AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work?

[jolonger]

AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work? Or do I have particularly obtuse kids?

Apparently for my stubborn and defiant two year old I should offer choices. This always leads to a prolonged drama with wanting the red socks then the blue then the red then the tantrum anyway when you’ve put the ‘wrong’ socks on. Or just NO SOCKS.

When he is having a tantrum I should verbalise his frustration ‘you’re angry I took you away from the swing’ but when he’s furious if I say anything it gets him more and more worked up. Wait until he’s calm then so I do it goes silent then if I speak again raging starts.

It makes me feel like I’m doing a terrible job and my kids are broken somehow!

Yanbu to say parenting advice doesn’t work. Yabu to say you’re doing a terrible job and your kids are particularly obtuse or broken.

Every child is different and so all parenting advice is going to be hit or miss on what works for your child. This is true for both neurotypical children and neurodivergent children. Parenting is a learning process where you learn your child. You learn what they individually need to help them manage difficult emotions. It’s why you can’t parent siblings exactly same, which is incredibly difficult to do while maintaining equity between siblings.

In addition, no parent can prevent explosive expressions of negative emotion in children. They are going to have this struggle especially as toddlers, in puberty and in adolescence- due to the hormonal and physical changes they are undergoing.

Parenting is not easy, but you are not alone. Just keep calm, keep your patience and respond with love.

I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all.
Do what you think would work for your situation. Your aim is for your child knowing who’s in charge.

Your kids aren’t broken, kids are just like adults in that they are all different and there isn’t one approach that fits all, it’s a bit of trial and error to figure out what works for you! Options work really well for my 2 year old for example but one of my best friends has a child the same age and it really doesn’t work for her child, her child manages best with less options and just a straight forward instruction. Neither child is broken, just different :)

Yeah the whole choices thing didn’t work for my kid. In fact it overwhelmed her and made her even more unhinged. Some kids just need telling what to do and then you just do it for them. And others need really low demand parenting. Even siblings don’t need the same parenting. Temperament plays a huge part. I struggled with the ‘scripts’ and my daughter’s behaviour was getting worse and worse and then I spoke to my health visitor and totally changed my perspective and changed everything. It helped a lot

Firstly you are doing a good job and your children are not broken. The “terrible twos” would try the patience of a saint! Unfortunately parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual and tbh as parents especially of young children you are winging it and a one size doesn’t fit all. The important thing is consistency and the child knowing you are in charge.

You can't really have general parenting advice as what works for one child doesn't always work for another. I think the only thing you can consistently try to do is to remain calm (easier said than done sometimes!). One of my DC used to have the most awful meltdowns and there was literally nothing that helped other than to sit calmly somewhere near to her and say nothing until it was over. Try to learn the triggers and avoid them where possible, although it isn't always.

That advice will work for some kids, lots of kids probably, but not not all kids.

It's trial and error. If you've tried those techniques and they don't work move on and try something else.

If I'd tried those techniques and found they didn't work my next steps would be to review the routine and make sure they're getting enough in terms of sleep, food, stimulation and downtime. Try extreme signposting. I'd also really thinking about picking my battles (for example, if they want no socks is that really an issue?).

Remaining calm doesn’t work either! I find the times I get pushed to my giddy limit and end up screaming my head off is actually the most effective.

Definitely depends on the child. With DD I read all the gentle parenting approaches like How to Talk So Kids will Listen and the Lansbury lady and it all worked brilliantly. Now my sister has a son who I care for frequently and none of it works.

Think of parenting advice as tools in a tool kit. I like to collect as much as I can but I don't use it all because different things work for different kids and situations but it's worth trying.

Not being unreasonable at all!

Effective at what? Frightening your child into silence and submission?
Screaming your head off is terrible parenting with seriously bad long term consequences. You need to try not to do that.

If screaming your head off at a child becomes a habit, it would be categorised as verbal abuse.

Choices are really difficult for young children in my experience, in fact they can be difficult for older children and adults. Decision fatigue.

But “my stubborn and defiant two year old“ is, in fact, just a two year old. I think the only thing to do is wait it out. I know others will disagree and prefer boundaries and so on, but it’s a stage in his development.

He’s not able to communicate well, because he’s only 2. He’s learning to be different and independent from you and he’s trying to understand his feelings and he’s learning that his world is changing: until recently, his entire experience of the world was that if he wanted something, he would usually get it, because babies usually do get what they want. He’s also learning how much he can depend on you to manage and contain his feelings. That’s crucial for him developing self regulation into adulthood.

Above all, do not take it personally. Hard, I know.

@jolonger Offer choices to a 2 year old? Who says so? Absolutely not for the reasons you have discovered. Parents make decisions at this age with choice offered when it really really doesn’t matter. So when you are not time pushed, not at meals, but for the odd snack etc. They don’t get unlimited choice and no long explanations they don’t understand. “One more go on the swing then it’s home for tea” will do. Don’t discuss these things because you need the decision made. If they cannot be verbal with their frustration, too bad really. They will. However you need to be firm but kind. Otherwise look at the consequences!

It's trial and error for each child. No way would I have given DS a choice over sock colour at 2! You just get them dressed. We took ds (7) away recently and as it was a destination DH and I had been to before we'd said to him he could largely choose what we did while we were there. One morning I asked him do you want to go here and then do this or do that and then go there today (both options he'd enjoy) he said mummy it's too much pressure to decide, so I said ok I'll choose today then , told him what we were doing and he was excited. Now he's 7 and fairly articulate but it's worth remembering that what seen like simple choices to adults are bigger to children.

Yes. Probably. But then abandoning my older child is as well which is kind of what happens if I can’t get the younger one out on time. It’s not easy. I don’t think it’s become a hair but I have been stretched to my limit lately and lost patience a few times. I’m not proud of it but have to admit it works.

Do me a favour and don’t act like I’m doing something so bizarre and strange it’s akin to wearing a fairy outfit in deep snow or something?

It’s all over here, all the recommended parenting books and websites suggest it. I agree it’s shit advice but it is not my advice, OK?

I think it helps to read the books but be prepared to throw away what doesn't t work for you.

I have one who is autistic and was nonverbal for a while. He's never really fallen for the low value choices hack, and if I used too many words he would not understand and just be furious with me. I don't think this was my fail, we just had to go off piste and find another tack.

I do think children quite often can't process lengthy explanations, especially when dysregulated, and fashion will move on from this current emphasis on it. It's just really hard when they are small and it gets easier as their understanding improves, and (crucially) as your understanding of them improve as they can tell you more.

I agree. Choices don’t always work for a strong willed child and they need secure boundaries.

In a loving busy family a bit of stern face and raised voice at pinch points is sometimes the most effective thing to convey the urgency of needing to get out the door of needing to get them to focus. I don’t mean as a first pass, but if you’ve given them several lovely warnings and time checks and they’re still dilly dallying, a bit of shouty mum is what they need.

But child-led parenting advice has made everyone into ridiculous hippy dippy negotiators “…I know you’re having big feelings right now…” bollocks. I think this is one of the main reasons for the growing mental health crisis in children.

It’s not a democracy. Parents need to establish a benign dictatorship and strictly uphold boundaries. Especially when children are tiny. They need that safety even if they don’t like it sometimes. As they get to teenagers you can flip the model depending on how sensible and trustworthy they are.

Shouty (but otherwise loving) mums get shit done and their kids easily know what the score is.

Yeah, most of the time when parents say “it doesn’t work for my child”, they haven’t actually done it properly and followed through, as you’ve demonstrated here with the sock example.

They pick a pair of socks out of two choices. Whatever they pick, that’s what they have. You don’t allow them to go back and forth switching socks.

Once they know they pick a choice out of two (and if they don’t, you will) and that’s what they’re stuck with, and that is always the case, there will be no tantrum.

You’re getting tantrums because you aren’t consistent. You can’t half-arse something and then complain it doesn’t work. You need to actually do it properly and consistently.

By ending up screaming at your kids all you’ve done is literally taught them not to listen to you 🤷‍♀️ Because nothing is necessary until you scream.

Your kids aren’t broken, and you aren’t a bad parent. You’re just not properly following advice and just half arsing it and expecting it to still work.

Sometimes rather than all those word distraction works - oh look it’s time to go now
or being silly - watch mammy hop to the car can you hop better

I didn't bother offering choices or having long convos with a toddler.

But then I am not very keen on Western parenting or parenting out of books. I parented the way my parents did and it worked out ok.

it sounds stressful, OP. If you are running to a schedule just chuck the relevant clothing in a bag and head on out. If it is the fairy costume in the snow scenario they will soon want more clothing.

Who honestly has time for ' verbalising their frustrations"? Toddlers are always frustrated.