AIBU to expect my partner to pay more towards bills?

[CheekyChips44]

Hello all. This is my first post and I’m hoping you can offer some advice.

I’ve been living with my DP for 4 years now. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with my 2nd DC. We live together, in a house I own and bought long before we got together.

This is the issue. As it is “my house” DP will contribute what I feel is not a lot financially. He says it’s because if we split up then he’d be left with nothing and he won’t pay my mortgage. I have never asked him to do that and I know it is fully my responsibility. He gives me £600 a month- which sounds a lot but that just about covers DS nursery fees so I can work full time. It barely touches any household bills or food. I have a senior position in my job and do earn decent money but once everything is paid, I’m not left with a lot.

Of course the logical step would be to buy somewhere together. Not an option, as he is in loads of debt, has a shit credit rating and is paying off 10 credit cards (no, I’m not exaggerating) with the APR on them creeping up. A mortgage advisor did suggest we could get somewhere together if I took some equity out of my house to pay off his debt! I refused and now he’s being awful to me. He says he can only give me 600 as he is paying back the cards, and his dad who is also owes thousands to.

He’s refusing to help me out with money while I’m on maternity leave. He’ll give me the £600 he usually does and says it’s my problem if the bills don’t get paid. I’m trying to cut back as much as I can and buy what I need before the baby comes. My DS will spend fewer days at nursery so that will help

I’m fed up of buying food and him helping himself to it. And swanning round like he fucking owns the place! He earns good money but it’s irrelevant when you are in so much debt. And it’s worth noting that out of that 600 is a £62 phone contract for him that is in my name. I’m guessing my question is, what is a reasonable and fair amount to charge the father of your children to live in your house? Am I the one being unfair? What would be a fair amount?

It would definitely NOT be logical to buy a jointly owned property with this man.

He is in debt for thousands by the sound of it.

You need to protect your children so keep your house in your name, then at least you won't end up being homeless because the house has gone.

He probably can't pay much more monthly if he is trying to keep on top of the existing debt repayments.

If everything else is rosy, then it's important he gets on top of this otherwise it will be a dead weight for years. But if everything else is not rosy, then I would be "getting my ducks in a row" as they say.

It is the absolute height of stupidity to be having a second child with this leacher. Kick him out and claim CMS. Honestly why do women continue to accept such a low bar for the men in their lives?

Cancel the phone contract and get rid of the cocklodger. Debts or not he'd pay more than £600 in maintenence for two children if he's a high earner.

What kind of relationship is this? Not one you should have brougjt two kids into!

My advice is to throw him out.

Tell him to leave, claim universal credit whilst on maternity leave and claim child maintenance permanttly - you’ll be better. He sounds like a pig

Get rid. This doesn’t seem much of a relationship. He buys his own food? He should be contributing to family food, not just buying for himself. Does he buy his daughter food or is that down to you? I think I already know the answer to that. He is taking the absolute P. Write down all your household expense bar the mortgage, including childcare. Include food as he should be paying for his child’s food too, and split down the middle.

He expects to pay the same when you’re on mat leave. Wow. He also is angry that you won’t pay off his debt so you can buy a house. Well for one, I would not be buying a house with this guy, but he can sulk elsewhere as its pathetic he expects you to bail him out when he won’t even pay 100% of costs when you’re on mat leave. This isn’t a loving partner, seriously, I know its said far too often on this forum, but LTB.

Whatever you do, don’t marry this man otherwise he will be entitled to half your house and you’d be picking up his debts.
In fact, I’d dump his cocklodging arse and go for CM.

He is a waster but you have to accept some responsibility for your choices here. Having a second child with someone who contributes nothing but childcare bills towards his own child is ridiculous and quite frankly a poor one. These things should be discussed before having children. Is your self esteem really that low that you would accept this? If so,why?

I hope you have support in terms of family or friends because his attitude isn't conducive to having a healthy relationship. Partners should be exactly that, they raise you up. Yours doesn't care if your mortgage gets paid. That shows a lack of respect, empathy and love. I'd give my head a wobble if I were you.

Why did you have not one but two children with this man……sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own life choices

Wtf. He is financially exploiting you and this is a man YOU chose to have not 1 but 2 children with. What were you thinking?? This is a terrible set up.

Kick him out and apply for CMS

I just do not understand this.

You know he is a freeloader, who does nothing, is not an equal parter and does not contribute financially

Yet you went on to have another child with him

Get rid

Please stop carrying him. Focus on yourself and your children.
You seem to be enabling him, it has gone beyond supporting.
Has he applied for a 2nd job, shown you a budget and a timeline, acted like an adult?
He is drifting around in selfish bubble where he is owed something better. Credit cards funding God knows what, his dad paying for same and you propping up his fantasy.
Drop the rope and let this dead beat face the consequence of his actions.

We all make mistakes @CheekyChips44 , you are not responsible for his.
He is now emotionally blackmailing you to fix his problems. He is robbing you of your peace and the life you could have. You are too good for him and deserve better.

Sounds like you would be better off alone. Check what benefits you would be entitled to.

If you did want to give him another chance then as per a previous poster you need to write down every household bill (print off evidence if he is being difficult to prove it) and show him what his half would come to.
Ours alone would be approx
Council tax £110
Gas/electric £70
Water £55
Internet £15
Then food/household/cleaning items £300

So we are nearly at £600 without nursery fees, individual phone costs, insurance, car maintenance, petrol, one of buys, birthdays, haircuts, clothes, kids clubs etc.

He gives me £600 a month- which sounds a lot

No it doesnt...It sounds pathetic. Grads living in a house share with 5 strangers have higher basic outgoings/ financial responsibilities. He isnt even paying for himself let alone his child.
When you say it pay your childcare cost so you can work toward more money for him .
It's giving pimp vibes. You go and earn money for him to keep him comfortable.

Not an option, as he is in loads of debt, has a shit credit rating and is paying off 10 credit cards (no, I’m not exaggerating) with the APR on them creeping up

And then he wants to have the audacity to abuse the pregnant mother of his kidd because he ran up debt????
please please Wake up!!!

Financially I reckon you would be significantly better off breaking up and claiming CMS.
This guy is costing you at LEAST £600 pm
Food, council tax (youd get 75% alone), bills, phone, mothers food alllll the other shit you pay for.

No CLUE why you got pregnant a second time but its here and happening so all you can do is go from here. You ar responsible for yoour choices and (as the only adult in the room) your children

What you also need to realise is he is LEECHING from the children as well as you.
if you cant leave for you do it for them.

If he was an actual, proper man and brought home his earned wages and supportted a. Himself and b. His family when the kids are adults youd be hundreds of thousands of pounds better off.
He is stealing their future and their money

What on earth is he spending the rest of his salary on if he’s only paying you £600?
is he working and how much is he making?
How are you going to cover your second maternity leave as presumably even if he had agreed to up his contribution it would still leave a big shortfall?

So. You are funding living with a non-related bloke who is completely horrible, hates you, you hate him (with good reason). You have made a series of frankly insane decisions - having two babies with someone who doesn’t like you and treats you terribly - and continue to let him live there.
why?
it’s really difficult to advise when no one has any idea why you haven’t kicked him out of your own house. It doesn’t make any sense.

Are you being forced to live with him op?

(that’s all I can think of. A cultural reason? Abuse? I think you will get the answers you need clearer if you can tell us why you haven’t ended this relationship and asked him to leave)

Yanbu and he should be paying a lot more but for a couple about to have a baby you’re both in a worrying place if he’s thinking about what would happen if ye were breaking up and you’re saying he’s swanning about like he owns the place. Wherever a person lives they should be able to swan about!! You definitely don’t sound like a team ready to parent a new baby

You pay 1000 a month on food… bloody hell. What are you feeding? An army?

An this is they guy you choose to saddle up and breed with? Why?

I say this with kindness but could you get some counselling to work out why you’ve allowed him to treat you so badly? This is not okay.

That sounds awful OP. You’re never going to be financially free with this deadweight dragging you down. You need to think carefully about what he’s bringing to the relationship and whether this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. Misalignment of attitudes towards finances is a massive relationship killer.

LTB.