Ghosted by friend!!! Aibu?

[CheesyPeeeps]

I just don’t know what to think here.

I had a very good friend, who had a child the same age as mine. Our children went through a few years of school together and were very good friends. The only indication of anything being amiss with this friend was that she had a few previous tricky friendships that she would talk to me about, which I didn’t think too much of.

My husband was offered a fantastic work opportunity and we moved to quite an exotic place for a few years. During this time, I kept in touch with this friend mainly on Facebook. I am not very good at texting, and I always warn friends of this at the beginning of any friendship. And I have a really big family, which makes keeping in touch with everyone (particularly when so far away) very tricky.

Anyway, 2 years later, we returned to live in the UK. My friend and I were really looking forward to meeting up, but from the first meet up, things felt so weird. Before our move, my friend had been more wealthy than us, but DH had progressed quite a bit with his career over those couple of years. Also, we had been posting pictures of our travels on social media. Lots of family wanted us to share this, but I appreciate if my friend didn’t like seeing these. These are the only two things of that I could think changed our friendship whilst we were away but I really don’t know.

I invited my friend over to visit us as soon as we moved in to our new place, and she just went round the house insulting things. It’s tricky though, I thought maybe she had just had a bad day and tried to just move on.

However, our sons have drifted apart quite a bit since we moved and have now had a falling out, and I noticed that my friend has now unfollowed me on all social media. She still has other mutual friends.

What have I done here? I just can’t wrap my head around it? The last thing I did was invite her over for dinner and she declined and now this? I don’t understand. AIBU?

She sounds incredibly rude if she was negative and insulting.

Not a friend, really!

Op, I think there are many things at play here and I can understand your hurt. Yes, you have certainly drifted - moving away for two years with sporadic contact, along with your sons’ fall out, will do that - but it does seem very extreme of her to unfollow you on social media etc. Despite what some rhino-hided posters here might think, an unfollow on SM from a friend with whom you share happy memories and history, is a very deliberate snub and one that would hurt most people.

That said, there is a hint of self-congratulation to your opening post, which is why I voted YABU. However, I am on the fence here and may change it because nothing you have done is inherently wrong from the outside, however as with all this things it’s a matter of perception.

You say you liked to post your travels because people wanted you to. I can only assume these people were family and very close friends, in which case could you have considered WhatsApp groups for this? It’s what I do, for the very reason that there is something of a price to pay for sharing widely the brilliance of your life on Insta and FB: most people will be happy for you, and there will be some that aren’t.

I’m not saying that you should dim your light for such people, but more accept that by sharing your brilliant experiences, some people will be made to feel shit when their lives aren’t as sparkly or exciting as yours. Now that’s fine, it’s not your problem, but feelings are feelings, and just as some can’t resist the urge to share their lives, some can’t resist the urge to think ‘oh fuck off’ when they do.

It sounds very much as if your friend is deeply unhappy, from her negative and disgustingly rude attitude towards you (I mean, seriously, do you need that in your life?) and your success has triggered a massive wave of negative self-reflection that has led her to lash out at you. That is not your problem though.

The other thing is your sons, and this might be the final straw for her: for every insult your son is receiving from her son, If bet my bottom dollar her son is getting it back too. And even if it is in self-defence, his mother will not be being told that, and I expect she assumes your son started it.

I don't think reconnecting always works well with friends. It's why I'm very cynical when people get told things like hang in there your friends will be back when their kids are older. Sometimes you can't pick up where you left off.

It sounds like between the distance and your kids falling out she's decided that this doesn't work for her anymore.

I do understand that, but it’s all the messages between us where she was excited that we would be nearby again. She wasn’t my best friend, I just want to make that clear. She was a good friend. I have also had another son with significant medical issues, that has taken up a significant amount of my time and attention. She knows this. I’m not really a texter at the best of times, but with that on top, I struggled to have the time and energy. The reason I mentioned about my husbands promotions and pay rises is is because I’m trying to understand what would possess someone to come round and be so insulting to me about our new home? I don’t think that’s normal behaviour. I just invited her in and asked her if she would like a coffee. She asked me to show her round, which I did, but she was very rude about every room. Saying things like “oh you’ll need a new carpet in here. Who in their right mind would buy a carpet like this one”, “oh it’ll be hard to sleep in here with the noise from the road”, “look at the ceiling! Why on earth have they had it painted like that” (artex). Like I said, another thing I considered was that maybe she’s going through something or having a bad day, but I wanted to mention the change in our financial circumstances because it’s one of the things that’s different now than before.

You went abroad for two years and didn't keep in touch then your sons fell out - what more is needed to explain this? To you you went on an exciting adventure and hoped everything to be the same on your return. To her you buggered off for two years with not a word and then expected to waltz back into her life and then your sons fell out which was the main basis for the friendship. She will have made other friends and moved on while you were away anyway. Also neither she nor her son sound very nice so maybe it's a good thing both friendships are over?

Its this. There is no mystery here - you drifted apart and its very obvious why.

If you dont want this to happen in future then make more effort to stay in communication with friends. It doesnt have to be every day or every week but at least some regular contact.

For what it's worth she doesn't sound like a great person. I don't know what would possess someone to go around a person's house criticising it other than meanness.

I’d guess that it’s partly due to the distance you had grown apart. She may have some jealousy around your improved circumstances/opportunities. Some people like to feel they are playing life better than everyone else. And the fall out between the boys may have been the final blow, she will have heard her son’s side only too so that coupled with the fact that she feels you are now above your station May have lead her to drop the friendship. The fact she’s unfollowed you on sm suggests your posts of your life bother her. Plus she has form for this.

i had a v close friend years ago. We saw each other several times a week, regularly holidayed together . Stayed at each others houses. She was like a sister to me, I was aware she had had big fall outs with close friends before but told myself we had an unbreakable bond. And then one day it was like a switch, we had a outing planned with our kids and another friend (her friend and unbeknown to me my replacement) We had arranged to meet outside at the entrance, I waited and then rang her to discover she was inside and they had started (theme park). All day she was distant like literally I’d speak to her and she would look away and her friend would awkwardly answer. Then a minor spate occurred between our kids and she had a right go at me. We left and later that night I got a text saying I was an awful person and she wanted nothing more to do with me.
i literally had no clue what happened but all I can think is she had a story in her head about me that wasn’t (imo) true but clearly it was to her.

Aw come on, it’s quite normal for people to move away for a while and resume friendships on their return. The friendships will drift and there has to be some mutual effort to rebond again but I’m baffled by the posters on here saying that the friend’s behaviour is justified.

It seems like you want us to say oh poor you, she’s obviously jealous. If doesnt sound like she was an old childhood friend of yours. Lots of mum friendships don’t survive the children getting older, and it sounds like this is what has happened. You’ll never know for sure why she has behaved like this and you don’t need to - it’s not going to change anything. Just accept it and move on.

It does sound like you are a little bit self-congratulatory in your first post. Along with your social media posts, I think you may have come across a bit too pleased with yourself about your change of circumstances to your friend.

Her negative manner, when you last saw each other, was her putting you down a peg or two. You have not seen each other regularly for a long time and this can also highlight differences. She has moved on.

I think it is pretty obvious why this friendship has not sustained the changes from what you have written yourself. As others have commented already friendships are like that and are rarely lifelong. I also think it is extremely common that people struggle when friendships end to accept the why because often the why is about a change in feelings in the other person rather than a specific event. It is hard for people to accept that other people don’t have those positive feelings toward them any longer. I think that is part of the grief of losing friends.

I wouldn't bother trying to analyse this any further.as soon as you moved away was the time to accept things were probably never going to be the same again.

You got on with your life as did she.

My best mate moved to the Middle East for 7 years, to a country I couldn’t travel to. Knowing we couldn’t see each other face to face I made an extra effort on the text, as I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other (also have a big family). Not being in regular contact means drift apart.

Friendships are like houseplants, you have to keep watering them.

I don’t understand why this one rude person is occupying so much of your headspace. You only talk about your husband’s dazzling professional success and not your own so maybe you could find something personally rewarding to do so that you don’t obsess about the other posh school mums. It sounds like you want to be able to be competitive about your glorious life but expect her not to be competitive back. Use this disappointment to put your energy into something more meaningful.

It’s fine to not be a texter and not have the energy to keep in contact while you’re away. But then you also have to accept that things will change a lot over two years of not being in each other’s lives and missing the changes. She might well have been excited about your return but the reality is that it’s not the same, you’ve changed, she’s changed, the kids are older and complicated and don’t get on, so you got on each others nerves. Maybe she was always the type to laugh about artex and old carpets and you didn’t notice or know her that well. Maybe you irritated her and she irritated you, as your kids differ on what they’re into now. The DS are struggling to manage the changes and so are you both, so as your DS has backed off, so has she. The friendships are in the past. The distance changed it though it might’ve changed anyway and this is just more obvious because of the break.

I say this a few times on here - if a friend is jealous of anything, ie, new house or new job, or travel then they're not a friend. Friends are happy for you no matter what and will root for you, or at least that's what they will show.

If you think it's down to travel photos, then she's not a friend. Sounds here though you guys have drifted apart and she's made a sudden stop to it. Move on, it's fine, make some new friends.

I will say though, telling people that you're rubbish at keeping in touch, too busy to text because of family does not make a person feel like they're important at all in your life. Friendship requires effort imo, same as any relationship. While may be too busy to always meet up, a 1 min text reply shouldn't be so hard to squeeze in.

Nobody can tell you. Chances are that things have changed in her life just as much as in yours and you just aren't the same people you were. You weren't in touch while you lived abroad, so you've skipped a chunk of each other's lives. You have no idea what she may have had going on.

I know you don't want to give it away but if it was somewhere like Dubai you were living in and posting all over social media about your lifestyle, a lot of people seem to find that a bit crass and declassé... I am not saying it is, but that is a common perception. She may have found that plus your lack of communication (understandable though it was) a bit off-putting.

Add to that that your sons aren't friends anymore, I think this friendship is dead in the water tbh.

I’m sure she’s eaten up with jealously about your ‘exotic’ move, social media posts and all your dosh 🙄 otherwise why would you list them all off as if they are relevant.
ORRR maybe your friendship naturally drifted apart OR maybe your massive update about your sons would lend a clue.

F

I don’t know why you miss her, she sounds awful

I'm sorry this has happened. It seems your friendship thrived under the previous dynamic but won't survive your success. Like a previous posters said, some friendships are seasonal. It's actually difficult to predict which end up going the long haul.

I think you are getting quite a hard time with these responses OP. It screams to me as if she was jealous of you! If she was jealous and talking to you like that then she is not a friend worth having around so I think you have a dodged a bullet. It does sound like she ghosted you, but ghosting is immature and cowardly so again, you have dodged a bullet with this one, I would move on!

I think negative comments come from a place of jealousy. And if her ds isn’t nice to yours it makes it difficult. I’d move on. People who aren’t happy for you are not friends.

I thought from what you said initially that she was dissing your new house over the changes you had made, and was thinking "Well I wouldn't appreciate someone making scathing remarks about my choice of decor, sod her" etc. But it sounds like she was dissing the previous owners' choices, so why are you taking umbrage at that? Still, it's quite clear she's moved on and your kids not being friends is the last gasp, she doesn't see any need to stay friends even online.

Just forget her now and focus on your other friends, this one belongs in the past only. You might never know her exact reasons why, so save your energy for your healthy friendships.