It’s a DH one.. feeling resentful

[Browndoor25]

DH lost his job in November and is still looking for something. I do understand that must be hard and I’ve tried to be supportive and not pile pressure on. In the meantime though I’m juggling multiple jobs just to keep everything going. I’m getting up at 5.30am five days a week and working weeks without a single day off. On top of that I’m doing the usual mum stuff with a small child. He is helping with the housework more now at least. Our child has just had a birthday as well and I organised the entire party myself.. invites, food, shopping, party bags, the lot. The thing that tipped me over today was that I asked him if he could do a bit of training with the dog (which we really need to keep on top of). He rolled his eyes and said it was “tiring”. I’m honestly just feeling completely exhausted and a bit resentful that it feels like I’m carrying everything at the moment. I don’t want to be unfair because I know losing a job can knock someone’s confidence. But at the same time I’m up at 5.30am most days and working flat out.

AIBU to feel annoyed about the eye-rolling and the “tiring” comment, or am I being unreasonable given the situation?

so true about the op not coming back because she can’t bear to read the responses.

there are far too many women whose sense of self worth is non existent, and bar for men so low, that them simply existing in the same house renders the woman ‘happy’.

I would love to see more done in schools to get the the message through to girls that they are equal to boys, because something is going wrong somewhere to have so many women thinking being treated like this is in any way acceptable.

I think the easiest way to understand it is to reverse the roles.
op/others who also think they’re second to men - imagine if you lost your job. Would your partner be working all hours, still organising birthday parties, and coming home grateful to you if you so much as did ‘his’ dishes? No, right? Not a fucking chance. Your house would be spotless, he’d come home to a nice meal in your efforts to show how grateful you are to him keeping you all financially afloat.
so - WHY - do you think men should have a much lower standard/expectation? Why?

He's being a lazy entitled prick. How does he think people working full time ever find another job? They fit it around their lives not make it a full time bloody job and if finances are tight, he needs to get over himself and just get a job. Any job but bring in some money working in a supermarket if need be but get off your arse and do something.
Honestly this really gets my goat as my best mate's is living this shit - her husband has been out of work for10 months after being made redundant from a VERY IMPORTANT JOB meanwhile she's still running herself ragged doing everything and working FT as his full time job is job hunting. WTF. He hadn't been with his firm long so redundancy wasn't massive and they are now feeling the pinch and yet he still won't lower himself to get something that isn't 'right' or 'in his industry' and hasn't picked up any slack at home as 'he'll be out of the house again soon so there's no point changing anything'.

Raise the bar ladies and stop allowing this men to check out of family life whilst they are working let alone whilst they're not!

Looking for a job is a job in itself.

I get that he could - and should - be doing more, but the idea that he should be doing everything in the house is probably unrealistic.

Scouring jobsites, tailoring CVs and cover letters, filling in online applications... all this stuff takes time.

It doesn't take 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, for 4 months...

No, it doesn't.

When the firm I was working for went kaput during Covid, I would get up at 8am, make coffee, and be at my desk for 9am.

I'd spend the morning either looking for roles, or applying for the ones I'd found the previous day.

By the time I found the role I'm doing now, I'd applied for over 100 jobs. Sometimes it's just a numbers game.

But I agree - that left afternoons and weekends free. That's certainly time he should be using to lighten the load on her.

@BudgetBuster , it doesn't but it's hard to be disciplined when you have no work.
If you apply for any job, you won't get anything.

Ideally, the DH would have a structured day with a routine.
Something like a working day,e.g.

Shower, walk dog, breakfast, take kids to school, back home.
Desk, apply for jobs,
Do some housework & have lunch break,
Apply for jobs, fetch kids.
So a bit more work.
Clock off.
Spend evening with family.

Reality is probably far more feeling hopeless, having all day to get it done, etc and the longer that goes on the worse it gets.

I completely agree.
A couple of hours a day to look for jobs, research the role, tailor a CV, submit applications etc. But when your partner is working multiple jobs to keep your house afloat and taking on the mental load of the home and kids, this man has gotta buck up.

Taking the dog out for 20-30 minutes would actually be good for him too to step away from the computer. He can throw the washing machine on, take the dog out, come back and bung the washing on the line / clothes horse / dryer and have his lunch.
Prep the dinner for the evening and then do another 2hours of job hunting.

Even something that small every day would lighten the load when the OP has to come home and face into it.

YANBU but sounds like he’s getting away with it.

Why are you doing all the house work whilst multiple jobs to keep the finances afloat… he should be doing the house work and a lot of the childcare whilst he is looking for work.

No no. Just busy with my multiple jobs and child. Will catch up when I get a minute. I forgot to add that my wages, despite my best efforts, don’t cover all our bills so his parents are supporting us too. It’s not a good situation.

Yes. When he had a job I everything during the week despite working part time myself. Now he’s doing some stuff in the home it feels like an improvement but it’s still not good enough.