Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

The longer I spend on here, the more that rings true.

No wonder the manosphere is a thing if this place is anything to go by!

They both need to be punished. He was wrong to hit her and she went way too far to claim it was self defense.

No more roughhousing games and it sounds like they can't be trusted to be unsupervised in the garden either.

Why should she be punished? She didn't start it. Just leave it for now; it seems likely he's learnt his lesson and won't hit her again. But if he does, crack down VERY hard.

No. Not unless you want the whole world to live by those rules and walk around beating each other up left right and centre to teach valuable lessons.

How long was this going on for before a parent realised? I don't expect you to watch them constantly but surely the sound of fighting would've been heard and over a prolonged period. You know they're ridiculously competitive, but as parents do you think it's ok to just not know what they're up to for long enough for people to get covered in bruises?

What if it had been a random lad rather than her brother, would it be ok to be proud then?

That's what I said.

Why has your 9 year old daughter even got a phone? Your son should not have started the fight. Its not playfighting when someone gets hurt is it? Your kids are now big enough to do each other real harm so I'd stop minimising it as clearly its no longer play with your two is it.

Stop pretending the "manosphere" is something new and that women are the cause of it.

Stop pretending they’re not.

Well, he might….

If hitting is allowed (I assume it is given you haven’t suggested a sanction for either of them) he might hit her back after he’s gone through puberty.

that wouldn’t be good for anyone, least of all OP’s daughter.

Exactly.

This has likely made everything so much worse.

So he already feels tension that his little sister and cousin are physically faster and stronger than him. He has now also been quite badly physically hurt and absolutely humiliated. And op feels pride at dd.... wonderful 🙄

'if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down'

He's covered in cuts and bruises. That isn't not 'backing down' it is obviously physical assault.

Tell them both they have to learn to control themselves or else as a parent I'd hope you'd dish out some consequences, surely?

You’re an either a man or a woman with such ingrained misogyny that you’re utterly blind. There’s plenty of people that I may have differing view points with on this thread yet you’re the only person on here trying to blame women for men’s shortcomings. Get in the bin.

There is nothing complicated about this situation OP, you’re over thinking it. Your son was wrong to attack your daughter, your daughter was wrong to disproportionately retaliate. That’s it.

I’d have to do a safeguarding referral if I heard this at work. Sibling on sibling violence is a safeguarding concern. Yes siblings fight but being covered in bruises and struggling to walk is completely unacceptable and school will be very concerned.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the niece telling others either. That’s also a natural consequence for him.

Why would you punish him and not her? If she had hit him, and he properly beat her up, would you feel pride in him?

She should have come and told you. That would have been the right course of action. I’d be punishing them both equally and talking to them individually about violence, self defence and not taking matters into their own hands. I wouldn’t cancel the family cinema trip as it is for his birthday, unless you plan to cancel her birthday plans whenever they occur.

I’d also put an end to these strength competitions since you can see it’s a trigger and clearly impacts your son’s self esteem.

No to a cancelled cinema visit. There has to be something else.

He got what he deserved.

What has his birthday got to do with anything? She has already beaten the crap out of him so he's had his punishment. You sound proud of your daughter being violent. I would be very concerned if one of my ds beat the other up!! One is way stronger but luckily he's got enough sense to just hold the other down if they fight.

I think you are treating your son like shit just because he's a boy. If he'd been a girl you would have been livid with your dd.

He started a fight and lost, don’t dwell on the embarrassment of it but there should be consequences for both (him for starting, her for escalating!) and then work on managing the relationship between them.

Find things they enjoy doing together and encourage it. Discourage physical competition between the two of them and make sure any and all physical altercations are dealt with firmly.

This is put so much better than I was going to put it.

You should be very proud of your daughter for standing up for herself and not backing down to anyone!

Sort your son out. He needs to learn and fast that there will always be someone bigger and better than him including women.

Your son is covered in cuts and bruises and had to be carried inside, has he had medical attention?