Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

[CheesyPeeeps]

I just don’t know what to think here.

I had a very good friend, who had a child the same age as mine. Our children went through a few years of school together and were very good friends. The only indication of anything being amiss with this friend was that she had a few previous tricky friendships that she would talk to me about, which I didn’t think too much of.

My husband was offered a fantastic work opportunity and we moved to quite an exotic place for a few years. During this time, I kept in touch with this friend mainly on Facebook. I am not very good at texting, and I always warn friends of this at the beginning of any friendship. And I have a really big family, which makes keeping in touch with everyone (particularly when so far away) very tricky.

Anyway, 2 years later, we returned to live in the UK. My friend and I were really looking forward to meeting up, but from the first meet up, things felt so weird. Before our move, my friend had been more wealthy than us, but DH had progressed quite a bit with his career over those couple of years. Also, we had been posting pictures of our travels on social media. Lots of family wanted us to share this, but I appreciate if my friend didn’t like seeing these. These are the only two things of that I could think changed our friendship whilst we were away but I really don’t know.

I invited my friend over to visit us as soon as we moved in to our new place, and she just went round the house insulting things. It’s tricky though, I thought maybe she had just had a bad day and tried to just move on.

However, our sons have drifted apart quite a bit since we moved and have now had a falling out, and I noticed that my friend has now unfollowed me on all social media. She still has other mutual friends.

What have I done here? I just can’t wrap my head around it? The last thing I did was invite her over for dinner and she declined and now this? I don’t understand. AIBU?

I agree with you.
However, we on MN can’t possibly know what is in their minds. So it’s up to you to make a decision.
Either you go to see her and ask her, face to face, what has happened to bring about this change.
OR, you just put it down to experience and move on.

Interesting that that is your opinion. I keep my social media circle fairly small and aim to only have people on there who I actually speak to in real life (besides a few networking contacts who can't see anything I post anyway as my settings are set up to only show posts to selected people)

I think it's fair enough to unfriend people on social media if you're unlikely to pick up a real life friendship with them again. Why would you need to still see their life if you're not part of it?

Yeah I wouldn't get too bothered about the social media thing. It's a bit dramatic to say it's a statement. It's fine to not want to see someone's post if they annoy you. Staying friends online is part of the whole fakery of it. Be glad it's a clear line and take that as your cue to disengage in every way beyond basic civility.

Two things here.
Firstly friends should never be in competition or be jealous of each other. Friendship isnt based on money and material goods. So do you really want to be friends with someone like that? But it might not even be that, you're just guessing.
Second thing you may have just drifted apart. I know you said youre not the best at communicating but sometimes you have to make a bit of an effort, especially when youre the one who has moved away. If you dont appear to make the effort it looks like you dont care and aren't bothered about your friendship.
If you want to try resolve it why dont you speak to your friend to try determine what the issue is and see if you can resolve it and reconnect. Failing that put it behind you and move on.

Seems a shame. Have you tried asking her about it OP?

She’s clearly jealous of you. Coming round and being rude and negative isn’t a pleasant experience and nice people simply don’t do that.
Unfriending someone is nasty and unnecessary. You can still be friends with someone on social media and simply unfollow them without unfriending.
Your friend has decided you are no longer friends and doesn’t want you in their life. It’s harsh when you have a genuine affection for someone but really move on.

Her behaviour speaks volumes.
Don’t waste energy wishing she was still a part of your life and wondering if you did something wrong. We never have any control of what people think of us …. But we can control how we respond to that.
You already know she doesn’t hold some of her ‘friends’ in high regard. It’s never nice to realise you’ve joined ‘those’ ones!
Leave her to her cruel behaviour and surround yourself with people who wouldn’t even consider behaving like that …. to anyone.
You deserve better!

You should be able to talk about the good things in your life with friends. You don’t sound braggy at all, I had a friend like your friend once, she completely ghosted me and looking back I realise she seemed to prefer it when things were going wrong for me. Not a friend at all really so good riddance.

Hi - firstly want to say sorry to hear this- it’s odd & unsettling when a friendship changes & can make you feel a bit lost. I don’t think it’s showing off or weird or anything to mention you moved to an exotic location- relocation is normal and how fab for you that you and the family got to experience it. It’ is important you noted the financial difference and how it may have mattered to your friend- because while you seemed to just like this friend- for her it appears it worked when it worked in the social position she was used to. Friendships often built on social hierarchy don’t continue to thrive when the balance changes which can be so hard when one of you didn’t realise that’s what it was or that it mattered to them so much. You’d think they’d like a match but no it appears she wants to be ‘higher’ hence the mean nasty comments about your home which I’m frankly shocked at- who does that if they are meant to be a friend! It’s downright rude- friend or not. It seems to me that you made a friend, explained you weren’t good at texting -after you moved- upfront- even if this might have made friend sad- she was told and she could move the friendship mentally from ‘everyday’ to ‘away and catch up’ which I have to say as we need to be able to do as we grow up- if someone is upfront as explains what they can or can’t do then that’s good communication! It’s important need to understand- that said- being there when you need to be despite distance- matters. It doesn’t seem you ignored her but she could have been vocal about her needs too rather than passive aggressive which is wrong. Especially as she was so excited about you moving back and now her son has been acting in a mean way- this is not acceptable and you need to make it clear. Yes you miss the friendship and it’s SO hard to accept that someone is being like this, mean, commenting, ignoring you- ghosting- after initial recent care & interest. It can feel like she lured you back to make you feel awful! Try to be calm, remember- short of not being in touch enough- which unless you discussed how this would work while overseas- (you aren’t family!) has to be accepted- especially if she’s so thrilled about your return! And for her son to treat yours like that it’s terrible. Please report it and if you can- have a firm confident word with her- tell her her comments and attitude aren’t acceptable and it’s sad as you did cherish the friendship. It might shake her out of whatever jealous vibe she’s on - jealous and resentful- but remember anyone who does this- wants this effect. Say or write your piece and be- in peace ok!

You are overthinking this.

It was objectively a situational friendship that seemingly worked in the situation you were in at the time - then local, school mum set up, DS then friends - none of those still apply - the situation has changed so time to make new situational friends.

Your reflections are also valid on her always falling out with people, being negative and critical to you and culling her SM - these would have been my boundaries to have ghosted her first - why did you tolerate that?

Where are your boundaries and self respect?

I would be flipping this to a positive that “the trash has taken itself out” - that this jealous, negative, resentful, vexatious, contrary character has flounced off - to make room in your life for more radiant friends.

Thanks for the supportive replies. ❤️

She sounds really bitchy tbh. Even if she thought those things about your new house, she was really rude to vocalise them. It sounds as though she wanted to hurt your feelings, for some reason. I'd let the friendship drop.

Also want to add that it’s the emotional up and downs with people like this can feel so unsettling- it’s gaslighting when someone is caring & welcoming to you- literal open arms time….then sees you you enjoy time together but finds a way to put you down and finally then ignores or blocks you- when nothing actually ‘happened’ between you - certainly not between the welcoming you back, seeing you while rudely commenting and then the ignoring and ghosting, that’s what hurts for anyone that can’t understand it. How would we be approaching this if OP was talking about a romantic partner? Acting like it was ‘all great and back on’ then ‘negging’ under guise of friendship or connection (because they want the power- shows the insecurity & how they are threatened) and then to finally hurt you- ghosting & blocking. It’s the same but worse and saying move on doesn’t help- OP knows she had to and doesn’t want that negativity in her life but is sad and shocked at this! Because all of us would want to know why….It would make any of us feel we were not on steady ground and you don’t have to have a friend since birth to have a real friendship- some of the mums I’ve met over the years have been fun to hang out and some genuinely close friends- you can tell the difference and losing or seeing a friendship change is sad. Stay strong OP remember it’s them.

Ps she is unlikely to ever admit she’s acting the way she is as she’s threatened with your financial change or position - so just know it and don’t think of reasons like that to excuse her- if you do have a chance to talk. Doesn’t matter what else is going on- rudeness and blanking is not acceptable- unless she comes forward and explains she’s got some problems. You could then be the bigger person there and very much like dealing with kids you can accept but explain it’s never a reason to be mean or unkind and hold you head high. Make it clear - in a quiet polite way- what’s acceptable and expected in behaviour and know you’ve done all you can.

If she was a real friend, and you felt secure in that friendship, it wouldn’t feel like bragging. She’d just be delighted for you, as you would be for her.

I get you must feel bemused but honestly reading this and also hearing how her son has been towards yours I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure she’s the person you think she is or was?
you’ve mentioned about tricky friendships of hers in the past? Maybe she has form for this?

It’s probably more to do with what’s happened between the Boys. Each side has their own version of events and no doubt are supportive of their son.

we’ve got some boys across the road from us who are well liked by their teachers but they threaten and bully kids on the school bus as well as attack letterboxes on the way home, father is well known to police etc. My point being at face value things can seem ok.

sadly for you, it’s concluded a friendship that you were looking forward to renewing. You might hear from her again once the boys are out of school, and then you may not..

as a poster has said above, friendships end, and it’s sad when they have been good ones.

try and let it go for now. You may well hear more down the track that will explain events of today…

You sound like a middle aged jealous woman to be honest. I would love to hear about my friends life in another country

I had a friend who practically ghosted when she moved (and I am
talking less than a hour away). If I message her, she will probably respond and while I understand she was busy and stressed, she has not dropped me a message for over year, first.

Every plan, suggestion, invitation has been refused. It sucks. But I now have stopped bothering reaching out or attempting to stay in touch as it is clear she is not interested. We used to meet up and do stuff every 1-2 weeks when she lived 30min away. I was single at the time she was in a relationship. Then I met someone and wanted to introduce her which never happened. her relationship ended about the same time. That’s all that changed. I haven’t even told her I am pregnant because why bother.

That’s life. I don’t think being happy is a reason to be cut off by friend.

I think a lot of these responses are incredibly bitchy and equally jealous of someone who has travelled and done well for themselves. You haven’t bragged by the sound of it and some of these responses are nasty! She sounds like she’s a bit passive aggressive as well and the bottom line and something that I have realised about these situations in later life is it’s a her problem not you. I did this with a friendship group not long ago. Very much a social pecking order thing that was so bizarre to me that it took ages for me to wrap my head around it too. Do not give her another thought. Move forwards actively seek other friends and leave her in the rear view. Block her number unfollow her and if you see her and can walk away. Don’t go to events where she will be unless they are really important to you and have a strategy to politely handle any interaction without engaging at all if you have to.

I don’t claim to have been the perfect friend. I haven’t always been. And I suppose neither has she. Our sons fell out, but again, I’ve tried to appreciate that there will be two sides to this, and I wouldn’t want it to come in the way of our friendship. I suppose I’m just hurt that she has so willingly cut me off. I do understand that I need to move on, and I will.

I’m with you on this OP. It’s not polite or acceptable for friends just to ‘move on’ for no apparent reason and with no explanation. It also seems that your former friend (like many on here it would seem) is embittered by your good fortune. Good on you I say. I don’t see you as boastful but rather as quite perceptive regarding this person and also genuinely concerned for her.

Having said this, she does sound like the kind of person you don’t need in your life any more. However in your shoes I too would be bewildered and disappointed by her behaviour.

She probably feels a bit hurt that you kind of dropped her when you were living your exciting years abroad and now you just expect to slot back in.
Also, if you were living in one of those exotic places where foreigners have gardeners, drivers, housekeepers and nannies that they could never afford at home, she might be looking at you a little differently.
A friend of mine did that and I just couldn't see her the same after.

I mean you couldn’t be bothered to text her back. Why should she be desperate to see you again ?

I hear what you are saying OP actively unfriending you is a deliberate and hurtful act…maybe they mistakenly think you’ve sneered at them (via the fallin* out between your sons) ..maybe the comments about rugby have been linked to you. Definitely painful..as you’ve been without her whilst away try to let it go. It will probably never be explained. It’s normal to be hurt, her rudeness at your home doesn’t sound good, prioritise your sons comfort

The saying there's nowt so queer as folk is very true.