Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

Thank you. It seems however I handled it, I’m wrong when it comes on mumsnet.

It was "a light jab on the top of his arm" in your original post. Now it's "sharp contact" and "assault"

I'm afraid that the frothing hyperbolists scattered round the thread are goading you on.

What a contortionist you are to arrive at this conclusion.

Id have had some sympathy for her if your DS had randomly hit her child.

But her daughter started it and she didnt reprimanded her child, which tbh if she had intercepted, it might have been that your DS didnt hit back.

What she should have done is told both of them hitting is unkind and to stop it. Not punch your son. This narrative an 8 year old boy should be ok with being hit and is the problem when a girl started it is outrageous.

I can also appreciate that you would have been shocked and probably agree neither of the children should be hitting or shoving. But unless she can see why that was wrong and how her daughter caused the incident, and apologise properly to your DS about how her hitting him was worse behaviour because grown ups should know better.. you dont have a friendship to even consider saving

It really is their loss.

There's always a few knobheads and AIBU is the worst place for it. A lot of people are supporting you. It's difficult when people purposefully misunderstand and then criticise.

A boy who has just hit the girl that ran over and hit him first?

The adult should have told her own child off when she started it

If you’re unable to read between the lines or lack of imagination, I can’t help you.

I think some people don’t have an awful lot going on unfortunately, and this may be the little drop of drama they so desperately require on a Tuesday afternoon.

Your friend's daughter hit your son first, yet her Mum didn't say anything to her? Did she not see her daughter hit your son? Of course, your son shouldn't have retaliated, but he's 8 years old, and it's a natural reaction. She then tells your son off, and hits him, after he said 'go on then' (clearly not expecting her to do so). Your son giggles at your friend's daughter, because she's wobbly whilst learning to ride her bike, and your friend pushes your son, to the point he nearly falls over.

Your friend isn't safe around children, particularly if she believes her child has been slighted in any way. Physically hurting a child, in retaliation for a child's disagreement, is out of proportion. Yes, as parents we want to protect our children, but the fact is adults can't go around assaulting children. Children do say mean things, they push etc, it's part and parcel of being a child. It's not any wonder your friend's daughter hits and pushes, if her Mum goes around doing the same!

Walk away from the friendship.

Sounds like all the children need to be taught how to behave better. But I agree your friend was in the wrong. So up to you if you move on from this or end the friendship.

@NetflixandKill1 if anyone, or Nieve, asks you why you’re done, I’d bring up the point you left out - that her daughter acted first, so why was that ok but your son’s gentle but similar response was not? And say “I wish I’d said something at the time and that’s really what i have a problem with (that and the fact N should have made more of a joke.

This uncident occurred because your DS stepped out of line. He goaded your friend,

Your friend was in the wrong because she punched your DS, and although your friend is an adult, your son is old enough to know that is not how he should be behaving and what will you do when he is is bigger and stronger.

You just need to have some words with him

You need to tell your DS not to be rough with any kids, boys or girls and never, ever to goad adults because he needs to learn how to behave.

He just needs a firm talking to.

Kids are are aware of their rights but they also need to know they don't have the right to push past boundaries.

I just couldn’t ever imagine doing that to my child, let alone someone else’s. They aren’t my values. The fact that she sees she’s done no wrong, hurts even more. I will die on this hill!!!

😆

I've only read your replies op but no doubt about this woman needing to be out of your lives - she assaulted your child.

With the other stuff, she's a clear queen bee. You're better off away anyway. She'll currently be making sure everyone knows her version of it whilst simultaneously suggesting she's taking the higher ground. No one will dare to disagree with her for fear of falling on her wrong side.

Women like that are the downside to Primary school parenting.

I'll say the same thing I say to my kids, sometimes people give us the gift of showing us exactly where they belong in our lives without us having to guess. Invest your other friends and don't waste more time on nieve and her groupies xx

Sorry, he pushed boundaries?? Whilst her DD lashed out first? He pushed boundaries when calling out an adult for behaviour he knows isn’t acceptable for one? He did? This is crazy. Are you a girl mum or just don’t like boys in general. I can’t see how any of this could make it HIS issue. If you accept that behaviour for your children, you’re in the minority I’m afraid.

No, the incident didn't occur because the son stepped out of line. The incident occurred because OP's friend is fucking unhinged.

Stop trying to justify violence against children!

Please make the school aware this person has physically harmed your child if they are at the same school and there is potential for escalation between the children. Neither of these women are your friends. I could not blindly back someone over something like this.

Precisely. The friend's daughter hit the son; he retaliated, whereupon he was threatened by the so-called friend. His verbal response could have been seen as defiance towards a grown-up, but considering that she'd failed to react to her own daughter's bad behaviour, I can understand why he responded the way he did.

I've known people like her. If they or theirs does something wrong, it's 'just a joke'. If their victim retaliates, even verbally, then the person who set things in motion in the first place feels that they have the right to take physical action.

The OP should keep her distance. Her "friend" is a dangerous person.

Good God. That attitude and those two incidences towards your son are MORE than enough to cut her off. I would tell her exactly why, too - including both incidences. She really is awful, considering she saw her child hit yours first. And shoving your son because he laughed? WTAF? Yep, scorched earth and tell her WHY. 😡

Agree. I don't think this has ever been considered acceptable-even in places/times where smacking is the norm, I have never heard of "punch me and I'll punch you" being ok.
OP, your names for them have me thinking of horror movies. Maybe sheer coincidence, but if they have upset you in the past, and you're not happy with this begaviour, don't feel you have to expose your child to it.

OP, you do sound lovely but are well out of their company.
That woman threatened and assaulted your child and if you reported her to 101 I wouldn't be surprised as a lot of parents would.

Her behaviour was not normal at all and needs reporting.

She’s not a friend. It’s never on for an adult to hit a child, but certainly not a child who isn’t their own. I’d cut her off, and I’d be tempted to report her to the police. What she did was premeditated, based on what she said beforehand. I imagine she hits her own children and for some reason, ‘forgot’ herself. She’s doubling down as she knows how far into the wrong she is. Don’t be afraid to stand up to her. A true friend wouldn’t do this and if for some mad reason they had done, they’d have apologized profusely after. Not played the victim. An adult woman smacking an 8 year old boy? Not on at all. If you don’t want to go as far as the police, I’d def involve the DSL at school. It sounds like the children have already been talking about it there, so wouldn’t be too odd to do.

I would call her "friend" no longer