AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work?

[jolonger]

AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work? Or do I have particularly obtuse kids?

Apparently for my stubborn and defiant two year old I should offer choices. This always leads to a prolonged drama with wanting the red socks then the blue then the red then the tantrum anyway when you’ve put the ‘wrong’ socks on. Or just NO SOCKS.

When he is having a tantrum I should verbalise his frustration ‘you’re angry I took you away from the swing’ but when he’s furious if I say anything it gets him more and more worked up. Wait until he’s calm then so I do it goes silent then if I speak again raging starts.

It makes me feel like I’m doing a terrible job and my kids are broken somehow!

I am getting tantrums because of me, is it, it’s nothing to do with the age.

I’ve really noticed as I’ve been consistent and calm etc and it’s just got worse then this morning I’m at my limit and I can’t take another prolonged battle over socks and I lose my temper and … voila, compliance.

I don’t know. I probably am doing a crap job though otherwise it probably would work … I am doing a crap job, the things I should be doing don’t work so I’m obviously doing them wrong but there’s nothing to explain how I’m doing them wrong.

You will always get tantrums, but you will have more tantrums when you are not consistent.

They “listen” to you when you scream because you have literally taught them to ignore you until you scream. You’ve taught hem that your words mean absolutely nothing until you scream.

IMO, the place for parenting advice is when you've exhausted your internal parenting intuition and none of that is working. Some advice can help you reframe the issue, recognise something that you might not have considered, or just give you new strategies to try. Sometimes you get someone who has been in the same situation who chanced upon a really 'out of the box' solution that can help.

But generally, I think parenting by instinct and responding to your own kids individual needs should be the starting point forost people, with recourse to advice only if you've run out of your own ideas!

My parents just got on with it when my sister and I were young. There were no child psychologists. TV pudits or do-gooders on social media. If we played up we got a smack across the legs and/or sent to bed. None of this gentle parenting and helecoptering around. Children were not allowed to rule the house, interrupt adults and were taught respect for authority figures and parents.

Do you have any support from your own parents? Modern parenting books seem to think everyone over 60 was a terrible parent, but that is not my experience.
I certainly think my.mum was a far better parent than most parenting gurus, especially Gina Ford.

A few times is no issue, just don’t let it be your go to reaction. It seems to work, but it isn’t really. You’re modelling that whoever screams the loudest and is the most intimidating gets their way. I appreciate it is difficult, I’ve been there, but you need to either accept being late happens upon occasion or start the morning routine earlier so you’re not put into panic and scream mode.

Two year olds can be awful little tyrants. Child behaviour books don’t work, because they can’t read. 😂

Just press on, follow your instincts, try to kerp calm, be consistent, and hold onto the thought that this stage passes. 😊

Depend on the advice. Better to rely on your instincts.

Got it. 100% my fault. Even though I lost it for the very first time this morning after weeks of this behaviour. Still my fault. Sure it is.

@CharlotteRumpling unfortunately not.

The verbalising feelings and offering choices doesn’t work for sure 😂

There is no need to constantly scaffold and validate a child’s emotions. I don’t mean dismissing or not allowing their feelings- I mean just getting on with things and moving forward with what you were doing when they are carrying on. You then get where you need to be on time, they get over it and there’s absolutely no wallowing or rehashing.

YANBUX

Well, yes, I’m sure, but in fairness ChatGPT, CBeebies parenting website, that How To Talk book that seems very popular on here all say that validating the feelings works!

In our case the validation can’t be heard above desperate screams (mine or his unsure …)

I thi j what might be happening is that you're trying this advice but it's not you so you're feeling unsure I'd it and toddler totally sees that so has a field day. If it'd not you don't do it. I am a v touchy feely, gentle (not permissive) and yet no nonsense parent and I never offered a sock choice. The choices bit is more if there's an issue ans then you give A or B. As you say sometimes that's too stressful so you say 'It's hard to make a choice sometimes so I will help you.' Choose the socks and get on with it. He's kicking and holding things up, picking up and go. The house can't wait on him.
Janet Lansbury is goof though you're probably loathe to listen to an more advice but she's got a piece called don't keep a testing toddler hanging and explains well about them pushing buttons etc. Definitely no to the regular screaming. He's tiny and learning and his brain is really not online just yet.

There’s thousands of bits of parenting advice out there. But like arseholes everyone has parenting advice, regardless if they’ve ever had kids.

Everyone’s situation is different, kids are different and family set ups are different.

One tipit of advice I follow is the louder the child screams the quieter my voice becomes. If I start screaming I’ve already lost the argument/my job as mum is to stay cool - not always easy mind, sometimes I’ve got to take a deep breath. I’ll only become angry/loud with my toddler if she’s doing something dangerous to scare her into compliance.

If there’s a huge sock battle in your house why not try just putting on socks when you arrive at your destination? That way he’s distracted/cannot join in until he’s got his socks and shoes on and mentally it’s away from the current battle field.

He seems worried about making the wrong choice

Socks are just socks - I have seen some parents remove ‘wrong socks’ as they don’t match or are fluffy socks instead of thin socks or whatever - don’t give him choices of one choices is the wrong one - he won’t want to get it wrong - kids are programmed to please their parents

I couldnt be arsed with validating their feelings at age two. Maybe offer only one colour of sock. Ignore the screaming or walk away ( not far).

I’m not feeling unsure - I’m very confident indeed it doesn’t work 😂 I’m wondering if others found this and the parenting books are suggesting parenting a fictitious and cooperative toddler or whether mine is just broken.

@Bumblingbee92 it isn’t about the socks. It was the socks this morning, tomorrow it could be the wrong drinks bottle or shoes or anything really. It’s nothing to do with socks. I do understand there must be a level of frustration for him, I honestly do, but sometimes I do have to live my life and it can’t be about his feelings about socks, ie I can’t sit around and wait for him to decide the socks (or shoes, or whether he wants his hat or not.)

It’s exhausting and thankless. I hate this stage!

Same here for validating unless they at a later age were complaining and I agreed that seemed really annoying but other times I'd try it and he'd be mad, probably thinking shut up I don't want to hear this 😀
So it doesn't work stop doing it. Just get through as the person in charge. Be the hulk, as Vannesa dePointe says. I like her too. Visualise yourself as the strong leader, unbothered and confident in yourself. I think your ds is sensing your uncertainty

It isn’t about socks. It’s about trying to hold things up, I guess.

This morning we’ve had screams because he wanted a card in the Yoto player and I put it in, he wanted a drink and I gave him a drink, he hit me and clawed my face yesterday evening because he wanted to go outside and dad put his shoes on (I will say in fairness he was very tired at that point) and then he found a new pack of socks I’d picked up for him from Sainsbury’s.

It does bring back memories, when ds1 was the same age I bought SEVEN packs of socks from a supermarket as they were transport ones and he’d only wear the ones with fire engines on, so … I’ve made myself laugh; I’d forgotten about that 😂

It does pass eventually he’ll hopefully resemble a semi reasonable human around this time next year.

I don't mean you're not confident but you're not confident in this advice which isn't working, understandably.

Choices increase anxiety in some children. They prefer the security of an adult in charge.

They can help with other types of children.

Validating emotions doesnt stop the emotion being expressed. Im probably explaining it badly. Its a slow process to go from knowing what an emotion is to regulating that emotion. At that age you are just labeling the emotion really so they know what it is. You probably dont need acknowledge the reason they feel angry. Just say 'you are angry' then distract him asap not expecting him to go 'oh, 'im angry I need to do x or y to not feel angry'. Some adults havent even got there yet! He might already know he feels angry so be thinking why the eff is she pointing that out.

the other part of that is when you are angry you are supposed to model how to regulate when you are feeling angry. So you might go gosh im so angry my body feels hot and tight, I am going to do ten star jumps and have a cup of tea till I feel better and can solve this problem.

Absolutely!

My family raised reasonably adjusted human beings, so I tended to follow what was modelled around me by my own parents and my older sister who had three children before I started.

I find some folks read so many books, looking for methods, by the time they've finished reading the horse has already bolted. They're frustrated, the children are frustrated, dysregulated and just desperate for some consistent parenting.

The child-led hullabaloo has parents who have no control, children who are terribly behaved and schools that are now behaviour-management centres. Utter madness.

This is out of fashion now but still works when you apply it consistently. Spanking is also NOT abusive when done sparingly (and in places where it’s within the law). It gets the message across.

I don't believe in spanking. And I come from a culture where kids are spanked.
Firm voice and few choices worked for me.

Your child is a person. Get to know him and relate with him as he is and as you are. Don't try to manage him, just be in charge. It sounds like you don't want him to be angry - he is allowed to be angry! Be confident and relaxed and if he wants to do something that doesn't matter like not wear socks just let him not wear socks. If he has to wear socks for some reason just tell him he has to wear socks for xyz reason. I think offering choices at this age is too much - choice can be overwhelming and adds in a totally unnecessary layer of pressure. In terms of the anger, no one wants to be told 'you're angry I took you away from the swing' it sounds so patronising and indifferent. When you are angry what do you want from the other person? An apology? An explanation? For the other person to look like they care that you are angry? For them to get a bit angry too? I think trying to relate with someone by using techniques is never going to work, you need to be more real. Remember that you ARE in charge, even if you don't feel like it. He can be angry and you can take him away from the swing. It feels like you think you should be able to take him away from the swing without him being angry about it and that if he gets angry he is a defiant child and you are a poor parent. Not so. You are a good parent and he is a normal 2 year old doing exactly what 2 year olds should do.