AIBU to expect my partner to pay more towards bills?

[CheekyChips44]

Hello all. This is my first post and I’m hoping you can offer some advice.

I’ve been living with my DP for 4 years now. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with my 2nd DC. We live together, in a house I own and bought long before we got together.

This is the issue. As it is “my house” DP will contribute what I feel is not a lot financially. He says it’s because if we split up then he’d be left with nothing and he won’t pay my mortgage. I have never asked him to do that and I know it is fully my responsibility. He gives me £600 a month- which sounds a lot but that just about covers DS nursery fees so I can work full time. It barely touches any household bills or food. I have a senior position in my job and do earn decent money but once everything is paid, I’m not left with a lot.

Of course the logical step would be to buy somewhere together. Not an option, as he is in loads of debt, has a shit credit rating and is paying off 10 credit cards (no, I’m not exaggerating) with the APR on them creeping up. A mortgage advisor did suggest we could get somewhere together if I took some equity out of my house to pay off his debt! I refused and now he’s being awful to me. He says he can only give me 600 as he is paying back the cards, and his dad who is also owes thousands to.

He’s refusing to help me out with money while I’m on maternity leave. He’ll give me the £600 he usually does and says it’s my problem if the bills don’t get paid. I’m trying to cut back as much as I can and buy what I need before the baby comes. My DS will spend fewer days at nursery so that will help

I’m fed up of buying food and him helping himself to it. And swanning round like he fucking owns the place! He earns good money but it’s irrelevant when you are in so much debt. And it’s worth noting that out of that 600 is a £62 phone contract for him that is in my name. I’m guessing my question is, what is a reasonable and fair amount to charge the father of your children to live in your house? Am I the one being unfair? What would be a fair amount?

I’m going to look into getting rid of the phone contract, I know I was a mug for that one. He “buys his own food”, fair enough but I’ll then do a £70 food shop and he’ll help himself to stuff that’s in the fridge. Then it becomes tit for tat

That is not a relationship…just get him to leave.

If that's the case OP then it's not looking good. He sounds like he has a spending addiction. Are you sure than when these debts are paid off he won't wrack up a load more? Honestly it can be like a disease in some people.

They are his children and he is massively taking the piss by not supporting them financially. I think I'm suggesting what's already been said upthread - you'd be better off financially on your own. You'd probably be happier too.

Keep your finances entirely separate from his.

No joint accounts and definitely no joint mortgage.

You'd be mad to join your finances to his with the potential impact on your own credit rating.

I don't ask for much from my husband (we never bothered with a joint account) but our mortgage is small and nearly paid off and he buys all the food for a family of five which is probably our biggest bill. He also tends to pay for most of the treat stuff while I do more of the saving and covering bills.

It's okay not to put everything in one pot but it has to be fair and you have to step up when circumstances change. The fact he's not doing this is a massive red flag.

If you want to make this work, is he taking a strategic approach to paying off his credit cards? Dave Ramsey is good on this. Or is he just paying the minimum, in which case the wheels will come off and you do not want to be tied to him.

Personally I agree with all of those that have advised you to get rid of him OP.

However, if you really want to know what a fair amount would be for him to contribute, you need to sit down and make a list of ALL costs with the exception of your mortgage. You also need to get a rough idea of what it would cost for you to jointly rent a property like your own, because if you were renting the house together, he would need to pay half of the rental value, wouldn't he? If needs be, get onto a rental agent, and tell them you're thinking of renting out your property, and get them to give you an idea of what you would get. If for example they said you would get £1,400 a month, then he should be paying £700 rent, PLUS half of all the other costs. THAT would be a fair figure in my opinion.

And you live together with totally separate lives, you buying a food shop for yourself and your shared child and he shops for himself alone?? Wtf?
Why on earth did you get pregnant?

This. Although I don't believe that charging him rent would cause any problems related to ownership of your house.
He would have to.pay for food etc, wherever he lived, why shouldn't he pay for it when he is living rent free?
When you have the discussion remind him that he can use what should be the rent portion of his salary to pay off the debt that he got himself into.

Get him out of the house. It will only get worse.
He's financially abusing you.

Good lord, what do you see in him?

Tell him to leave. He will have to pay child maintenance and you can be in control of your own finances.

You work out the bills minus the mortgage including utilities council tax his phone food the kids nursery and the rest. Then he pays half

I would also suggest if he is in that much debt he seeks help from an advisor

he’s financially abusing you

Oh OP, this is so sad to read!

The only way to know the acceptable amount he should be paying is to work out all the household bills, including food and childcare costs. Absolutely everything - even subscriptions like Netflix. (The only outgoing you wouldn't include is your mortgage). Whatever half that amount is, is what he should be paying, plus his phone bill on top. Do the maths for your own knowledge even though he's told you he isn't willing to pay more than his measley six hundred quid!

Are you going to continue to allow him to dictate to you in your own home where you pay to keep him? Has he got a debt management plan in place?

I rarely say LTB because life happens and relationships are complex, but on this occasion I can't see another option for you because he sounds vile. Even if he had no debt, he is emotionally stunted and disrespectful with zero accountability.

what’s fair is that you kick this cock lodging prick out

tell him to fuck off back to his dads who probably won’t have him

raise the your standards as well
you know he’s taking you for a idiot
either that or your so desperate for a man any man including an financially abusive one will do

My son has a lodger who pays 625 a month
for a room inc all bills
that doesn’t include food or anything else

in some cities people easily paying 700 -800 for a room in a house share plus’s bills

I’m really sure why you had a second kid with such a loser but you can’t change that

but if you kick him out you would probably be able to get some UC with help with nursery fees

I agree.
youd be better off kicking him out and claiming child maintenance and getting a lodger in the spare room and your kids in with you op

Why on earth is a nursery bill only on you? It should be split

"He is paying off 10 credit cards ... and his dad who is also owes thousands to".
"A mortgage advisor suggested I take some equity out of my house to pay off his debt! I refused and now he’s being awful to me"

Why is he paying off 10 credit cards? Why does he owe his father so much money?
I am assuming his father helped bail him out and now he expects you to do the same. Oh my. What a mess.

Yanbu.

He should paying 50% of nursery fees (it’s 50% his child)
50% of all costs for child (food, clothes, activities etc)
50% of food shop
50% of council tax, fuel, etc type bills

I bet all that comes to way more than £600!

Also why did you think it was a good idea to get pregnant in this situation?

It's not gonna end well, so take a short cut and end it now.

This cannot be real. Nobody is this naive are they?!

Look, you must know that you chose the wrong father for your children. The best time to leave him would have been before you got pregnant, but that ship has sailed.

The second best time to leave is now.

Do that, or you will be back here periodically because instead of paying off his debts he will have acquired more debts. And he’ll never pay his share.

Repeat after me:
cock lodger

Nope you are not. You need to both sit down and look at incomings and outgoings but to pay for all of his food and bills is a bit of a joke isn’t it. He’s still getting a roof over his head. What would he say if you said you would charge him rent instead which would be much more ! My husband was in trouble when we first met and made a good job about me feeling crap about the situation he had got himself into. For example I would lend him money only for him to tell me he had used it for his employees wages and how could I be so insensitive to ask where it was ? That’s just one example. Anyway when you have a baby that does change the dynamic financially. Sitting down and looking at figures would help each other but it’s whether he is willing to do that or not x I went for ages paying 50/50 with my husband with me only part time wages and him then when he was doing well for himself on much more so I got to the point where I didn’t have to put my foot down and tell him how h fair it was x

So you have a cocklodger who wont pay for his own children.

He should be paying half of everything except the mortgage.

Please dump him, tell him to leave and change the locks.

Why are you allowing yourself to be used and abused like this?

Tell him to go. He is a selfish leech. This is in no way acceptable.