AIBU to feel there is no karma after seeing abusive ex thriving?

[Toadsandwarts9]

AIBU?

A suggested friend popped up on my social media - I clicked it and realised her profile picture was at her own wedding married to a guy who I used to date. I did not date him for very long and I was traumatised by him. He was abusive towards me and sexually assaulted me - I ended up needing a TOP and I was quite literally left in the gutter by him. I managed to get myself sorted with therapy and counselling, the local NHS services helped me too and I decided not to persue further charges due to the ongoing impact it would have. I have never in my life been treated with such utter contempt by another human being.

I have no idea how she would come up as a ‘suggested friend’.

This opened a can of worms with me looking at both his public profile and hers, they have a BEAUTIFUL 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house and a gorgeous little boy. His wife looks stunning and kind. I could not help to think where is the Karma in this? Where is the justice for how he treated me? His profile picture is the family on holiday looking glowing and tanned and him proudly holding up his child.

It just really gets me down that bad men in this world appear to still go on to have great lives no matter how awfully they have been to woman.

I have seen similar patterns with exes and friends of exes.

Anyway - it will take me a few days to process qnd obviously I will get over it. Social media allows us access to peoples lives where the door should firmly be shut and I still have no idea why she would come up suggested but AIBU to feel there really is no such thing as Karma?

Different relationships have different dynamics. I’ve seen this first hand. You don’t know if he’s abusive to her.

I too don’t believe in karma. But I do know that abusers do not change. He will still be the piece of shit he always was. They just get better at hiding it for a while. But that mask can’t stay on forever and he will show his true colours.

my very charming but secretly abusive ex told everyone when we split (I fled with our dc) that I’d run off with another man, that I’d been violent throughout our relationship and he even doubted the paternity of our dc. I kept quiet. Those who truly knew me didn’t listen.
time has a way of showing lies for what they are I feel. Because while he’s about to marry his fourth wife I’ve been with my dh for over twenty years. Says it all really doesn’t it.

block and try to put him out of your mind. You don’t deserve to have to see his ugly mug xx

Did you actually believe in karma until you saw your ex doing just fine? Really?

Great post.
Fully agree.
👍

I agree,

"facebook" should be called "fakebook" IMO, that's why I'm not on it anymore.

If you ex was abusive, trust me, he won't have changed. Abusive men don't change unless they get therapy and they are usually reluctant to do that because they can't admit they have a problem.

Be glad you're not with him any more and just feel sorry for her.

Hi OP, I've dated guys who have been a bit of a prick to me when young, but no physical, sexual abuse or name-calling.

Some of them are now happily married and it's possible that they were just bravado fuelled young men who've grown up but you are describing actual abuse here and it's at such an extreme level I doubt he's changed at all.

There's still time for him to get his karma.

This was sadly my thinking too - and as I was ‘In a relationship’ with him I thought I would have no chance. He was also a high profile professional earning three figures, I just felt like I did not have a chance. His word against mines.

Yes the CPS are basically completely uninterested when it comes to accusations like this which is awful, they push forward in cases such as if you’re walking home and a stranger attacks you, as in their minds a woman isn’t going to consent to sex with a random stranger in a public place etc. That’s the only time I’d go to the Polce as otherwise they really aren’t good with domestic abuse situations.

there is no such thing as karma, the end, also how do you know hes not abusing her? abuse is abuse even if its happening in a 5 bedroom house

I read on Mumsnet
Don’t compare your life with someone else’s showreel.”
But I’m not sure Karma exists.

If karma existed, the world would look very different.

Karma usually comes along eventually. I had a similar experience with a complete cunt of a man when I was only just 17. Was completely naive and had known only love and kindness. What he did to me was brutal. Fast forward over 40 years and I discovered quite by chance that something happened that he’ll never recover from.

Karma exists, but not as people in the west understand it. I don’t think that’s what your post is really about though. I’m so sorry for what you went through, and while they have a beautiful looking life, that woman probably has been through things behind the scenes.

This OP!

Life doesn’t work like that.

Good and bad happens to people whatever they do or are.

I agree.

I only ever got involved with two men who were abusive (one physically and one verbally).
I walked out on the first and divorced the second.

35 years later, the amount of misfortunes suffered by the pair of them would fill a small novel.
I believe that there is Karma in the sense of "you reap what you sow". But the Karma Bus - if it exists, doesn't run to your timetable, but gets there in the end.

Live the best life you can in the meantime.

The best revenge is living well.

I voted YBU for the simple reason that you are letting him live rent free in your head. Be thankful you got rid of him instead x

Amen to that

I'm sure the reality is very different to the glossy social media portrayal.

Karma is bollocks, yes.

You are right that there is no such thing as Karma, in the sense of some great cosmic balance that brings bad people to justice.

The world is full of arseholes who exploit or abuse others and never face repercussions for it.

I do think there is some element of natural justice in that people who mistreat and abuse others never truly know the real joy and intimacy of fully trusting and loving other people, and being trusted and loved in return. They may not face a reckoning for their behaviour, but they're forever cut off from the best that human relationships have to offer.

I also think that most humans have the capacity for personal growth and character change. Your ex may have become a genuinely better person, who now treats others well. This would not remotely excuse or redeem him for what he did to you, but it is possible he would no longer behave that way and has found meaningful love as a result.

I think you're right that the best way forward is to close the door on the past. You're an incredible survivor who has shown amazing resilience and built yourself back up after serious trauma. What your ex is doing now has nothing to do with the life you've created for yourself. He doesn't deserve a moment more space in your head.

I'm sorry for your terrible experience, but YABU for believing in karma! You need only look around you for a second to see that some of the most heinous individuals are sometimes extremely lucky in life.

I don’t think Karma is what you think it is.
It’s far more spiritual and long reaching than that.
You can only control your actions and feelings. Maybe his new wife is being abused who knows. Maybe she too has chosen to not press charges.
I do know of people who write so much crap on fb. Singing the praises of their wonderful dh. The same wonderful dh who has cheated on them multiple times. It’s quite delusional but each to their own.

I agree there is no real karma all you can do is try to live your best life, and live as happily as you can. I hate those phrases but they are apt - even though I struggle with it myself!

the thing about believing karma is that your believing people deserve the bad shit that happens to them too. And we all know really good people that have been dealt shit hands in life. Did you deserve the treatment he gave you? No absolutely not, yet he still put you through it. What I went through (and I’m imagining yours was similar) is like a cancer and all consuming if I let it be. I can’t let it, he doesn’t deserve to affect me or my family anymore than he has.

She’s come up as a suggested friend as she’s been looking at your profile. Happy married people don’t search for their husbands exes on fb.