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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel there is no karma after seeing abusive ex thriving?

107 replies

Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 05:31

AIBU?

A suggested friend popped up on my social media - I clicked it and realised her profile picture was at her own wedding married to a guy who I used to date. I did not date him for very long and I was traumatised by him. He was abusive towards me and sexually assaulted me - I ended up needing a TOP and I was quite literally left in the gutter by him. I managed to get myself sorted with therapy and counselling, the local NHS services helped me too and I decided not to persue further charges due to the ongoing impact it would have. I have never in my life been treated with such utter contempt by another human being.

I have no idea how she would come up as a ‘suggested friend’.

This opened a can of worms with me looking at both his public profile and hers, they have a BEAUTIFUL 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house and a gorgeous little boy. His wife looks stunning and kind. I could not help to think where is the Karma in this? Where is the justice for how he treated me? His profile picture is the family on holiday looking glowing and tanned and him proudly holding up his child.

It just really gets me down that bad men in this world appear to still go on to have great lives no matter how awfully they have been to woman.

I have seen similar patterns with exes and friends of exes.

Anyway - it will take me a few days to process qnd obviously I will get over it. Social media allows us access to peoples lives where the door should firmly be shut and I still have no idea why she would come up suggested but AIBU to feel there really is no such thing as Karma?

OP posts:
Springisspringingnow · 12/03/2026 05:41

You are seeing the picture they want to present to the world. You have no idea of what the reality is. You are just seeing the facade.

My view of social media is that those who are truly happy and living fulfilled lives don't need to post pictures of themselves for public consumption because they are too busy just living and getting on with their lives.

I'm so sorry this man treated you so dreadfully. I doubt someone who could behave so badly will really have changed.

Original poster
Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 05:46

Springisspringingnow · 12/03/2026 05:41

You are seeing the picture they want to present to the world. You have no idea of what the reality is. You are just seeing the facade.

My view of social media is that those who are truly happy and living fulfilled lives don't need to post pictures of themselves for public consumption because they are too busy just living and getting on with their lives.

I'm so sorry this man treated you so dreadfully. I doubt someone who could behave so badly will really have changed.

Edited

I suppose that is true - I have not posted about my own marriage etc and neither has my husband.

OP posts:
Tonissister · 12/03/2026 05:47

I agree with Pp. This is a curated version of their 'perfect' life. They could be deeply in debt to afford it. Lots of image conscious people are.

He is no doubt abusive to his wife. Men like that don't change. You don't want a gorgeous 5 bed house if it means sharing it with him. You are free. That's priceless.

SerenityScout · 12/03/2026 05:55

No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s completely normal to wonder where the karma is when someone who hurt you so badly seems to be living a perfect life. The truth is karma doesn’t always show up in ways we can see, and social media only shows the highlight reel of people’s lives.

Your feelings are completely valid, and being shaken by something like that is understandable.

Original poster
Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 06:01

SerenityScout · 12/03/2026 05:55

No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s completely normal to wonder where the karma is when someone who hurt you so badly seems to be living a perfect life. The truth is karma doesn’t always show up in ways we can see, and social media only shows the highlight reel of people’s lives.

Your feelings are completely valid, and being shaken by something like that is understandable.

I am more shaken as to my innocent clicking of her name as I had no idea who she was and seeing who was in her profile picture!

How on earth can social media do that?

OP posts:
Monsterslam · 12/03/2026 06:02

Maybe he or she has been looking you up op. Sounds all style and no substance to me.

PersephonePomegranate · 12/03/2026 06:03

YABVU.

You're talking about material things here, this tells you nothing about their lives. This is literally a snapshot.

Also unreasonable to talk about 'karna'. Even if such a thing existed, do you think it works to a timeline agreeable to you?! I think what tends to happen, is that eventually people's luck runs out rather than some cosmic force decides it's payback time. So one day, he'll do something to his wife - or another woman - that makes her think 'enough'. Whether that's a month, a year, or a decade away away is nothing to do with you.

CamillaMcCauley · 12/03/2026 06:06

My football-mad abusive ex has a pic of himself looking like a grinning dad of the year to his two young kids who are wearing his favourite team’s football kit.

His kids are tweens now and tolerate him at best, hate football and never put on a football shirt again since the day he made them do it for that photo.

Social media isn’t real life.

sellingrocks · 12/03/2026 06:19

The thing is the opportunity for him to get what he deserved was when you could have had him prosecuted for what he did - you chose not to and that’s totally your choice - and have left it to fate and karma (or another victim) for him to get his comeuppance

life can be very cruel and unfair and it’s quite often the bastards in life who sail through it unscathed.

I highly doubt he has changed so the photo on social media is a shot in time of what this couple want everyone to think

Trevordidit · 12/03/2026 06:19

You can't believe social media.

But also, there really is no such thing as karma. Good things happen to bad people, sadly.

RhaenysRocks · 12/03/2026 06:22

Trevordidit · 12/03/2026 06:19

You can't believe social media.

But also, there really is no such thing as karma. Good things happen to bad people, sadly.

This. Karma in the sense that its usually used is total nonsense. There is no cosmic force keeping score for us in the way people so confidently assert. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life, how to react to things, how to move on.

Original poster
Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 06:25

Perhaps I deep down regret not having kicked off more and having proceedings into prosecution done. I wish I had been brave enough to go through with it. I know my friend reported him when they seen him on dating apps to get him removed but he would just make a new profile.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 12/03/2026 07:01

I would stop wasting headspace on this person. You aren't responsible for him.or his future actions. Focus on where you are at and on creating the life you want.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 12/03/2026 07:03

Trevordidit · 12/03/2026 06:19

You can't believe social media.

But also, there really is no such thing as karma. Good things happen to bad people, sadly.

Exactly, and bad things happen to good people.

Wildgoat · 12/03/2026 07:08

Are you sure you haven’t looked at his profile, if you had she’d have come up

stapletonsguitar · 12/03/2026 07:09

What’s on Facebook doesn’t always relate to what’s real.

I know someone who’s in the most toxic relationship you could ever imagine. They have violent arguments (both aggressive to each other), they’re both alcoholics, and are vile to each other behind closed doors. Their Facebook profiles are absurd - always gushing about how much they love each other and they’re each other’s soulmate, yet nobody who knows them well would be at all surprised if one of them ends up dead. Sounds extreme but that’s how bad it is.

AfternoonRitual · 12/03/2026 07:12

Firstly, "karma" doesnt exist. What happens is that we suffer the consequences of our own actions. So, if you are a dick to all your partners they will all eventually leave you etc

Secondly, dont mistake a fancy curated social media for genuine happiness. I personally know someone in an abusive marriage who had to flee to a safe house and ended up going back to him after he punched her repeatedly in the face. Her social media is chock full of their glamorous Caribbean wedding on the beach with candles and rose petals and them gazing at each other lovingly.

All the comments are things like "you look sooo happy, what a beautiful wedding" etc If I didnt know her well I could easily look at those photos and be envious of their life. But in reality its very sad and I am very concerned for her.

There is no point dwelling on this, let it go and move on, well done for moving on with your life with such courage x

Original poster
Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 07:37

Wildgoat · 12/03/2026 07:08

Are you sure you haven’t looked at his profile, if you had she’d have come up

100% sure

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 12/03/2026 07:42

The suggested link is probably akin to the "6 degrees of Kevin Costner" idea (i.e. a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend etc), or if you still have his email address or phone number in your contacts, and have allowed the social media platform access to those.
His/her profile, house etc is probably both literally and metaphorically papering over the cracks.

readforpleasure · 12/03/2026 08:08

Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 06:25

Perhaps I deep down regret not having kicked off more and having proceedings into prosecution done. I wish I had been brave enough to go through with it. I know my friend reported him when they seen him on dating apps to get him removed but he would just make a new profile.

He’s still the twisted f**k he always was. All the material goods and wonderful SM pics do not change that.

You should be thinking - his poor wife when you see his posed photos and that’s all. Move on!

Pepperedpickles · 12/03/2026 08:13

Yabu to think there is such a thing as karma. There isn’t, otherwise good people wouldn’t get cancer, children wouldn’t die young, etc etc. Life is just unfair. My abusive ex is remarried and living in the USA, married to someone fairly high profile who earns so much he never needs to work again. They have several properties and go on bucket list holidays every couple of months. I left him 20 years ago when dd was 6 months old, he has never paid what he’s supposed to and still thinks he’s the worlds most amazing dad despite barely seeing her - and wonders why she never wants to visit him. I have a good life and I’m happily married (16 years) but if karma was real my ex would be either in prison or penniless.

TulipsLilacs · 12/03/2026 08:14

I think this demonstrates that the lives people portray on social media are not always what they seem. Abusers and sexual attackers like this man don't suddenly become ideal husbands and parents. His poor family. A luxury lifestyle won't make up for living with an abuser.

Original poster
Toadsandwarts9 · 12/03/2026 08:25

TulipsLilacs · 12/03/2026 08:14

I think this demonstrates that the lives people portray on social media are not always what they seem. Abusers and sexual attackers like this man don't suddenly become ideal husbands and parents. His poor family. A luxury lifestyle won't make up for living with an abuser.

It drives me dizzy though to see him with someone who looks so normal and nice with such a nice family - it makes me think I got I got it wrong or over reacted to him. Maybe I was never SA’d. And perhaps I was the problem? I suppose that is how so many men get away with it.

OP posts:
AfternoonRitual · 12/03/2026 08:28

looks so normal and nice

Ted Bundy was by all accounts, nice looking and charismatic.

"But he seemed so nice and normal!" is the classic refrain of people who find out that they've been living next door to a serial killer for years who has a basement full of body parts.

Looking nice and normal and being nice and normal are entirely different things.

Buzzybee0 · 12/03/2026 08:29

sellingrocks · 12/03/2026 06:19

The thing is the opportunity for him to get what he deserved was when you could have had him prosecuted for what he did - you chose not to and that’s totally your choice - and have left it to fate and karma (or another victim) for him to get his comeuppance

life can be very cruel and unfair and it’s quite often the bastards in life who sail through it unscathed.

I highly doubt he has changed so the photo on social media is a shot in time of what this couple want everyone to think

Oh please 🙄 The conviction rate is 1.5%. You actually think he was going to jail?! Very naive.