To be seriously considering finally cutting my mum out of my life?

[MotherIssues21]

My mum has never been great, my whole entire life. She is one of these mums where you had a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, nice presents for special occasions - but that’s as far as it went. There was never any actual nurturing, I don’t remember my mum ever telling me she loved me, hugging me, meeting any of my emotional needs as a child. She is only in her 50’s, so not of that older generation really either.

The last decade or so hasn’t been easy for me - a baby loss, domestic violence, severe health issues that still affect me now on a daily basis, having a child with quite moderate autism and needing a lot of support and doing it all on my own because dad isn’t allowed contact because of the abuse.

My mum has always had the opinion “well I struggled, raised kids on my own, had health issues, so my kids have to struggle the same if not more”. I have had a lot of health things going on since January this year, along with my daughter having a really hard time, and I’m nearly at breaking point. My mum - despite living 10 minutes away - hasn’t offered to help us at all, not once in that whole entire time. I rarely ask because even if my mum does agree, she makes it very clear it’s a burden to her and I never want my daughter to pick up on that (oh nanny is just looking after me because she feels she has to, not because she wants to).

I understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren, but as time goes on, I’m just really struggling to understand my mum’s mentality of watching your children struggle and be okay with that because you have your “own life to live”. She never has any sympathy for anything her own family are going through, but if her friends were experiencing the same, she would drop everything to help them in a heartbeat.

I think all of it combined - childhood things that are coming up in therapy, her attitude now in terms of helping out - is just building up so much to the point where I resent her. There is no point talking to her because she automatically starts crying, puts on the you’re calling me a bad mum act and then tells everyone how awful you are.

I really am considering pretty much not having a relationship with her - letting her still see my daughter when it suits us, not her - but other than that, not having much to do with her.

AIBU?

Her job sounds very demanding - she needs down time as well.

You’d be better looking for practical support elsewhere - working grandparents often haven’t got the time or the energy to take on any more.

I think it’s unreasonable. You choose to have children, therefore you help them when they need you whatever age they are.

Whilst I hope to have a decade gap of my children becoming adults and then them becoming parents, I will certainly be helping them through the arduous period of parenting. I’ll always be there for my children’s needs, whether they are children or adults. Anything less is selfish and maybe those who wipe their hands-off their children’s needs when they become adults shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.

It’s hurtful not to have your mother/father’s or mother/father-in-laws support during the difficult years of raising children.

It's great that you are in therapy. I think these are things to discuss there.

There is a lot of damage done by going 'no contact'. However, it's important to remember that 'low contact' was basically NORMAL before social media/whatsapp. 30 years ago, there is no way I'd have contacted my elderly mother every day. Now it's seen as normal and reducing this is some sort of huge signal.

It's tough to navigate this - especially if the patterns she has laid down for you have resulted in things like your abusive marriage. But working on your own resilience is probably the best way to resolve it if you can.

Basically I think it's important to do whatever will cause you the least damage. But don't underestimate the damage that going no-contact will do - for all of you.

I think you are looking for support because you are exhausted and your mother wants to enjoy her free time instead. This is understandable after her bringing up her own kids. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

I love my kids to bits but I plan to relax and enjoy my retirement, helping out when I choose because quite frankly I’m totally exhausted with my own kids just now. I certainly don’t expect my mum to step in just now though. They’re my kids not hers.

I get where you are coming from. I always thought I had a good childhood, it was really only when my daughter hit the teen years that I realised how little support and affection I had. Especially as my brother came along 7 years after me, so I sort of became unnecessary. I don’t think my mother actually liked being a parent at all.

Anyway, she sided with my brother when he decided removing me from the family meant more inheritance for him and I eventually cracked and cut all contact. It was that or have my mental health breakdown entirely.

Like you, I could not imagine allowing my daughter to suffer if I could help. I’d do anything for her. That is a stark contrast with what I experienced as a teen. Giving birth to someone does not entitle you to a relationship with them, that requires more.

If you don’t contact your mother, will she get in touch to check you are ok, or are you expected to maintain the relationship?

If you’re sure. You could try it - without her knowing - to see how you feel, but reverse it if it unexpectedly upsets you.

It's not quite the same. When she is at work, she has support of her colleagues and, ultimately, she is not related to these children so emotional load is less. I used to work with children with complex needs but it doesn't mean that I would feel well equipped to look after my own with similar issues. It's just not remotely the same.

When you say your mum thinks you should struggle because she did, is it something she explicitly said to you? Or something you think she thinks? There is a big difference.

I have a tricky relationship with my mother. She was very much focusing on solving practical issues when I was growing up and we've never had a strong emotional bond. I also don't remember much hugging or expressions of love... but I know that my mum loves me because she showed it to me with her actions when I was growing up. Life was extremely hard for her and she used all of her energy to make sure I had food and shelter. It was not a fun time in her life and I have incredible compassion for what she's been through.

We probably speak once every three months and it works well for us. I don't expect her to be more involved in my life. I would actually quite like her to enjoy her own because she had no chance to do it bringing me up. So, maybe, consider a similar approach with yours rather than completely ruining any relationship you do have.

What would be your Mum's side of the story? Many Parents are not perfect and some have children that are just downright hard work.
You had a better childhood than some, you had a home, you had food, you weren't beaten, sexually abused or left filthy. Yes not being told you were loved or not being stuck to your mums side will have an impact, it doesn't mean your mum didn't love you.
Maybe your mum had PND, maybe she struggled,maybe she maybe her life was hell, have you ever asked how her life was then ? Maybe she was overwhelmed just like you seem to be at the moment.
You have enough on your plate so go N/C and hopefully that will bring you some peace.

Mumsnet will always defend parents/ grandparents for being uninvolved and uninterest in supporting their children and grandchildren. To ask for any family help at all (and you're not asking for regular childcare, just the odd bit of support here and there) is, as we've seen on this thread, seen as akin to asking your poor, exhausted and elderly (in her 50s!!) parent to raise your child for you.

It's insane, and the replies you've had on this thread are insane. In the real world, families help each other out and support each other as best they can. It's not normal to not be prepared to put yourself out for your adult child even a little bit if you think it would help them, it's not normal to want to see your children suffer and struggle because you did, it's not normal to offer your daughter who has been through DV, babyloss, health issues and solo SEN parenting at the very least some sympathy and a listening ear - which @MotherIssues21 says is also not something her mum is prepared to do. And yet as usual some/most posters are jumping immediately to 'oh you just want free childcare, you're so unreasonable'.

Only you can decide if going lower contact will be best for you. I'm glad you're working through it in therapy. I agree with those who have said perhaps trying to disengage a bit and let go of expectations, dropping the rope, rather than making any final decisions about contact right now is best.

My mum was the same and she’s clearly neurodivergent not that it’s something that’s been diagnosed or was recognised then.

Excellent at solving practical issues and fighting my corner, less so at the hugs and kisses. It’s fine. People are different.

Does Low Contact simply mean anything less than contact every day? I thought it meant much lower levels than that

OP doesn't work, her mother is still working full time in a stressful and mentally and physically taxing job. Maybe she's just exhausted by the end of the day? Of course it's nice if grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren but it's unfair to expect them to provide childcare when they're working full time. OP doesn't need anyone's permission to limit contact with her mother if that's what she chooses but there's a lot of blame on here for parents who are not perfect and didn't get everything right. I wonder how these posters will feel when their children grow up and judge their parenting?

Is she working full time @MotherIssues21

Op. I also have a chronic health condition (lupus) am currently waiting for an emergency hysterectomy alongside anemia due to the blood loss. I work, sort the house out and care for both parents. I’m exhausted. I have 5 children (4 older ones and a 6 year old). I also have a young granddaughter. I do take her out now and then and enjoy spending time with her. But when I’m off work or at weekends I find it almost impossible to give anything more. I have zero help from anyone and carry this alone. I’m sort of a mix of you and your mum. I can see both sides. I feel awful I can’t do more with my granddaughter and I feel awful my own parents haven’t (well can’t really now) help out more. I think you both need to understand each others situations. Also, once you accept she’s not going to help anymore than she can, you will feel a bit better about it. Remove the expectation. Then it’s a case of putting one foot in front of the other every day. It will get better with your little one. Make sure you claim everything you can for your daughter, as this can open other doors. Find a family support worker as they can look into respite for you or put you in touch with others in similar situations. I hope things improve for you.

You're describing that you were emotionally neglected in your childhood and you view the lack of support you now receive in your adult life in that context.

There are people on this thread replying to you that were not emotionally neglected as children and so don't see a lack of support as an adult as further evidence of your mum's inability to be an adequate mother. Their opinions are not relevant to your circumstances.

You need to greive for the mother that you didn't have and that you feel you deserved. You are stuck with the one you have, and hopefully therapy can help you to accept her as flawed and limited. You might be able to begin to see her ability to mother in the context of her own mental health/childhood experiences, and forgive her for not being good enough for you. You can learn to protect yourself from future disappointment and pain. Limiting the amount of personal information you share and the amount of contact you have might help a lot. The problem with going full no contact is that you're left with all of the anger and no way to move past it.

I don't think there's an official definition. But if someone only contacted a parent a few times a year then we'd probably think it was 'low contact' - because our definitions of that have changed so much.

If I only contacted my mother once a month she'd go mad! But for her generation, that was a normal amount of contacting a parent.

Hmmm..
I am in my 50s and work full time. I am tired. The menopause has done a number on me. And I don't even look after autistic kids.

I would still help my DD out in your situation, but likely not regularly if I was the one working full time and she wasn't!

You may feel differently when you reach your 50s. I would like to hear your mum's side.

Is this the modern thing cutting a mum out because you didn't get exactly what you perceived to be right in your childhood.
It's all bollocks.
Nobody's perfect and most of us don't get exactly what we want.
You had more than alot of people did.

Your trying to punish your mother that's all. You'll end up just hurting yourself.

Life isn't perfect. You will be teaching your own kids to do the same to you.

My mum never hugged me or told me she loved me either. It's not a thing in our family. We are not expressive..She also couldn't provide any childcare as she was too far away and then my dad got ill. Admittedly I don't have autistic kids.

I am still very close to her. I think the nuts and bolts of parenting and working hard are far more important than hugs and saying "I love you". But then that's me.

You mum works so is busy. Does she help you out financially? If you don't work is your ex contributing?

I can't believe that people expect their parents to be perfect and flounce if they aren't.
Like I said she had more than some.
My parents weren't everything I would have liked, but you still loved them and had respect.
Some people would cry out for what OP fed and clothed and a mother still here.

You say that she had an attitude of “I struggled, my kids should struggle more” but is this something she’s said or is this the narrative you’ve put on the situation? I’ve also got hands-off parents, and it is frustrating and emotionally challenging but it feels like you’re wanting to reduce contact to punish her, rather than to protect yourself? It’s one thing if she’s saying negative things to you and your children, or is volatile, but another if she’s just not meeting your expectations. Everyone only does their best, even the awful people, and we need to take them as they are- not how we want them to be. Maybe all she’ll be is someone you can visit and have surface level interactions with. That has its benefits too, even if it’s less than you want (this is my situation). She likely won’t be a support system. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship. Life is really short, don’t do something you may in hindsight regret.

The fact that everyone only has one mother shouldn't mean that OP has to continue a relationship that only brings her stress and pain. The 'you only get one mum' and 'you'll miss her when she's gone' comments only serve to emotionally blackmail the OP which isn't fair.

Her mum is unsympathetic and unkind to the point that OP would prefer to have no contact with her mum at all.

It's OP who had the abusive husband, not her mum. If that had happened to my daughter, I would bend over backwards to help and support her.

OP does say she only wants help twice a month. I would do that. Might even do more.
But then I expect to be working part time by the time I have grandkids. And I don't have as stressful and physical a job as the OPs mum. Mine's a desk job and WFH.

Are you the OP’s mother?