Mismatched Sex Drive Hack: The Marital Magic Minute

[MagicMinute]

I may have found the hack for mismatched sex drives!? I could happily go weeks, maybe months without sex and wouldnt think of it much. DH OTH has a high sex drive. After years of arguments, debates and heart to hearts, a few weeks ago I came up with the magic minute and I feel there's is somwthing in it. AIBU?

My theory is, I can do anything for just 1 minute a day. So the rules are:

1 minute a day

• sex/bj/hj/cuddle/kiss
• appropriate moment/place i.e. no kids could walk in etc and not i.e when I am ready to sleep.
• obviously some days I will be up for longer but no obligation.
• its not scheduled so its whenever a minute works

I retain the right always to say no of course.
When we first implemented I had a cold so DH opted for a cuddle for 7 days. So its got him reviewing the days too, whereas previously he said there was always opportunity and would say "its been x days/weeks" without thinking of what may have affected those dates.

Its working well for us, what do you think if you are in the same boat? Could you do just 1 minute and then its done?

I think it's something in the "one minute" I'm struggling with.

I can see how "let's be intentional about touching each other every day" would be helpful in producing more intimacy, but the one minute deadline adds a lot of pressure and also makes it feel like something that can potentially only be endured for very short bursts of time.

I understand, to some degree, having to bring more planning and intention to the kind of intimacy that produces orgasm when kids are in the house, but one minute cuddles?! Surely they should be happening freely and pretty much left, right and centre throughout the day?

If it works for you both @MagicMinute then go for it. Looks like a lot of posters disagree with you and a fair few seem to be using the thread to be a bit boastful about their sex life, but, they are not in your relationship, and if your strategy works for you and your partner, good for you!

I think people are taking this very literal and serious. Its suppose to be a bit of fun.
This is a widely used concept that sex therapist will try among many other games and ideas to open up the marriage to fun sex again.

They can take the pressure off they are suppose to be a bit of fun and done in jest not a clock watch although the time in this one is important as it gives them both an out if they aren't feeling it.

I'm sure op's partner has enough agency to say if he does or doesn't want to participate in it.

My personal favourite "game" is a month where you can only kiss. Feels like being teenagers again stealing moments bump and grinding! and we never make the month barely make a week but it builds tension and lust up. Which isn't easy to do when it's all school runs and making dinners life humdrum.

We did a version of ops game because we struggle to keep it under 2 hours. So our quickie had the rules of being less than that. They still are 2 hours because once we get going neither of us wants to stop😂 but the brain hack of it will only be 30 mins allows us to put aside the pressure of getting up early in the morning or being awoken numerous times in the night by little people.

The one rule that must always remain is that both partners are having fun the rest are always open to flying out the window.

If this is working for op then great. If its not already in ops plans then I'd recommend both of you have weekly check ins how you're both feeling and give it 3 months to review if either of you want to change anything. The game may naturally of evolved in that time.

"are you a man?:

Are you for real? Of course I am not a man.

Are you so narrow-minded that it's the best you can come up with?

Feelings are one thing, but it's not normal to imagine that only men want their partner to be attracted to them? You've never heard of women spending a fortune on beauty treatments etc.. to feel more attractive for a start?

No one has to be "in the mood" at all time, no one is! but what you are describing and blaming on "hormones" is not a real relationship.

Based on your few posts on here, you have one of the most depressing sex life I have heard of. Making it a very depressing life and a sad relationship.

Starting a thread about "sex hack and the magical minute" because you are smug about it is depressing. No wonder some marriages dont' last

...or get a divorce, and cheer up.

To be treated like such an inconvenience, he should.

What I find the most depressing is these posts banging on about how "normal" it is for women to have no interest in sex, and anyone with a healthy sex life can only be a liar or a man.

Like it's our curse if you lose interest in sex the minute we turn 30 or whatever nonsense we read on here. People get tired, stressed, busy and life is different in the months when women recover from childbirth, but why the need to constantly pretending it's a fact of life we lose sexual interest just because we are female?

We are horrified at the way women are treated in some countries, but deep down we are not that much better when it's the message we send here.

You shouldn't be forcing yourself to do anything you don't want to, even for a minute. Soul destroying.

There's no solution for mis matched sex drive. It always results in a compromise that isn't right for either person.

I used to think an open relationship was a horrible answer to mismatched sex drives but I would actually prefer that to having to get pitty intimacy in one minute chunks

She should go to her GP. And then a different one if they say this is natural and do nothing to investigate.

Having a massive drop in sex drive to the point you have to make a deal with your husband to allow him to touch you for one minute a day is not normal and is quite clearly a sign of an underlying issue.

There are many different causes of a drop in sex drive, including medications you are taking, mental and physical health conditions like hyperthyroid and depression, alcohol, that feeling of overwhelm. Anxiety. Ignoring a symptom like loss of sex drive does nothing to solve the underlying issue.

I am not suggesting op has more sex with her husband. I asked her what she has done to rule out a treatable, underlying cause.

This is repulsive, your OP was bad enough ending with " and then it's done "

@MagicMinutesounds completely joyless to me, but if it works for you both that’s great..

Your miracle minute would do absolutely but frustrate me 😞!

How?

I have a lack of sex drive. No idea how to sort it at all. I'm all ears. I've no trauma or history of abuse. Attracted to my partner. Previously had a good sex drive. Not anemic or low in B12, I'm perimenopausal but not sufficiently so to qualify for hrt yet. I'm 42. Clean bill of health, no underlying physical or mental health issues, no depression. Partner is active and engaged in the household, no hidden resentment or such. Have tried various "gummies" and herbal remedies.

Solution?

I love the "are you a man" comment when I shake my head at the OP,

when in real life, what woman would be over the moon if her husband was saying: I am doing it for 1mn, then finish yourself, I am not interested, and I am done anyway.

What a turn-on and what a loving relationship.

what woman would be over the moon if her husband was saying: I am doing it for 1mn, then finish yourself, I am not interested, and I am done anyway.

It'd be interesting to post exactly that as a separate thread, and see how it scores.

I might wait a few months and give it a go.

I have so many questions but one I don't think has been asked is how you time the minute?

Like do you count the seconds in your head (both of you or just one of you)? I am doing a lot of physio at the moment that requires holding stretches for 60 seconds and it's both surprisingly hard (easy to lose count) and very boring. Then do you just call out "time's up!" or something?

Or do you set a timer? On your phone? That goes beep after 60 seconds?

I am struggling to process either of those scenarios happening in real life and I would rather not have sex at all. No wonder the husband chose 60 seconds of cuddles.

Wouldn't it be in a woman's interest to have a longer timeframe? I thought that generally we take longer to warm up so to speak. I don't think I've ever had sex where anything earth-shattering happened in the first minute.

1 minute is our best chance of not being disturbed, so I can switch off enough.

Get a lock for your door?

I have so many questions but one I don't think has been asked is how you time the minute?

I’d use an old school stopwatch and a whistle.

Absolutely this.

There's such a weird thing on Mumsnet where people act as if women hating sex and finding it all a bit silly and grubby, and treating it as a unpleasantly messy and unhygienic gift that has to be reluctantly bestowed upon men to keep them happy (because men are basically animals and/or perverts for having a sex drive), is the default attitude.

It's like they think actually fancying their husbands and enjoying a good fuck is somehow a bit common.

I reckon she plays the Countdown music.

I agree with this. It's seen as normal for women to hate/dread/merely put up with sex rather than enjoy it. However, I think a lot of that is because a lot of men are simply woeful in bed, so of course a lot of women don't enjoy it.

Well now that's all I'm going to hear next time I'm intimate with DH 😆

I like to think OP shouts NOW, they discreetly shut themselves in the airing cupboard, set a phone timer for a minute and play So Solid Crew 21 Seconds loudly to disguise the noise of the between 10-20 strokes.

OP he's going to leave you, this is not magical in any sense.

Lord have mercy, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

😂😂

"this one time, at band camp" comes to mind

No sorry but if I'm not in the mood for sex, then I'm not doing it even if it was just 1 minute