AIBU to want to tell colleague’s wife about his workplace affair?

[Berrylipshade]

Name changed for this.
I’m watching an affair play out in work. Been going on for a long time. Everyone knows. Not at all discreet. Today it was bad, cuddling, neck stroking, hands in hair, in plain sight of a few of us, and leaving for “lunch” together.
He is a horrible arrogant man. His poor wife & young kids.
I hear him telling clients about his wife and comes across as so devoted. He’s a pig.
The one he’s shagging is single, but an obnoxious flirt. The whole thing just makes me so annoyed.
i wish I could not care.
but i keep plotting to leak this to his wife.
is that wrong?

I’ll stop posting now, but thanks for all the input. X

Fuck it get on the phone & tell his Mrs everything you know; send her photos of the snuggled up together; bring all touchy feely; let her know what an absolute gobshite she’s married to ruin her life & that of her kids just so you feel better about the situation.

Mind your own fucking business it’s fuck all to do with you where he pokes his penis for all you know they might have an open marriage; she might not be able to have sex anymore so she’s happy for him to be jumpy the company slag, keep out of what’s not your story, unless you have dress of wanting to be his next conquest.

My ex cheated on me with someone at work. It went on for a year and I found out months after it had ended. I wish someone had told me!

Can I ask why you wouldn’t tell her? I’m not really clear on that. They’re making it everyone’s business so it doesn’t seem like a ‘mind your own business’ situation to me?

True 😩

There was a similar situation somewhere I worked, but both were married.
One of the team took it upon themselves to inform the wife anonymously. It played out in the workplace in a most unexpected and destructive way - too outing to elaborate, unfortunately. Accusations flying everywhere and an awful atmosphere. HR got involved and tried to foist some unreasonable and unworkable ’rules’ on us all. It was a really difficult time for the whole team and, to be honest, it was never the same afterwards.
The bloke ended up leaving, but the woman stayed on.

Please tell her.
I wish someone had told me.

If their behaviour in the office is inappropriate, then speak to HR/your manager. Presumably the same approach if any colleagues acted inappropriately.

It isn’t your role or responsibility to pass moral judgement though. Leave them to it and mind your own business.

If you can do it anonymously I would. The reason I'm saying that is because the very same thing happened to a really good friend of mine . Her husband was having an affair with his boss. The worst thing for her was all the workplace knowing and she didn't.

I wish someone had told me that my husband was cheating when he did it 2 years ago. I don’t know if the 2 people he worked with knew what he was up to when he would go off, but I always feel
odd around them now. I hate feeling like they knew and they just went along with it in an ‘all lads together’ thing and I feel like a fool in their eyes.

This. When it happened to me, and my partner was having an affair with a co worker, I felt humiliated. I also knew many of the other co workers and felt like I couldn't face them afterwards. I wish one of them had told me. The humiliation was awful.

You can't just tell people not to pass moral judgement. We are humans, it's what we do.

And if someone doesn't have the balls to get out of their existing relationship before shagging other people (or to request an open relationship) then I will very much judge them. Even more so if they do their flirting and cheating in what should be a professional environment

Having been the one who was cheated on and finding out for myself and that everyone knew. I would tell her. I felt betrayed by him and everyone of our friends who “minded their own business”

I was rung up by someone in my social group and also an HR manager came around to see me the same week as he had brought her to the work canteen.

They were thinking of sacking him but as I was not working they worried about my financial position if they did sack him. He was a lawyer in a huge firm and they moved
him to another department

He was given a furious warning.. We divorced but I still Ioved him and it took years for me to get over him and our son too who was devastated. He was four at the time.

Yep, do tell her. Anonymously if you like.
I was the last to find out when my ex husband had an affair and I would've definitely wanted to know sooner. We had two children too.
Later on I did inform someone else I knew that her husband was cheating on her. She was grateful to know.

Sounds like they want to be caught.

this happened at my former workplace, they were meeting at a park near work and everyone going for lunch could see her car and his truck.

she had had a workplace affair before and that guy got pretty incensed about it. However I believe the wife found out after I left (nothing to do with me). They pissed people off in general so there was enough angry people who had motive to ensure the Mrs found out.

Years ago it went on with several couples in a large company I worked with. They were like rabbits.

With one particularly salacious couple, two marriages ended and there was huge gossip, young marriags, fortunatelyno children involved.

She complained about the gossip at a night out some staff were out on among themselves, and HR Manager (cheeky fxxker) gathered all the WOMEN in her large department and told them to stop talking about it, that they were banned from discussing it.

A few of us got together and sent an email to the President of the company and the HR Director asking them on what basis they imagined they had a right to ban any member of staff from discussing anything they wanted outside the office in their own time.
We said we were shocked and offended at such an intrusion into OUR private lives and asked for clarification.

HR's arse were handed to them and everyone received a written apology and clarification for the unfortunate language and confusion!
Confusion my arse.
Misogynistic arse thought he could tell the little women what they could talk about.

I really wouldn't approach HR.
HR are not your friend and wouldn't hesitate to break your confidence.
If you can't do it totally anonymously, do nothing.
Gather a few photos if you can.
You never know when they could be used to drop him in it.

I would keep out of it.

You don't know what arrangements this individual has in their marriage, and there is also the considerable possibility that she is already well aware of his behaviour and that highlighting others' observation of it would make her even more embarrassed.

Equally there are spouses who know on a subconscious level but would rather stick their head in the sand, and wouldn't necessarily welcome your disclosure.

If she has young children and he is the main or only breadwinner, turning a blind eye may be serving a valuable purpose for her in terms of maintaining her home and lifestyle.

Also you still have to work with this person. How would that go down?

Anonymous would be better, but how are you going to do that? Send a grubby little note? Take pictures?

I personally wouldn't poke a nest of vipers like this.

Okay in that case you’d be better telling her anonymously. How do you plan to let her know?

Do not get involved in this. Not tour battle and really nothing to do with you.

Dont interfere in other people's lives...Who put you in charge?

As someone who has been in the wife's position, I would say tell her if you can. My ex husband's affair ended in the other woman getting pregnant. Let's just say it's all been very painful and very messy for many people.

Do it anonymously.
His wife is being deceived big time.
Typed notice from a friend's computer

Please tell her! As someone who was finally told about my DH affair by a friend, long after everyone knew and no one told me, I will always be eternally grateful to her. Do it anonymously BUT give her the information - tell her the name and details of the affair partner, any other info you know about their dates, time and location etc so that she has enough info to verify things for herself if she wants to.

Don’t just send her something vague that she can’t be sure of or something she might end up confronting him with but has no evidence and he lies his way out of it.

Never understood the whole “they could be in an open relationship” - yeah they might be and if so the wife won’t be upset to be told and you’ve lost nothing!

Of course it's not about me, but we are all giving our opinions, and saying what we would prefer. I also said why I would want to know (ducks etc, as well as not being made a fool of any longer).

And the vast majority of posters would want to know.

Obviously we cannot know what the cheater's wife would want, but on the balance of probabilities we can say that it's more likely that she would want to be told than not.