It’s a DH one.. feeling resentful

[Browndoor25]

DH lost his job in November and is still looking for something. I do understand that must be hard and I’ve tried to be supportive and not pile pressure on. In the meantime though I’m juggling multiple jobs just to keep everything going. I’m getting up at 5.30am five days a week and working weeks without a single day off. On top of that I’m doing the usual mum stuff with a small child. He is helping with the housework more now at least. Our child has just had a birthday as well and I organised the entire party myself.. invites, food, shopping, party bags, the lot. The thing that tipped me over today was that I asked him if he could do a bit of training with the dog (which we really need to keep on top of). He rolled his eyes and said it was “tiring”. I’m honestly just feeling completely exhausted and a bit resentful that it feels like I’m carrying everything at the moment. I don’t want to be unfair because I know losing a job can knock someone’s confidence. But at the same time I’m up at 5.30am most days and working flat out.

AIBU to feel annoyed about the eye-rolling and the “tiring” comment, or am I being unreasonable given the situation?

And this is why it’s actually easier being a solo parent.

I’m not excusing your husband’s behaviour
but on another current thread pretty much every post says that a SAHM shouldn’t have to do all the chores because she’s at home. Almost every comment state it doesn’t matter how hard the father is working, he should still do half of all household chores
so why is it different when it’s the man at home?
I think you are right to be resentful op, but it seems nobody thinks this when a woman is at home, even when the kids are in full time school

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5501503-would-you-be-a-sahp?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Maybe it’s different in different industries but where I work, “Has this letter been written by Chat GPT” is a first-level filter for removing applicants from the stack.

That said, writing a tailored version of your existing cover letter is not very hard and it sounds like the husband should be doing a lot more housework.

Oh dear god.

The whole point is that he isn’t doing anything.

A stay at home parent is working… doing the parenting.

Hes a lazy bastard.

This seems v unfair OP. What is the industry and is it likely to change? We are now 4 months later and a number of sectors are struggling.
I’d be asking the following questions to figure out what’s next-
Can he get any other (part time) work to cover some of the bills etc? Does he need to consider retraining or moving into a different sector? How do you both balance the work, housework and rest together and for each other? What does the next month look like? The next three?

Was just going to say something like this. Your dh should definitely be doing the lion’s share, but if a sahm can expect not to have to do it all then nor should your dh.

Prospective employers hate that it’s very obvious what it is and will probably be binned

So just agree with him.

Yes, training the dog will tire you out, sorry.
But the benefits will relieve stress and far outweigh the effort.

Suggest that he also goes for jobs not in his sphere of work - part time or casual. His good work ethic will look good on his resume.

Don't call it "helping" with the housework. Housework isn't your job only; it's HIS house and his family too, he should be doing a fair share whether working outside the home or not. And since you are working such long hours he should be doing more. As someone who was applying for jobs within the last year, yes it's a drag but it's a couple of hours work a day maximum. You make a basic personal statement and then change it to fit the criteria of each listing. And yes I did manage to apply for those jobs while doing the majority of housework and childcare, because my husband worked full-time.

Why do men "help" with the housework? They should be contributing, not helping. Pisses me right off this piss wet attitude.

How much do you both actually need to do and how miuch have you decided needs to be done?

And why the need to have a such a big party?

It’s been 5 months now. If he hasn’t had so much as an interview he’s not taking job hunting seriously. Unless he’s looking after preschool kids he has plenty of time to do an application or two a day, and stay on top of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That’s what a SAHP does.

But he can step up and do more around the house and not work as lots of SAHP dont have jobs hence the name

You can just tweak it after

Why do you use the word ‘help’?

He’s not ‘helping’

The usual response is that they should have equal leisure time or that it’s 50:50 when both parents are at home. If he’s chilling out all day (and in the evening?) then he’s taking the piss.

I think it's time to lay down the law and have a massive row - yes you're both stressed and tired but he should be doing the lions share of the housework and cooking. Obviously! If he doesn't see that and tried to argue against it I would be genuinely reconsidering the marriage.

He needs to apply for any industry now just to earn.. ask for a mortgage holiday maybe or
He could dedicate 3 hours each morning and evening to writing cover letters and applications so he gas to sit down and do it as a job, with a break in between, then do his home shift!!
Chat gpt can help with bullet points for a cover letter anyway, how hard is it when it's going to be the same industry..
LinkedIn headhunters, reaching out to friends in the industry or other ones surrounding for a referral

Hell he could be delivering pizzas in the evening or Uber driving!!!

If he's not working then he needs to be doing absolutely everything in the house and for the kids. Why are you doing it on top of work?!
If his industry is quite niche, why can't he get any old job to tide you over until he finds the job he wants?

Op has stopped reading - another lazy sod - when they act like this its best single - its disgusting. We are not superwomen -

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky or listen to it. Get him to as well. It’s a short read and it’s a system for dividing up domestic labour. It helped my STBXH understand why ‘helping’ with the housework and childcare isn’t the same as working together as equal partners.

You should have equal amounts of time for self care and equal ‘unicorn’ time - time to spend on doing what your each like to individually. So however long he spends gaming, you should have the same amount of time for your hobby. Eves book really clearly shows this and helps you set up a system.

It did make a bit of a difference with my STBXH but he sadly couldn’t manage to regulate himself and stop his regular rages and nastiness.

i don’t think you should stay with him if he doesn’t pull his weight. You’ll burn out. Be honest - what are you getting from the marriage right now? How does it feed or benefit you?

"You need to do it all"

Lazy entitled twit needs to step up and do his fair share. How can he let you run yourself ragged while he's faffing around and hasn't even managed to get himself any kind of job yet?

He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

I agree it’s massive row time. There is no way he is putting that kind of hours into a job hunt. Adults who are job hunting still have families who need them.
when he does get a job tell him he works and pulls his weight at home just like you do or he’ll be single and the only one doing his housework and parenting his kids on his contact time.

I think you're being way too soft on him. I'm the breadwinner in my house because my DH has severe disabilities. But even with the restrictions he has, he manages to do a fair amount at home while I'm working within the boundaries of what he can actually physically manage, and he's in pain most of the time.

DH needs to get real. I do understand job market is not easy for everyone. He should do 100% of all child caring, cleaning, dog walking and cooking while unemployed. Just tell him this is now HIS duty until he finds a job. And DO NOT do the tasks for him. That's where women go wrong; don't do the work for them. Remember that you teach people how to treat you.