To be seriously considering finally cutting my mum out of my life?

[MotherIssues21]

My mum has never been great, my whole entire life. She is one of these mums where you had a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, nice presents for special occasions - but that’s as far as it went. There was never any actual nurturing, I don’t remember my mum ever telling me she loved me, hugging me, meeting any of my emotional needs as a child. She is only in her 50’s, so not of that older generation really either.

The last decade or so hasn’t been easy for me - a baby loss, domestic violence, severe health issues that still affect me now on a daily basis, having a child with quite moderate autism and needing a lot of support and doing it all on my own because dad isn’t allowed contact because of the abuse.

My mum has always had the opinion “well I struggled, raised kids on my own, had health issues, so my kids have to struggle the same if not more”. I have had a lot of health things going on since January this year, along with my daughter having a really hard time, and I’m nearly at breaking point. My mum - despite living 10 minutes away - hasn’t offered to help us at all, not once in that whole entire time. I rarely ask because even if my mum does agree, she makes it very clear it’s a burden to her and I never want my daughter to pick up on that (oh nanny is just looking after me because she feels she has to, not because she wants to).

I understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren, but as time goes on, I’m just really struggling to understand my mum’s mentality of watching your children struggle and be okay with that because you have your “own life to live”. She never has any sympathy for anything her own family are going through, but if her friends were experiencing the same, she would drop everything to help them in a heartbeat.

I think all of it combined - childhood things that are coming up in therapy, her attitude now in terms of helping out - is just building up so much to the point where I resent her. There is no point talking to her because she automatically starts crying, puts on the you’re calling me a bad mum act and then tells everyone how awful you are.

I really am considering pretty much not having a relationship with her - letting her still see my daughter when it suits us, not her - but other than that, not having much to do with her.

AIBU?

OP, you say you “understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren”, yet it seems this is the reason you want to go LC with your DM. There’s a massive difference between helping a friend your own age, and looking after young children. The fact that your DD is autistic might make a difference - perhaps she thinks she wouldn’t cope with her? It is a big responsibility looking after someone else’s children - perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable doing it by herself. She certainly wouldn’t be the first grandmother who wanted to see her DGC but together with her own daughter rather than by herself. Whatever your DM did when bringing you up, I’m sure she did her best - hindsight is a wonderful thing! It can’t have been easy for her, having an abusive husband. I think it would be better for you to lower your expectations - if for whatever reason, your DM is not comfortable looking after your DD, then don’t expect her to. You only get one mother, and while you can cut down on seeing her, your DD has a right to a relationship with her grandmother, and as far as I can see, your DM hasn’t actually done anything terrible. Some people don’t tell their children they love them - they take for granted that you know that, so they don’t need to say it. It’s very easy to blame a parent, but it’s not always fair to do so.

It does sound like you desperately need more support. Have you got any other routes to get any? Other parents with children with extra needs for eg? Is the school any good? Your GP?

It does sound as if letting go of expectations for your mum, though disappointing in itself, might help you.

She works in a school - with autistic children. I had the abusive husband, not her. It’s her attitude of I struggled, my kids should struggle more, I had no help so my kids should have even less that I struggle with more than anything.

Where did it say her mum had an abusive husband?

OP, I can relate to a lot of this (although also very different situation). But I will say maybe while you're addressing these issues in therapy then having less contact might be a good idea. But try not to make any hasty decisions x

You say “understand that its not grandparents duty” but thats your entire reason to cut her off so you don’t understand the reasoning.
maybe she feels she cannot cope with an autistic child, its not for the faint hearted lets be honest I have two autistic children with various other needs and my mum wouldn’t cope longer than a few hours.
Have you reached out to social services? Theu have a disability side.

I'm sorry op it can't be easy knowing that your mum is willing to see you struggle because she did. We are supposed to want better for our children than we had.
I hope you find peace with whatever you decide. Do you have friends who can give you a bit of support?

The school is good, it’s just my own health issues tied in with it all too at the moment rather than my daughter, but obviously having a bit of a break would help me start to get better, even if it was a decent sleep here and there

To be fair, I have been addressing it in therapy for quite a while, I think it’s just a decision that has been slowly building

My mum works with autistic children on a daily basis

It is hard, because as a parent myself, I just cannot understand that mentality and unfortunately not really, having a chronic illness - for me - makes it hard to maintain those friendships because I just don’t have the time or energy

You can do whatever you like, OP. You don't need to justify it, nor get permission from other people.

Rather than "finally cutting her out" I'd just be more boundaried about the time you do spend with her, and adjust your expectations of what she's able to give to the relationship. The support you need and want isn't coming from that quarter, so where is it going to come from? Put your energy there, and in building up some friendships in any small ways you can think of.

Coming to terms with it in therapy is something that you sound like you're already doing, I'd be managing it for now, rather than anything final straw.

I'm sorry OP it sounds like you're having a very difficult time. It's ok to be disappointed that your mum doesn't want to help out more but can you try and see it from her point of view? She's struggled and worked hard to bring up her children - maybe she now feels its finally her time and wants to put herself first now and enjoy her free time. She's also working and I can tell you, in your 50s, you feel so much more tired by the end of the day, she probably just wants to come home and collapse.

It's of course completely up to you how much contact you have with her. I see so much on here about people going no contact with parents because they don't live up to expectations of being super involved grandparents and not being willing to sacrifice their free time to looking after children. And I just think, they've often worked hard all their life, brought up their children and now want to have time for themselves which I don't think is unreasonable.

Do you work?
What health issues have you got?

Usually parents want better for their children than they had it, so it’s fairly odd that she wants you to have to struggle like she did, if not more.

It doesn’t sound as though she enjoyed parenting, and feels resentment from it and because she went through difficulties why the hell shouldn’t every other parent have to.

It may not be personal to you. But yes, it’s very disappointing that you don’t have your mother’s support. It’s hurtful too. But, she doesn’t want to do it and that’s it. You can’t make her help you and will going LC help you get over it, probably not, it’ll just make you sad that you know longer speak to your mum.

You’ll just have to get on with what you’ve got.

In a few years time your DM will wonder why her DGC doesn’t spend anytime with her, or not bothered about popping round to see her, infact doesn’t visit at all, and that’s because your DM failed to build that relationship. You reap what you sow.

Then imagine how hard it is working with autistic children all day every day and then going home to look after another autistic child. This is probably her reasoning.
If you don’t want a relationship with her you don’t need anyone’s permission but it’s not a grandparents role to look after their grandchildren, it would be nice if they did but we don’t live in a fairytale unfortunately.
Really suggest you reach out to social services to look at respite.

I don’t work, but I have several health conditions - an autoimmune disease, two gynaecology diseases and a gastrointestinal disease - so I have a lot of blood tests (every 2 weeks), hospital appointments, etc (usually a couple every week at the moment) so I don’t have a lot of time in the day to actually have a break as such

Ddo you think that she's maybe overloaded herself spending all day with sen children and then doesn't have the mental energy to also solo parent your autistic dd for you aswell

I had a similar situation to you, my entire life. So I totally understand how you feel, and empathise with your situation.

its not so much going no contact because she’s not helpful, it’s being no contact but the last bit you could ever possibly need or want from her is not available, along with everything else how a typical mother would be there for their child. As a result, no positive memories, no emotional support, no empathy, no care giving for your children, what’s left? Very little to try and muster a relationship. Why bother? If it just upsets you.

No judgement on leaving the relationship, if you feel you’ll be happier without her around you.

You have hit the nail on the head there - I think that’s exactly how she feels. To be honest, she really doesn’t bring much to my life, so I won’t be sad not having the contact I do with her now and when she’s older I already know now I won’t be on hand to help her with anything!

If helping out a couple of times a month is “solo parenting” then that sounds like a dream!

You have put into words exactly what I have been unable to - it’s the bigger picture of her as a parent in general - thank you for that, it’s made me feel really validated

My partner is going through this with his mum. We live in the same town and big family. After she started bullying my 10yo daughter (not my dp’s) and just blocking us totally (whilst we were going through a year of hell whereby I was diagnosed with cancer and we almost lost the house, she was then slagging us off to family saying that we are horrible to her.

I cannot forget what’s she’s done to myself but especially my daughter but I said I’m more than happy to be civil but will avoid at all costs.

his childhood was tricky and she favours her (useless overgrown child) son. Example…. Christmas she did beef, she bought another entire beef joint for the brother because he likes it cooked a certain way then moaned at the cost of feeding everyone! My partners childhood wasn’t easy due to her coldness.

he’s considering counselling but is scared of what it will bring up.

I’ll support him in what he chooses to do but I won’t have that toxic ness in mine or my daughter’s life. Cancer opens your eyes to what’s important and she doesn’t make the cut!

I mean this kindly, OP, you're not working, your mum is.

She probably doesn't have the energy at weekend if she has been working full time.

I am sorry, I know you're doing it as a single parent and have health issues.

My mum is the same. Im fairly low contact with her. She can also, but not always, be very spiteful and hurtful. It's just easier to keep my distance.