Friend “hit(?)” my 8 year old.

[NetflixandKill1]

Help. Long time reader, first time poster.
so I am in a friendship group of 3 women. Myself, and Carrie and Nieve (names changed) We’ve been friends for a good few years. Between us there are 6 children. 5 girls, and my boy. Usually we all get along so well. Myself and my 2 friends have shared some deep things and we’ve bonded well. On the odd occasion I will feel like the outsider of the group. Carrie and Nieve tend to arrange things outside of our group chat. This hurt in the past, but I’m grown and accept that they’re just closer in general.
So, to the incident.
My child (8 M) was walking toward me and Nieve and Nieve child (8 F) launched towards him and tapped him, she he did the same back. Nieve got mad and said to my son “don’t punch my daughter otherwise I’ll punch you) he reacted quickly and replied “ok go on then” so she did. It was with a clenched fist, and a light jab on the top of his arm. This completely shocked me. I got upset and left. It couldn’t leave my mind so I ended up messaging her and telling her how I felt. I said it really upset me, and I don’t hit my own children so for another adult to do that, really hurt. She apologised for hurting my feelings, but will not apologise for what she did. She can’t see her wrong doing. She’s very impulsive, so I assumed she acted on impulse and I gave her a few days to think it over. I asked her if she had chance to think it through and her response was “no, should I have?” I’m heartbroken. She’s adamant she’s done nothing wrong. I basically told her she needed to apologise, but she has flat out refused. She spoke to another mutual friend we have who confirmed it would upset her also, but she still can’t accept it. I’m ready to walk away from this friendship. I don’t know if I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. Help. I am perfectly able to hear saw honesty. AITA

@NetflixandKill1 I'd be interested to hear how your mutual friend Carrie has reacted to this event?

This reminded me of a time I was playing at a friend's house and we went in their cabinet in the hallway and found stamps. I think we must've thought they were stickers or something or maybe I'm not remembering exactly what they were but there were loads and we took them all off. I don't remember exactly what we did (we were young, friend and I were probably around 6, her little brother obviously younger).

Her mum found us eventually and went absolutely crackers at us, really screaming and yelling. She hit her two kids and then pointed her finger in my face and screamed "and I'd hit you too but you're not my child". She didn't even hit me and I still remember the fear I felt in that moment (I wasn't hit as a child at all).

Definitely not them. These were 2 married people who were the most unlikely people that you would put together

As I said, he’s a smart child. If he feels respected that’s what he will give back.

Answers his teachers back for what? If a teacher was heard threatening to punch a student a bit of cheekiness back from that student would be the least of thier worries.

So, I was in my car after the school drop off yesterday morning, I turned my head and saw she was at my passenger door. I unlocked the car and she got in. She got upset and said she loves me and she hates all this. She said me and Nieve needed to write down all of our feelings, then all get together and hash it out. I go upset talking about also as I stand to lose 2 friends. She spoke to me this morning; we had a brief encounter, then I made my excuses and left. I love her and her children, but I can’t feel supported by her when I know Nieve is her ride or die.

You'll have to let this one go too @NetflixandKill1 I'm afraid.

A Nieve will tell their friends they don't expect them to pick sides but then go out of their way to organise stuff that forces your 'mutual' friends to exclude you. If they don't exclude you, they'll be accused of picking sides.

You can't win, unless they are prepared to fall out with her too

Has she tried to gaslight you previously? She sounds horrible

Yet again, the hypocrisy and sexism are off the charts - although that’s the norm here.

Notice how this poster says “a boy who has just hit a girl” and completely neglects to mention that the girl had hit the boy first and the boy had responded to being hit.

And then the woman who threatens to punch the child is merely an “adult who tells him off”.

There are some really dangerous individuals here.

I’d have hit the fucking roof. Well done on holding back. Don’t second guess yourself. Getting nasty with kids and assaulting them is FAR from being acceptable. Clearly she’s going to double down since she’s a wrong ‘un but I would be crystal clear with anyone looking to defend her that she won’t hear any of that shit.

That You* won’t hear it

Oh absolutely I know absolutely under any circumstances will Nieve let Carrie go. When I say these women are close, I mean extremely. Think holidays together, merging after school most days, weekends together, school breaks always together. I’m happy to see them once a week when the kids have time off, and that seriously drains my social battery. I will have to lose Carrie and it’s gonna sting for a while I guess x

I’m not really clued up on the whole gaslighting thing. All I know is my child and I get treated different to Carrie and her kids. It’s water off my sons back really and he doesn’t pick up on everything, but I sure as hell do. I’ve come to the conclusion if I am questioning her integrity then I don’t think I’m much of a friend to her as she is (was) to me. I will grieve for a few days then next week I won’t even think about it. I’m not sure if that’s due to my autism but I can easily cut people out and move on very quickly. Thank you for your input I appreciate it x

It’s been so awkward. I feel like I want to hide in the shadows when it comes to pick up time, but I know I’ve done nothing wrong and should be holding my head high. I just don’t like drama like this. 😞

Some people only understand violence. Stick one on her, the bitch. Give her a dead arm.

HTH

Absolutely hold that head high, lick your wounds for a few days and keep it moving. They’re no loss (both of them are birds of a feather). One or both of them will probably play dumb at some point and ask what’s wrong. Just tell them that hitting children isn’t ok and walk off. You’re above them.

It sounds like Carrie is really torn, and keen to maintain your friendship. I expect knows exactly what Nieve can be like too. But the thing is, It’s objectively wrong for an adult to hit a child. Carrie’s approach would maybe be appropriate for a minor fall out, but there aren’t two sides to this; the only appropriate response in this situation is for Nieve to apologise.

it is really sad when the fall-out from things like this means that you lose a nice friend too, but I think when someone will turn a blind eye to things that are wrong so long as it doesn’t impact them, isn’t necessarily someone you can count on completely anyway.

on a separate note, please don’t beat yourself up for not having said anything to Nieve when it happened - some people react in the moment, and some people are more reflective. The sequence of events won’t be important to your son, but knowing that you didn’t stand for someone treating him like that will be what sticks with him x

I’d have put the fear of god in her and told her I was contemplating reporting her to the police. As she’s been your friend (past tense) and it was relatively mild, I probably wouldn’t have followed through, but I’d definitely let her know she did something illegal in striking your child. It might stop the nasty bit@h from doing it again to someone else.

At a soft play a couple of year back, a man grabbed my 11 year old by the ankle with force and pulled him down the slide, yelling at him (he had chased him as apparently my son rushed past his kid and banged her). He refused to apologise or leave. Well that man spent the night in a police cell! We decided not to press charges but I showed my kids I will never allow anyone to lift their hands to them without a jolly good defence, my end.

This woman seems like a spiteful sort and I would totally cut her off. I had a friend who would get excited and punch me in the arm, very hard, as if she wanted me to stop talking or something. It would hurt and it’s quite shocking to be punched - so the friendship soured after. I don’t like bullies or psychos or any combination of the two.

I’ve raised a confident, brave and lovely boy, but he will tell it how he sees it = brat

I doubt if your ex-friend will miss his rudeness (if he is this rude "confident" at 8, then hunker down OP, you have a fun ride ahead) , and you will not miss a woman who threatens to hit a child.

Friendships run their course and it is best for you all to just let this one just die

I was brought up to respect my elders but when I was a child, I once yelled at a mother whose child had used a wooden plank to hit my friend over the head: "You think your bairns are the best in the street - they're the worst!"

With hindsight, I have some sympathy for her children. All the flats in our street had only one bedroom - not so bad for those families with only one or two children.

She had three children, a husband who was in and out of prison and an adult sister living with her. However, I have absolutely no sympathy for her parenting skills, given that her failure to parent her children meant that as an adult I had to pay a great deal of money in order to have teeth restored as a result of an assault perpetrated by one of her children. (A well aimed rock broke my front teeth, just as my adult teeth were coming in.)

I've been told that ND children have a keen sense of justice or at least fixed ideas about right and wrong and speaking for myself, I'd say that that is why I spoke up when my friend was hurt: I inherited my neurodivergence from my mother.

I suspect that that is what happened when the OP's erstwhile friend threatened to hit the OP's son. He knew that she was in the wrong in so many ways, hence his reaction.

Other posters have asked "What if he were to say that to a teacher?" I doubt very much that one of his teachers would threaten him in that manner - and if they did, no headteacher in the land would be able to back the teacher under those circumstances.

Thank you for that. I feel awful when people ask why I didn’t immediately jump on her, but that is so out of character for me. You’re right in that I wouldn’t trust Carrie either. She’s enabling Nieves behaviour isn’t she.

Even if he was the biggest brat on this planet, she still should not have laid hands on him. Nothing excuses what she did. How does confidence convert into rude to you? This is the first time anything like this has happened. If he was such a brat I’d have more stories to tell I think. Did you miss the part about Nieve almost pushing him over? He wasn’t rude then. She has a vendetta against him, it’s clear for me to see now.

@NetflixandKill1 you're only human. Parenting is hard. Next time anyone steps out of line with him you'll be on it. Life's for learning. Take no notice of the unlikely perfect parents 🙄

I take it you’re in the US? I’d have wanted the man charged but at least he faced some punishment for what he did.

I am sure you ex friend will have many stories to tell about his " confidence"... You just are so blinded by your pride in your ' lovely, confident' son that you may not see it as the rudeness it is to others.

I am no way backing up her nastiness by saying this. She acted terribly and your mutual friend is no friend to either if you in having no backbone to tell her so.

Your son's mouth may well get him into trouble in the future if you don't teach him the difference between confidently having an opinion, and mouthing off.

But that's down to you, if you want to think your son is fine then so be it. Don't ask for opinions if you just want an echo chamber.