Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

[CheesyPeeeps]

I just don’t know what to think here.

I had a very good friend, who had a child the same age as mine. Our children went through a few years of school together and were very good friends. The only indication of anything being amiss with this friend was that she had a few previous tricky friendships that she would talk to me about, which I didn’t think too much of.

My husband was offered a fantastic work opportunity and we moved to quite an exotic place for a few years. During this time, I kept in touch with this friend mainly on Facebook. I am not very good at texting, and I always warn friends of this at the beginning of any friendship. And I have a really big family, which makes keeping in touch with everyone (particularly when so far away) very tricky.

Anyway, 2 years later, we returned to live in the UK. My friend and I were really looking forward to meeting up, but from the first meet up, things felt so weird. Before our move, my friend had been more wealthy than us, but DH had progressed quite a bit with his career over those couple of years. Also, we had been posting pictures of our travels on social media. Lots of family wanted us to share this, but I appreciate if my friend didn’t like seeing these. These are the only two things of that I could think changed our friendship whilst we were away but I really don’t know.

I invited my friend over to visit us as soon as we moved in to our new place, and she just went round the house insulting things. It’s tricky though, I thought maybe she had just had a bad day and tried to just move on.

However, our sons have drifted apart quite a bit since we moved and have now had a falling out, and I noticed that my friend has now unfollowed me on all social media. She still has other mutual friends.

What have I done here? I just can’t wrap my head around it? The last thing I did was invite her over for dinner and she declined and now this? I don’t understand. AIBU?

I wouldn’t mind drifting apart, I do understand that happens, but she has unfriended me and I’ve realised her husband has too. I have had friends I’ve drifted from, with no falling out - I wouldn’t have just unfriended them on social media. We live close to one another and will continue to bump into each other. How do I act when I see her?

There's so much in your updates , I think it's obvious why ye aren't close anymore but I think for your own sake with future friendships, you are a little naive with the "whole I'm not good with texting, I warn people at the beginning of friendships"

It doesn't take much to send a text now and them or check in. How else when you moved away could you keep up the friendship and sadly if people do drop of contacting, it can affect the friendship. I'd find it strange that someone would warn me at the start of a friendship that they aren't good at keeping in contact tbh. I wouldn't see the point of it.

That said there seems to be bigger issues at play between you both regarding wealth and your sons falling out. Plus if she is saying unkind things, you dont need that in your life either. I would let this one go, op.

Maybe she is just having a cull? Or maybe she just doesn't like you as much as you thought? Maybe she's being eaten up with jealousy at your glam lifestyle abroad and new home and husband with great career as others have said on here? Who knows?

Message her and ask if you need to know. She may not tell you, but you're more likely to get an answer that way than asking a bunch of strangers on here.

I do slightly think (maybe unconsciously) you framed your op to imply that she is jealous of you, so maybe that is what you think already. You do not need us to back up that opinion or you shouldn't anyway. A few people have been very obliging and confirmed she must be jealous. Maybe she is. Who can say?

I wouldn't have phrased it as harshly, but I do wonder if there is something to the question raised by a pp, about whether you have enough going on in your own life as you only mention your husband's success and seem to maybe be quite worried about this friend and also about your perceived status.

Just polite nod or whatever. or blank back if that’s what she does. You’ve said yourself that your sm posts could have been an issue and it’s wise advice for people to not see sm posts that do their head in hence the unfriending. I’ve unfriended people whose posts irritate me, plus the schism with the boys is an issue too. The whole thing has gone south so just start over as if you’d moved to a new area and she’s not your friend. Best to have civil distance than any more bad feeling.

You’ve drifted. That’s all and she’s drawing a line. Maybe despite your I’m a bad texter she thought your friendship meant enough that you’d actually try. When you came home she realised that actually you hadn’t and she cnba. Mixed with a bit of jealousy and boom bye friend.

If you see her in public just be polite as you would to anyone you know but don’t have on social media. Don’t play the add unfriend game if she tries. Just treat her as if she was someone you used to work with.

Also very wise for your son to pull back clearly his over hearing things at home as well as despite being book smart maybe he wishes he was a bit sporty or his just one of those children that grows in to the intelligent but dumb twats.

It does sound like she made some unnecessary comments when she visited you but for me personally I dislike when people preface a situation by going “I’m bad at this” and the other person is then supposed to forever be accepting of this fact. Like people who are always late, ask yourself if you are truly fine with someone who is always late just because they told you they struggle being on time? You’d probably have more patience with them if they have a very good reason for it but of course it would still get annoying regardless.
I do also agree with posters who have said a lot has happened in 2 years and you’ve come back and perhaps come across a bit smug (you did a bit in initial post). The final straw was probably the fallout between your sons because you’ve only heard one side of that story as well and trust your sons version.

When you see her in street I’d give a polite nod and if she ignores you I’d know what to do next time.

YANBU for being upset but she’s not a friend if she walked around your house insulting it.

The trash took itself out…

Her and her son sound rude, resentful and unfriendly. You’re better off without them in your lives. Unfollowing you on fb suggests she is envious. It’ll be easier on her mental health to unfollow you so she isn’t being triggered by your posts. You can have compassion towards her and be friendly when you pass her on the street as you would be with a neighbour or an acquaintance.

You say it was harder keeping in touch being so far away? That's not really an excuse in this day and age. It seems to be a case of "Out of site and out of mind". Unfortunately you can't just pick up where you left off. I suspect it might have been very different if you were regularly in contact with her. She probably feels a bit used. I think would in her situation.

The thing is, when you live away from absolutely all your friends and family, that’s loads of people to be contacting. We video called about once every couple of months, messaged on fb in response to their pictures posted and kept up to date with what they were all up to. I did respond to texts, but not always immediately. When you’re keeping in touch with everyone, whilst trying to settle into a new country, care for an unwell child etc with no family support, it’s can be tricky!

Completely normally. Be pleasant and friendly, unbothered. Don't extend any invitations or make enquiries about her life, just be an adult.
Make like you've cheerfully accepted her decision and won't be responding with any drama.
If she wants bad feeling she can create it on her own. You be sweet and no one can accuse you of any wrongdoing. This is her issue, leave it with her.

Sure but then accept that it will have an effect. You had more important things to do in your new life. The friendship withered and is dead now you’ve come back. Let it go and carry on with the rest of your life. Bumping into someone occasionally doesn’t have to be anything other than a nod and keep walking.

I have never had successful with reviving old friendships

You can make excuses all you want but a text or two once a week doesn’t take long and shows you care.

When you basically go low contact with people you cannot expect them to just sit around hoping one day you’ll give them your attention again.

You wasn’t settling for years and your child wasn’t sick for years. Those would be understandable times when contact slows a bit due to life aboard or not.

Maybe she thought once you came home the friendship would be great which is why she was lovely on FaceTime but when it came down to it and you where stood in front of her she just resented the lack of effort.

“your child wasn’t sick for years”

Wrong by the way!

A video call once every couple of months was obviously not enough to sustain this friendship. And the boys are no longer close either.

It’s not that surprising your friend is acting as she is.

I wouldn’t be bothered by the unfriending, its just SM. i don’t understand why people get bothered by that.
Doesn’t mean you can’t say a polite hello in the street.

It’s not ‘justified’. It’s just not that mysterious.

I saw OP’s ‘showing off’ more as trying to find reasons why this friend would be off with her, rather than just boasting. I read it in the context of laying out the circumstances to mumsnet, not ‘oh we’re so great’.

I find it almost like making a statement, with the unfriending. Her way of making sure I know we are no longer friends. I totally understand having a cull and removing people who you aren’t in contact with etc, but this isn’t long after she came to visit and a couple of weeks since i messaged seeing if she fancied meeting up. And for her and her husband both to unfriend me, it’s definitely like making a statement.

I think your lack of effort over 2 years means she’s not keen to see you now.
And saying in advance that you wouldn’t be in contact isn’t great.
I have a friend who has started going away for 3 months each year. I hear from her at the airport then maybe a 1 line text until she contacts me the day she gets back asking to meet up that week.
i don’t expect even weekly texts, but i don’t feel important to get, and I’m seeing her less.

I agree with this. She was really rude to you and her son is a bully.

It's still going to hurt because she presumably hasn't always been like that. I hope you make some new friends who are worth your time and energy.

Turns out she’s not a very nice person tbh, wasn’t actually a good friend. She preferred things when she was wealthier than you and her DC out performed yours.

She sounds very jealous and wanted things as they were before not the reality of how things are now.

How do I act when I see her?

Personally I’d say hi and keep walking past, because it will give you the least emotional consequences. Any tense or terse exchanges tend to have more emotional consequences.

If she responds and asks a question maybe the unfriending is not a personal issue but a social media cull. If she says hi and keeps going she is doing the same low emotional consequences thing. If she ignores you then you haven’t really lost out by just doing an absolute basic social norm.

It is a statement.
It's a firm, final statement that you can't rightly question because everyone knows that Facebook is just silly. If you make a fuss, you are silly too.
That's how it goes now.

The message has still been delivered.