Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

To an adult who threatened to punch him?

Though I would talk to him about escalation v de-escalation

Sounds like she's a danger to little boys, OP says she not like this with the girls.

An adult theatens then punches a child and the child gets criticised. The sexism on here is unreal.

I don't think it's acceptable for a boy who has just hit a girl to then cheek the adult who tells him off.

This whole situation would fit into the life lesson of Fuck About and Find Out as far as I'm concerned.

Why would you bollock an 8 year old for having a less than perfect response to an ADULT threatening violence against them?

You have no clue how close to the wire you really are….

My advice is more along the lines of being trapped by a bully or attempted assault/abduction by an adult. My son is very little and there's plenty of time to teach him how to deal with violence as a man/young adult later.

I'd be more worried that your son said to an adult 'ok go on then'. Little bugger. She was wrong wrong respond as she did though.

And friend's response here sounds like a fairly normal idiom to me. "If you grab that cat, I'll grab you!" "If you throw that X, I'll throw you!"

"Go on then!" is FAFO.

TBF I'd not have stood around ignoring this in the first place, so my friend wouldn't have had to step in/got mad.

This reaction proves she knows it was wrong.

I try not to dial into that too much. I mean he’s 8. When I say hit back, this is at the lads on the playground that like to get a little “handsy” I’m definitely not telling him to go round thumping people if they bump into him 😆

If you beat your kids, just say that.

You sound confused - by putting speech marks around the "hit" you seem to be saying that that hit itself isn't the issue? For me, it is the fact that she actually got to that point with an 8 year old at all. I think whatever happens you have seen a side to her that you can't unsee. None of it is appropriate behaviour around kids. I would normally say you need to see how it repairs but I'm not sure I could continue a friendship, especially as she thinks this is Okay.

Having said that I do remember a lovely friend of mine being mortified when her husband told my child off but that telling off was verbal and shaming rather than physical. Neither is Okay though.

And for anyone going down the line of FAFO (or whatever the acronym is), the adult should be the adult in the room always.

She was wrong to threaten him in the first place. She should have sorted out her DD who started this. Of course some people automatically blame the boy.

Amen.

As usual. Seems like he’s the one that’s to carry all the blame here. Insanity.

Why didn't she say that to her daughter?

I agree. I just wanted to add the caveat because it's relevant to the original point, i.e, it doesn't have to be either/or.

It really is.

Yeah, he can hold his own. He’s a very big character.

So have I read this right:

Nieves DD (8) hit your son (also 8) and he hit her back. And Nieves mum responded by saying she'd punch him for hitting her DD and when he said "go on then" Nieve punched him in the shoulder?!?

So her DD started a fight (playing or otherwise) and she did nothing? But when your DS either played back or defended himself, depending on the incident, she told him she'd punch him and did?!?

It would have taken a lot to not pull her away by her hair tbh. But I certainly would have told her, her DD started it and she ought to get her own house in order. And shes lucky I didnt punch her or she would have lost her teeth. Outrageous behaviour, you handled it really generously all things considered.

It's really not a normal idiom to threaten to punch a child and the other examples you gave aren't great either. It is never acceptable for an adult to punch an 8 year old child and I feel sorry for your children if you think that adult on child violence is a natural consequence.

Many years ago I did see 2 well known people standing in the wings of a show that was being filmed. They were the most unlikely coupling (both married to other people) One picked a piece of fluff off the others shoulder and for a minuscule moment their body language gave them away

Isn't this the story of Princess Margaret's forbidden romance with Captain Peter Townsend, her father King George VI's equerry?

Hmmm. I suspect that you drawing a line under this friendship will be a relief for all concerned.

What about the girl who hit the boy first?