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AIBU?

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Original poster

Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

629 replies

ForAmpleRobin · 13/03/2026 18:39

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

OP posts:
MrPickles73 · 14/03/2026 06:53

I would find a different sport for your son so he is not in direct competition.

You need to explain to all that physical violence is really terrible and if this ever happens again you will throw the book at them.

Glindaa · 14/03/2026 06:55

Chatsbots · 13/03/2026 18:42

Give it a year or two and she'll get battered by him.

Nip this in the bud now.

I came from a physically abusive family and it's never forgotten.

Exactly this!

SisSuffragette · 14/03/2026 07:02

No way, your dd took this far too far. It wasn't self defence as it wasn't proportionate, she beat him up badly and needs a consequence as much as ds does for starting it. But absolutely put a stop now to any play fighting/ competition if this is how it gets

MyDeftDuck · 14/03/2026 07:12

Give them both a stern talking to……tell them violence is not acceptable.
Send them both to self defence classes too, it will teach them discipline and help to channel any anger issues as well as keeping them physically active and fit.
As for telling family……DN is no doubt going to share this so be open and tell them yourselves.

ManyATrueWord · 14/03/2026 07:15

I think you are being unrealistic. How far do you think would have been just far enough so that she defended herself and he didn't do it again? He wouldn't have learned the lesson until he was hurt.

carconcerns · 14/03/2026 07:23

She sounds horrible. The fact that you are secretly pleased and smug that she can beat up her brother who she 'loves?' is horrifying. You need to examine your (probably not so secret) personal anti male bias which has allowed this to breed.

Yes, he was in the wrong to hit but died one slap justify being covered in cuts and bruises - and what - you didn't intervene at any point?? Poor boy.

It is even more pertinent that this was 2 against one - even if just emotionally. Whichever way you look at it there is something seriously wrong in the dynamics of your family relationships for this to happen.

I suggest you get some real parenting advice (and I don't mean on here...)

Of course you need to talk to him about improving his self esteem by finding things he's good at if not physical strength etc.

And no - absolutely don't ruin his birthday - I'm even wondering if this is just bait.

fndshalom · 14/03/2026 07:35

My children at similar ages didn’t get on at all. There were many scraps with a push or similar. However I’d have been horrified and ashamed if either of my children in their lives had hurt another person to cause cuts and bruises. They’d not been hit either at home or outside and wouldn’t have considered it normal. I’d come down hard on your DD. She needs to learn to control her temper and use her strength positively. If she was a boy I expect you’d not be writing this post

SeriaMau · 14/03/2026 07:36

springawakeningss · 13/03/2026 18:53

Tough shit to him, he won't hit her again will he?

Yes he will. And he will be older and tougher next time.
Nip it in the bud now. Both parties need reprimanding.

Abhannmor · 14/03/2026 07:48

Andouillette · 14/03/2026 01:08

I'm not even sure he started it exactly. From what OP has said it sounds like the two girls were ganging up on the boy, who eventually had enough and hit his sister. He should not have done that, of course but for his sister to then beat him up is appalling. 2 against one is never a good thing, it always leads to trouble. I experienced it myself at a similar age. My younger sister and the boy from next door used to torture me regularly and I was absolutely not allowed to retaliate, ever. In fact my DM found it much easier to assume I was lying. I was not. It only stopped when the boy's father caught them at it. Unfortunately sister dearest had realised that she could do whatever she liked and remain unpunished.
The boy grew up into a lovely, kind person. My sister did not and I am completely NC with her.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you had that horrible experience. Parents are not always the most objective in these situations. They don't see the ' lead up' or hear the verbal abuse and teasing. And of course, sometimes they don't want to. 🌺

Littlemisscapable · 14/03/2026 07:55

FakeTwix · 13/03/2026 18:52

WTAF

Why would your DS (and you) feel more concerned about your DS pride being dented by DN telling others he was beaten up by his sister than worried that your daughter is known for battering her brother to the extent he needed carrying?

This all sounds absolutely awful. I would not want any of this going on in my family. The competitiveness, the 'shame' being beaten by girls, the rough play, the retaliation.

I would be absolutely horrified if any of my dc laid hands on each other and to cause visible injury is off the scale unacceptable.

Your dd and dn can train for xc properly and appropriately, and their talents should not be something that they taunt others with. Your ds can choose to work on physical activity goals too if he likes, or accept different people are good at different things.

No one should ever hit another person, ever.

Edited

All this. What is going on in your house? None of this is good.

BlackRowan · 14/03/2026 07:55

Sorry this is the dumbest attitude ever.

make no mistake both of them feel that you are secretly pleased that she beat him up (to cuts and bruises!! WTF were you both doing??? just standing there?)

this is a terrible lesson for your DD - because one, physically she’s not stronger than him for long and also that’s not the way to stand up for yourself GENERALLY.
because there will be always someone stronger than her and eventually her overconfidence in this area will lead her to be beat up by someone else real bad.

However the fact that you are pleased means that you are also subtly sending messages that this is the way to go.

btw I’m saying this as someone who could and did beat up a boy so he’d run away crying, around the same age, it’s just a wrong flex.

diddl · 14/03/2026 07:57

She sounds horrible

Tbf so does he.

He needs to learn when to stop playing games that he isn't winning, not fight & try to subdue the one who is winning.

I'd be ashamed & disgusted with both of them.

NasiDagang · 14/03/2026 08:05

Sounds like a dysfunctional family.🙁

BlackRowan · 14/03/2026 08:06

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2026 22:44

I find the whole concept that people defending themselves need to temper their response offensive. I come to this conclusion as a victim of abuse and having watched someone be the victim of horrific abuse for many years. If a person manages to defend themselves, they should not be judged for how they do so.

i would not punish your daughter. I would punish your son. Linking it to a birthday is not related so is inappropriate. Just suspend privileges immediately now.

I would also end the play-fighting permanently.

As a victim of abuse you should know better than others that defending yourself from an abuser physically will just get a woman killed.

the way to defend yourself is not to be in a relationship with an abuser or to be able to leave early rather than having DV battles who can beat each other more.

MissyB1 · 14/03/2026 08:06

NasiDagang · 14/03/2026 08:05

Sounds like a dysfunctional family.🙁

Yes that sums up the problem.

Venturini · 14/03/2026 08:07

Where were you when this fight happened? You or another adult should have been nearby and at the very least within earshot to pull them apart as soon as it kicked off, instead of allowing your son to be beaten to a pulp.

Totally unacceptable and I would be coming down on both of them like a tonne of bricks. And taking a long hard look at your family and the kind of values, expectations and behaviour that you want to cultivate.

likelysuspect · 14/03/2026 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You're victim blaming the boy

Most posters are willfully ignoring the lead up to this which is that the 2 girls were pushing him onto and into the floor

He defended himself and hit his sister, she then battered him

He is the victim here

diddl · 14/03/2026 08:18

Most posters are willfully ignoring the lead up to this which is that the 2 girls were pushing him onto and into the floor

Is that what the game was?

I didn't get that understanding of it.

I doubt Op will be back to clarify!

ReadingCrimeFiction · 14/03/2026 08:19

You have a very strange attitude to violence. The rough housing was inappropriate. Him hitting g her was wrong. Her beating him so badly he has bruises and cuts is wrong.

But clearly they have got the message from.you that being competitive and physical wjth each other is normal. I am sorry to say that I would not be surprised if they have issues at school.

whattheysay · 14/03/2026 08:20

It sounds like more has been happening that you know about if your daughter reacted like that. Unless you think she has extreme anger issues and beats up her brother to the extent he couldn’t walk because he hit her once then more has been going on and she has snapped.

Escapetothecatshome · 14/03/2026 08:23

other people have made some great suggestions, but in the long term I would be taking both to some martial arts club. So they both learn some self control.

outofofficeagain · 14/03/2026 08:24

I can’t remember at what age but I distinctly remember a time when I switched to zero tolerance of violence frok my sons towards me. That included play fighting. It was just a no. It was probably around this age and definitely well before they were stronger than me.

If they were younger I’d be more fine with this and a certain element of learning boundaries but at this age they are both old enough to understand that it’s not acceptable

MauvePombear · 14/03/2026 08:29

ForAmpleRobin · 13/03/2026 18:39

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

You feel proud that your daughter beat up your son -staggering.

MauvePombear · 14/03/2026 08:31

ForAmpleRobin · 13/03/2026 18:47

His birthday is coming up on Friday next week so I’m just thinking of cancelling the cinema we’ve booked. Too harsh? I just don’t want it happening again.

So she beat him up- and he gets his birthday cinema booked? Why are you punishing him for her behaviour?

arlequin · 14/03/2026 08:32

Tbh I think the most concerning thing here is that your 9yo has access to a phone.
sounds like your son is struggling with managing emotions and your daughter has really hurt him