AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work?

[jolonger]

AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work? Or do I have particularly obtuse kids?

Apparently for my stubborn and defiant two year old I should offer choices. This always leads to a prolonged drama with wanting the red socks then the blue then the red then the tantrum anyway when you’ve put the ‘wrong’ socks on. Or just NO SOCKS.

When he is having a tantrum I should verbalise his frustration ‘you’re angry I took you away from the swing’ but when he’s furious if I say anything it gets him more and more worked up. Wait until he’s calm then so I do it goes silent then if I speak again raging starts.

It makes me feel like I’m doing a terrible job and my kids are broken somehow!

Op be kind to yourself. I never used to allow screen time until my DD turned 2 and I do use it as a babysitter at times. If i’m stressed/loosing my patience I’m not a good mum. I think with 2 year olds it’s picking your battles.

As PP said, they’re mini humans (I remember being really young and how frustrating it was not being listened to) and I often put myself in my DD shoes before I say yes/no/start a battle. I ask her every time I get her a drink what cup she wants, open the cupboard to show her what’s clean, we’ve had battles over coloured cups in the past and I can’t be bothered to have another one. She also learnt that that’s only options, I’m not going in the car to find her bottle or handing washing the purple cup. DH often just picks out a cup and she’ll kick off, I think to myself ‘it takes 5 seconds to ask her’… If I’m about to walk out the door and she wants to take her giant teddy in the car I think ‘fuck it, what’s the actual harm’. If she throws her plate on the floor as she’s fed up from sitting at the table I’m going to spend 30 minutes making her clean it up and then she can watch TV whilst I drink tea in the other room to regroup.

That’s because they know you’re not really stern and you’ll give in to anything.

The DC need to know you’re really pissed off and their behaviour has consequences. They’ve had the gentle request, the firm request, the stern face and then shouty mum (grey rock, no trip to the park, tv off and go to their room, or if really bad surfboard etc).

You sound like you pander to their every little whinge and that’s why posters are talking about consistency.

Wow, you’re here! Another God on the thread 🙄

I have taught children with complex needs for over twenty years; I know how to be stern. My own kids? Don’t give a shit.

I have a great stern voice. Using it on a child who's screaming for over an hour because I offered him a choice between a green cup and a blue cup would be like trying to beat impeding Vikings back with an egg whisk. Just the wrong tool for the job <shrug>

If the first thing you try works, great, but that doesn't make you the expert on all children everywhere. Some of us have to work a bit harder to find what works for the particular individuals we are trying to shape into decent humans.

My child hadn't read those books either.

One I did actually find useful was 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffery Bernstein). He appeared to have met her!

Good luck OP.

My sister said to me once, at least our kids will be able to stand up for themselves!

@jolongerIt depends what you read to be honest. I didn’t say it was your advice but you clearly have been following some mantra with associated problems. Like others, I’m simply saying don’t offer choice and you make the decisions and don’t discuss everything. 2 year olds can rarely articulate how they feel. There’s a lot of parenting tosh about so use your instincts which are probably to take control. Not really any idea why you picked on me. I didn’t say you were rubbish! I possibly now think it - silently. Enjoy your children.