I met him and still own. I also have a second child who I’m on maternity leave, and this is what we did in our situation, when we found out she was on the way we both started saving £1k per month each into a maternity account that’s linked solely to my bank, so when I started my mat leave I already had nearly a £20k starting point of savings. Then when she was born my partner has continued contributing £2,300 to me each month which covers my toddler’s nursery fees and a vast chunk of the bills. The rest is topped up by my statutory maternity pay and the money we saved before she was born. So basically he’s covering everything because they’re his children and I’m receiving a vastly reduced salary. That’s the right thing to do and your partner is not doing nearly enough!