It’s a DH one.. feeling resentful

[Browndoor25]

DH lost his job in November and is still looking for something. I do understand that must be hard and I’ve tried to be supportive and not pile pressure on. In the meantime though I’m juggling multiple jobs just to keep everything going. I’m getting up at 5.30am five days a week and working weeks without a single day off. On top of that I’m doing the usual mum stuff with a small child. He is helping with the housework more now at least. Our child has just had a birthday as well and I organised the entire party myself.. invites, food, shopping, party bags, the lot. The thing that tipped me over today was that I asked him if he could do a bit of training with the dog (which we really need to keep on top of). He rolled his eyes and said it was “tiring”. I’m honestly just feeling completely exhausted and a bit resentful that it feels like I’m carrying everything at the moment. I don’t want to be unfair because I know losing a job can knock someone’s confidence. But at the same time I’m up at 5.30am most days and working flat out.

AIBU to feel annoyed about the eye-rolling and the “tiring” comment, or am I being unreasonable given the situation?

Another day another DH not pulling their weight.

Yes, looking for a job is hard. However, he’s home all day!!! Surely he would enjoy getting out and about and doing some training with the dog.

Rather than get annoyed and have an argument could you say you’d like to sit down after kid is in bed and chat through how you’re both feeling? Communication is key in any relationship and doesn’t seem like you’re communicating very effectively right now.

Sorry, but fck that! The man is unemployed. He needs to do ALL housework, childcare, dogcare whatever until he finds a job. No 50/50 here when she's currently the bread winner. The positive in this is that it builds up a sense of purposed schedule, it forces you out of bed. When you get unemployed and start to slack, lazy time quickly becomes a habit - and habits are hard to break. He needs to force himself to finish all tasks each day to build purpose and motivation. Then it will turn into auto-pilot, and probably get him to make more efforts to find a job too.

I have some sympathy for him but..... Tailoring his CV etc takes time but he still should have time to engage in home and family activities. He really needs to get himself organised.

Being more involved is likely to take his mind off being unemployed - I understand that mentally it can be tiring so he really shouldn't dwell on it.

Looking for a job is mentally draining, so thats one more reason he needs to throw himself at physical action around the house.
Eyrolling not on.

But at this stage he should be doing any paid job to help out. Supermarket, delivery driver etc. Whilst he continues to look for a job in his industry he should be earning in any job so you are not dping multiple jobs. I am sure your multiple jobs arent all your dream career are they?

YABU for saying "He is helping with the housework more now at least. "
Why should he be helping? He should be doing his share,

Chat GPT can write his cover letters.

What even is the point of this ridiculous man child?

He's fallen into the trap of the less you do the less you can be bothered to do. He also probably hates that you're the one doing the thing he thinks is his job and the thing he prefers (earning money) and would rather do nothing than pick up domestics.
I'm not sure why he is struggling so much with getting a job. Because there is work if you're not picky (which after 4 months unemployment he shouldn't be). He needs to sign on with an agency and take what's offered while he looks for something in his field. That would mean you could drop a job at least. Tbh if he wasn't prepared to do that, I'd be reviewing the marriage.

If the industry he works in isn’t recruiting he needs to look elsewhere, even if it’s only temporary until he finds something in his own line of work. He’s been out of work since November because he’s too rigid in his job search and at this point the priority should be taking some of the load off you.

The person who doesn't do paid work - whomever it is should do the majority of the housework/cleaning/shopping/pets/childcare. Parenting should still be a joint enterprise - school runs, take to activities, care for them when the other partner has hobby time.
The end.
I cant believe that your husband hasn't stepped up and you've allowed this to happen.
I'm presuming that when he did have a job he did nothing either?

If you're financially supporting him while he's out of work, then he needs to show you some gratitude and respect. Honestly, OP, you're wearing yourself into the ground - would he be doing this for you?

I think it depends on if he’s actually a full-time parent to the small child while OP is working extremely long hours or if their child/ children attend nursery/ childcare/ school and he’s staying at home alone doing nothing in this time. I’m a SAHP to a baby and toddler and there’s some things I just can’t get done in the house no matter how hard I try, plus I do find it tiring and need a break just as much as my husband who works outside the home.

I totally get that writing cover letters and searching must be exhausting, but he is surely only doing that for a few hours a day, most likely not every day until the job market is absolutely booming. So yes, he is stressed and likely a bit depressed, but for both of your sakes he needs to find some oomph to keep things ticking along. Training the dog, ensuring the house is maintained, taking care of the kids, these are all helpful things that would help him feel accomplished and rebuild his confidence. You're not unreasonable at all OP.

I listened to a podcast recently with a divorce attorney (maybe it was Triggernometry?) who said that the two biggest guarantees of divorce was the death of a child, and a man losing his job.

The first one is completely understandable.

However, the second one is interesting. He said that it’s not because of some masculine idea of the husband being the provider, but it’s actually because of how men behave when they’re unemployed and ’looking for a job’. Gaming, doing nothing around the house, getting snappy with their wives, many start drinking and gambling. The wife reaches breaking point, not because she wants his income, but because of how he behaves during this season.

It sounds like this is what’s happening with your DH, OP. I’m so sorry. Sounds like it’s ultimatum time. Previous posters have given some good advice.

You're not annoyed enough. You're working 7 days a week. He needs to take on the mental load so you aren't 'asking' him to do things. He needs to be responsible for things, which includes knowing that they need to be done.

What everyone else has said.

None of this is your fault or you being remotely unreasonable.

I'm raging for you OP.

I presume when he was working, you did the lions share of housework and sorting despite working yourself? The fact he's done a little more housework he probably feels like he's stepping up now, despite being wide off the mark! He sounds lazy and that he's starting to get too comfortable.

I would be talking to him about this and also how long he is to stay looking for a job in his sector. Sometimes people need to get any job they can, while applying for their specialist jobs when so thin on the ground. In this market, any job right now is a good job to have.

He should be doing ALL the housework, cooking and sorting your dc out, not just ‘helping’. In your shoes OP I’d down tools with anything house related and simply concentrate on work.

What a prick!! writing covering letters and sending in a CV is not hard. He needs to be doing 100% of the housework and childcare when he is at home, with split responsibility when you are there!! How lazy is he!! I am angry for you, he needs a rocket up his arse.

As another poster said you are nowhere near angry enough!!!

My DH was made redundant 4 years ago, couldn’t get a job. Went to an agency after a week and just did anything- he was warehousing, got his fork lift truck license and did that, worked doing picking and packing- anything to make sure he was working and bringing in money. He got a job after 3 months, is still there and loves it!! We don’t live in an area where theres loads of jobs - you just have to take whats out there sometimes.

I don't understand why so many men insist on only applying for jobs they WANT. Get a job while applying for the jobs you want. It's not fucking rocket science. Bring SOME money in. There are jobs, just not jobs people want.

He should be doing everything round the house whole you're working multiple jobs to keep a roof over his head. Yeah he lost a job, tough shit, you don't have time to mope mate.

He's living the life of Riley.... your doing rhe majority of the house stuff so he doesn't feel the need to and being basically shit!!
I would of lost my mind by now, you need to be firm and straight to the point. He needs to get a job to bridge the gap, even in a supermarket is better than mooching around the house doing naff all.
Good luck

You are a complete mug and he is a selfish, lazy loser.
He knows you are a mug too.

It really isn't normal to tolerate this.
You have a lazy waster living off you.
Give your head a wobble.
Be glad you only have one child with this loser.

Time to rethink running yourself and your health into the ground for him.

He has a total fool made of you.

Stop being a martyr.

Because it is quite draining to apply for jobs and the chances of getting a job for which you have no experience or aptitude is low.

The DH might have applied for several job then get a filler job from which he might need to take time off for interviews and would leave as soon as he got a better offer.

The problem is that OP is carrying the load while it looks like the DH is doing not much and getting depressed/low.