To be seriously considering finally cutting my mum out of my life?

[MotherIssues21]

My mum has never been great, my whole entire life. She is one of these mums where you had a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, nice presents for special occasions - but that’s as far as it went. There was never any actual nurturing, I don’t remember my mum ever telling me she loved me, hugging me, meeting any of my emotional needs as a child. She is only in her 50’s, so not of that older generation really either.

The last decade or so hasn’t been easy for me - a baby loss, domestic violence, severe health issues that still affect me now on a daily basis, having a child with quite moderate autism and needing a lot of support and doing it all on my own because dad isn’t allowed contact because of the abuse.

My mum has always had the opinion “well I struggled, raised kids on my own, had health issues, so my kids have to struggle the same if not more”. I have had a lot of health things going on since January this year, along with my daughter having a really hard time, and I’m nearly at breaking point. My mum - despite living 10 minutes away - hasn’t offered to help us at all, not once in that whole entire time. I rarely ask because even if my mum does agree, she makes it very clear it’s a burden to her and I never want my daughter to pick up on that (oh nanny is just looking after me because she feels she has to, not because she wants to).

I understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren, but as time goes on, I’m just really struggling to understand my mum’s mentality of watching your children struggle and be okay with that because you have your “own life to live”. She never has any sympathy for anything her own family are going through, but if her friends were experiencing the same, she would drop everything to help them in a heartbeat.

I think all of it combined - childhood things that are coming up in therapy, her attitude now in terms of helping out - is just building up so much to the point where I resent her. There is no point talking to her because she automatically starts crying, puts on the you’re calling me a bad mum act and then tells everyone how awful you are.

I really am considering pretty much not having a relationship with her - letting her still see my daughter when it suits us, not her - but other than that, not having much to do with her.

AIBU?

Exhausted or not, you help your adult child with her parenting, especially when said adult child has health issues and is doing it alone. A break from the grind, a comforting ear etc... Her adult child will one day become the grandparent and she'll do the same for her child and so on...

What goes around comes around remember. One day the 50 yo will be elderly and her adult child will resent her so much for not helping her through her most difficult years that she shut'll herself off from her mother's difficult elderly years and enjoy her own 50s or 60s.

As I said previously you reap what you sow.

So all parents are expected to do two job lots of parenting? Plus work full time?

We don't know the OP will help her DD. She thinks she will.

It's not parenting, just helping out. A show of care and support. Providing motherly love that's all.

Most people will help out their adult children in any situation especially with their children, so there's no reason to think that OP won't. Also, as she's experienced this awfulness she'll know exactly what help and support her own child will need from her.

I absolutely hate selfish people and walking away from your adult children is just plain selfish.

Many people with small kids think they will be great, involved GPs. Then the teen years and YA years hit! And oestrogen- the caring hormone- leaves us in menopause.
It's easy to say, not so easy to do.

My step-mum is the same when it comes to having zero sympathy for anyone in her own family but would do anything to help her friends/acquaintances/even people she barely knows. Consequently everyone except her family think she’s an absolute saint. Such a kind soul who would help anybody. It’s bollocks. It’s all about image and how she wants people to see her. In reality she’s judgemental (she’ll help people then bitch about them and tell everyone the private details of why they needed help after), critical and has never shown the slightest bit of warmth or affection to her own kids. Not sure what you should do OP, but if continuing a relationship with her is seriously negatively affecting your mental health I would consider going very LC or NC, I don’t think you’re BU

I think there is far too much therapy-speak and navel gazing going on. Parents are not perfect; they generally do their best in the circumstances. You talk about feeling ‘validated’ by others’ responses on this thread. I think it’s a very 21st century idea that you had to have an emotionally supportive and fulfilling childhood. Most of our ancestors didn’t have the luxury; it was a case of trying to keep a roof over their heads and their children alive.

Exactly this. I’d help my child in a heartbeat if they needed it but when you’re older, in a demanding and tiring full time job, I think anyone might be reluctant to give as much help as the OP thinks she should get to a child that doesn’t work.
We don’t all have the relationship with our mother that we might want and nor do we all get the childhood we feel we should have. Our parents aren’t perfect and will make parenting mistakes, as will we.
Not every one can be as affectionate as they OP might have felt she wanted but her mother met her physical needs well it seems.
It would feel an over reaction to cut her mother off because she can’t provide the support she would like.
OP maybe your mother is as exhausted as you are and has nothing left energy wise to give you.

I'm at the stage you mention. 1 teenager, 1 young adult and I'm going through peri-menopause. No I will never stop caring from my children and their needs.

I hope to god, I have a break before they bring children home but I know I will adore their children as much as I adore them.

We didn't have support from my family or in-laws, far too busy having their own lives so I know what my children need from us and I'll happily give it to them, even if working full time. I brought them into the world, I'm not going to abandon them during the hardest years of their lives.

I think there’s a huge difference between blaming your mother for not being ‘perfect’ or getting everything right and how the OP’s mum behaved throughout her childhood. Not ever showing your child any kind of affection is emotional neglect and can cause a lasting impact on a person. There’s also a difference between not being able to help out cos she works full-time & is exhausted but being sympathetic, listening when her dd needs to talk, and providing support in other ways, and showing zero empathy for her situation or interest in her GC

Even our ancestors and mothers around the world living in the poorest conditions, usually manage to show their children love and affection. It’s got nothing to do with how much money you have

Is it? My mum did the second of what you mention- she's very interested and sympathetic- but I come from a hard scrabble immigrant culture where we don't use the words " I love you"or hug a lot. Love is expressed in other ways: cooking healthy delicious meals, helping to educate children to their utmost ability, helping with homework, not charging rent! I do the same for my kids but don't often use the word " love". Maybe that's neglect.

I would be creeped out if my mum doled out hugs and words of love!

It goes even further than showing zero empathy. The mother in fact thinks her daughter should struggle as she had to.

OP's mother has completely checked out!

OP, do you get any money from your X?

This in a nutshell!

Why do you feel the need for validation of strangers @MotherIssues21?

Why aren't you taking on the advice/feedback/point of view from those who don't agree with you and are questioning you? Is that because we don't validate you?

You're not working. Your mum is.

Do you ever think of taking your mum out at weekend?

So, your mum struggled when she was younger... with no help...
and now she's actually got the time to live her own life and you're pissed she's not there to keep on being a drudge and taking over your responsibilities?

TBF that's a hard job, she might not have any extra energy to help out with your child.

This.

All we know is that the OP "thinks" her mother thinks that. She declined to answer the question whether her mother actually said that to her at least twice on this thread. I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

you are indeed lucky .. your Mum sounds fab ! OP’s Mum does sweet F A..,she’s not even getting a sympathetic ear let alone any practical help.

This is really good advice. I have had these issues in my family and I've noticed a few things:

• when we're in therapy, we can see what should have happened in the past but I don't think that we should apply today's knowledge to the past - many women had very limited options previously and were really quite trapped and told to 'get on with it' with little support themselves. I'm quite shocked by the things my older aunts tell me about their marriages and lives.
• how about writing her a letter about how you feel- you don't have to send it but if you do then she can read it at her leisure. Obviously that will only work if she's open to hearing from you too.
• I also agree that maybe looking after an autistic child may be too much for her when she is 'off duty'.

I hope that you manage to get some support.

Her mum doesn't have time, she is a 50 something woman that works full time, runs a home and is no doubt dealing with the menopause. The poor woman must be knackered every weekend.

I missed she was still working… ffs.. poor woman.

Seriously writing a letter to your parents, following therapy?

Does anyone nowadays not go to therapy??

She probably says ‘well I had to struggle too’ when OP is trying to get her to help.

My mother always said ‘well I never had anyone helping me’ when I used to complain about the lack of interest from the in-laws. I never held my mum accountable for not helping out though as she had mobility issues - albeit self-inflicted due to weight -, however, I did point out that she used to share holidays with her sister, whereby I would go there one holiday and then my cousins to my mum the next. I also pointed out the summer holidays were spent in Ireland and her 10 siblings pitched-in, plus grandparents cooked tiresomely for us all, and I had 26 cousins to play with. She infact had plenty of help!

The ‘village’ doesn’t seem to be there anymore. The boomers got all the help but it doesn’t seem to have filtered down for many of us. B4 you call me ageist - I’m not - and I’m aware not all boomers are like this, just the selfish ones!

What's with all the 'poor woman working full time in her 50s' bullshit? Most people in their 50s work full time. I'm not so far off 50 myself, it's not elderly.

And all the people accusing the OP of wanting her mother to 'take on her responsibilities', 'do two lots of parenting', 'take over the drudgery' - the OP has said she would like help the odd time, like a couple of times a month - that might be picking them up from after school club so OP can attend an appointment, or offering a lift somewhere for all you know. Where does the OP say, 'I'd like my mother to parent my children'? She doesn't. She talks about a lack of affection, lack of sympathy, lack of support - to the extent that the OP has felt the need to explore this in therapy (and yes to that other posters, plenty of people, most in fact, don't go to therapy. So feeling the need to is definitely an indicator or something going on there).

No sympathy or support for your adult child who has been through babyloss, domestic violence, ongoing health issues and single parenting an SEN child and you're all like 'well yeah but this woman is OVER 50 and HAS A JOB'. Give over. You know that's not normal. You're either just so committed to the devil's advocate bit you can't help yourself sticking the boot into a struggling OP, or you actually believe this stuff in real life in which case I feel sorry for any children you may have who may have hoped to have continued a mutually supportive relationship with you - you know like most families manage to.