AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work?

[jolonger]

AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work? Or do I have particularly obtuse kids?

Apparently for my stubborn and defiant two year old I should offer choices. This always leads to a prolonged drama with wanting the red socks then the blue then the red then the tantrum anyway when you’ve put the ‘wrong’ socks on. Or just NO SOCKS.

When he is having a tantrum I should verbalise his frustration ‘you’re angry I took you away from the swing’ but when he’s furious if I say anything it gets him more and more worked up. Wait until he’s calm then so I do it goes silent then if I speak again raging starts.

It makes me feel like I’m doing a terrible job and my kids are broken somehow!

Yes and what do you do if you were abused or neglected as a child and so can’t just copy and paste what your parents did? Not everyone has the privilege you have.

You read books, you ask for advice,

It’s not hullabaloo and not linked to poorly behaved children in school.

Oh ds2 doesn’t give a shit abut a stern face. Neither does / did ds1.

I am slightly peeved as up until this point I thought ds2 was easy but he isn’t, he was just waiting. Also refuses the potty so will be going to university in nappies at this rate. Or jail.

Spanking is abusive and also illegal in some countries.

There were plenty of poorly behaved children when I was at school. My brothers class had four that ended up in reform school!

Which is why I said you mustn’t do it if it’s against the law. 🙄

I agree with this. Besides, they will very quickly become immune to it and/or, worse, learnt that this is an acceptable way to react to any sort of conflict and you will "enjoy" the same behaviour from them when they reach teenage years.

Are you kidding me? Physically assaulting someone who is defenseless is not abusive?!
What does spanking achieve exactly? Why wouldn't you spank your husband or your mother if they do something you disagree with? Sparingly, of course. It's because spanking an adult person considered to be a physical assault and generally a pretty unhinged way to solve a disagreement. But this doesn't apply to children?
The only reaction spanking ever brought in me as a child is "I don't like you and I don't trust you". That's all. So yes, compliance may have been achieved but at what cost to the child and to the child/parent relationship.

I think it helps to read the books but be prepared to throw away what doesn't t work for you.

This. Also what works for one family or child may not work for another.

Also offering too much choice is overwelming -- as is being verbose - I see a lot of parents these days doing both.

DD1 needed choice from early on would before she could walk have opinions on what to wear - she crawl over and find things from boxes and draws. It was easier to accomodate though with approiate attire than argue.

DS - need one option and to be help/reminded to put it on - offering any choice was overwhelming for him. I got so fed up of people suggetsing reward charts - they were a red rag to a bull with him - made everything worse. Timer and reminders visuable and verbal did help and did firm voice and do this command.

Sometimes they need a look or a very firm do it voice- so you can get out the door on time and occasionally a raised voice you just don't want it to become a habit.

You’re missing all the nuance. Each child has their own personality and needs, and you have to pick and choose the advice that suits your child and parenting style.

I never understand so-called ‘expert’ advice about reasoning/explanations with a 2 year old, except at an extremely basic level. Their language skills are not up to it.

I have 3 and find something that works really well for one doesn’t work at all for the others. And I hear you about staying calm, whilst it seems naturally to be the best thing to do if possible- with my eldest, my calmness almost seemed to enrage her! It would take me getting annoyed and sometimes really telling her off or shouting (which I never want to do!) to almost break the spell of the rage she felt, and she’d calm down, it was bizarre! Middle child HATES if I try and ‘name his feelings’ he has been known to shout ‘STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS!!’ Youngest is more amenable to standard advice. I have found Dr Becky Kennedy to be very helpful- she talks about ‘Deeply Feeling Kids’- and some of those strategies have really helped my middle child (one example she talks about is asking them questions, and they do thumbs up, thumbs down or ‘neutral’ thumb- so you can explain that to them, and then say ‘I think you’re annoyed because of X’ and they can agree or disagree with the thumb- sounds weird but my son responds really well to it). Just one random example, but she has loads of practical advice.

Haha I ask myself this everyday! I think it’s all trial and error. Currently with my two year old I find it best if I just give one choice, once. So I’d say do you want to wear pyjama A or pyjama B - he says A and then strops about wanting B 😂 I’ll just say they are for tomorrow night and then ignore any further meltdown. I definitely found all this “I know you’re sad about pyjama B” stuff was just fuelling the tantrum.

The best advice I got from another mother with older child when we were all freaking out about potty training was to say none of them will be walking down the isle in nappies and some kids just take longer so stop stressing as it helps no-one.

Older two took longer had accidents - turns out eldest has ADHDand second one something ND - certainly they both don't get body feedback messaages as normal. So while I was blame it part of a pattern and they still got there in their own time.

I had a friend crippled by Mum guilt working or not and she had no authority (and an undermining husband ) she'd flap around apologise sound unsure back track and then eventually lose it with shouting which bounced off eldest - they completely tuned her out. I found her kids easy enough as did many others- they needed clear direction and prompts - so she'd spend 10 minute flapping and not getting a coat on and I'd run out or patience and take coat simile and firmly say - arm - and child would put arm into sleeve with no issue- and on we'd go.

Faces and look could work but often it was a clap for attention or a noise that worked with mine got attention and from there we'd move to clear short instruction - often getting it said back to me.

Personally, I don't think offering "choices" works at early ages at all.

I never offered our DS any choices. I laid out his clothes every day. He never even gave a thought to wanting to wear anything different and it just became his acceptance as to his clothes that day. As he got older, he'd start giving his preferences when we were out shopping for clothes, but it was still a mix of what he wanted and what I choose, and I still laid out the clothes for him, without him arguing/questioning.

Same with food/meals. Yes, of course I listened to him and knew what foods he liked and disliked, but at meal/snack times, I gave him what I chose to give him, again, no choice, so no drama/argument.

So, yes, there was "feedback" as to his preferences, but it wasn't a "here and now" argument/decision every day/meal etc. I'd take his feedback/thoughts/opinions on board and they'd be borne in mind for the future. It meant we had no daily dramas.

I agree. There needs to be an implicit "I'm the boss" situation set up from the outset, i.e. as soon as they become aware of themselves. That doesn't stop you taking their opinions/views on board, but there's a time and a place. And a toddler "stropping" around because of sock colour or something is simply not acceptable on any level and needs nipping in the bud before it even happens.

I think part of the issue is that not every method works for every child

some wil find the choice great and others need a firmer line to cope with choices and others need no choice at all

some will respond to humour

some will respond to “can we cuddle once you are dressed “

aome will respond to reasoning and a sad face and others will laugh

some will respond to a stern voice and others will dissolve

and all children will has tantrums sometimes and that’s fine - a tantrum isn’t a parenting fail

Literally reading this while battling my strong willed 5 year old daughter! My first lulled me into a false sense of security as although she has her difficult moments they are few and far between. My youngest put us off having a third as she is a strong willed little madam. She’s also awesome in between but it is a constant battle. She’s quite smart which doesn’t help and being the second child she watches her sister so does things earlier than in development than I expect.

I do shout sometimes too as I am not perfect and anyone that says it’s possible to never shout at children must have very easy going children. My daughter is getting easier and I need to shout less often but when she’s tired or coming down with a bug I have to really find my patience. I don’t give choices if it’s going to take too long and I explain now she’s older that she won’t get to do something she wants if she doesn’t do what I ask when I ask.

Maybe a reward chart or jar of marbles would
be a good idea as I know they do that at schools and preschools. Has to be small enough that it’s easily obtained with good behaviour over a week or so.

outright bribery worked with one of mine when potty training! My youngest potty trained before she was 2 as she wanted to be like her big sister. Half of her temper is frustration as she wants to be able to do everything.

good luck they will be awesome adults if we survive bringing them up!!!

And see that’s the attitude that’s causing your entire problem.

Instead of being willing to accept responsibility and look at how you can effectively parent your children, it’s so much easier for you to brush it off with “oh yeah it’s my fault”, not do anything to improve your situation and just keeping shouting at your kids.

Totally accept responsibility. They are my children after all. But … I don’t really know what I could have done any differently.

There are more parenting techniques than the gentle parenting approach - some suggestions are in this thread - there is lots to do different

and that includes accepting no socks
wlaking away and leaving te child to strop as though you don’t care

loads of options

altThough it’s always hard in the thick of it

I’ve already explained how you handled the sock example incorrectly and what you should have done instead.

It’s really simple, you follow the advice as given and don’t deviate.

Parenting is building a relationship and getting to know a human who actually already comes with preferences and bits of a personality already. So some advice will work amazingly for your specific child and some will not work at all. Sadly it’s not like an instruction manual for a household appliance although I wish it was. The most frustrating thing is people who have nice easy compliant kids sometimes over estimate the role their parenting decisions had in making their kid like that. I say that as someone who’s third child fully humbled me.

Oh sorry, didn’t realise I was talking to God himself. I’m not finding you helpful or engaging. Let’s just leave it as we aren’t going to see eye to eye.

This was funny, sorry i know youre in the trenches but at least you have your humour !

You sound frazzled, it's such an intense age. Are you a single parent? Can you get a little more time to yourself to unwind somehow?