To not want to move in together?

[switchedoff14]

I’ve been with my partner for a few years. Everything is great. We don’t see each other loads but it’s real quality time when we do. The next stage would be moving in together.

I like the idea of it in several ways. I like the idea of seeing him every day and chilling on an evening watching TV. But it’s outweighed by several things that makes me want to keep things as they are.

I suspect that domestic chores would fall to me. I don’t know why I think this, because he lives alone in his own home which is always clean and tidy, but I still strongly suspect it would. I don’t want us to end up arguing about domestic chores. I hear my friends talk about how their partners’ lack of contributions and it puts me off.

I also am a big night owl whereas my partner struggles with sleeping. He’s a really light sleeper and would be woken up by me coming home late and having friends round, or by me coming up to bed much later than him.

AIBU to not want to live with him for these reasons?

Is there only one bedroom? Could you occasionally sleep on a sofa bed in the living room.
I'm sure plenty of people would be happy dating forever, but just as many would not and would think a relationship has to progress if it survives so you have to consider that too.

I think unless there’s a pressing financial reason to do it, and you’re happy with things as they are, I wouldn’t bother. There are relationships which are perfectly fine until they move in together and then it goes rapidly down the pan.

I have a two bedroom, he has three bedrooms. Neither of us would want to live in the other’s house. We’d have to sell them both and buy together. It just doesn’t seem to have many positives but has potential to cause arguments and resentment.

Are you both happy with the status quo?

It’s conventional to think living together is progression but I’m not sure that’s true. If you can have a perfectly lovely relationship as you are why change?

I think you’re very sensible not to move in together. Don’t sell your house to buy something with him and give up your own security.

I really don’t think that living together is essential these days tbh.

Can I ask how old you both are and if either have kids?

But then you'd be able to buy a 2 or 3 bedroom place, wouldn't you? So not necessarily any need to share a bed/room every single night? Sounds great to me if you can do that.

Definitely stay as you are.

what is wrong with staying as you are?

be together, committed but live apart? many people do this and it works much better than living together!

This. Dont do it.

A relationship living apart sounds perfect.

Why fix what's not broken op?

I’m 37 and he’s 39. Neither of us have kids.

You and your partner are quite different. I'd say live separately. I'm assuming you're not planning this to be a permanent relationship (marriage)?

Ok definitely don’t sell your house.

Living apart and spending time at each others homes is the ideal imo.

What does your partner feel about it OP? Are they keen to move in together, and if so why? Or are they happy to stay as is, in which case there is absolutely no way I'd risk rocking the boat?

True but I think even the sounds of my friends’ voices, me using the bathroom and going up and down the stairs would wake him. Plus the consideration of whether it would end up unbalanced with domestic chores.

Stay as you are. It works, and if it ain't broke, don't try to fix it!

I am in a long term relationship for over 20 years now. We do not and will not ever live together. It works perfectly for us as we are independent people and neither of us has kids either. Might sound a bit selfish or something, but I really couldn't share my living quarters with anyone for more than a day or two now without going a bit crazy!

We do travel a lot and spend up to a month together in an air bnb/hotel etc. and we get along fine. I suppose because we know we can retreat to our "nests" when we get home! And we do share weekends and the occasional overnight together, alternating houses.

Do what works for you. I am so over all the comments about when are we moving in together and when is the wedding and so on. I ignore all that. What we have is ideal for us, and if things ever went belly up well I have my house and my life and no messy financial/accommodation concerns to deal with either.

I am very much planning on it being permanent.

I think you are happy as you are.
Sometimes the banality of life gets in the way of romance.

He’s fine with things as they are. It’s more external pressure from people asking when we’re going to take it to the next stage.

I’m also team live apart. My DH was a terrible sleeper, even in a large two bedroom, he always moaned I was too noisy when he was sleeping - don’t watch tv, don’t boil the kettle/run a tap/flush the loo etc etc as it woke him up. I ended up taking an evening then a night time job just to ensure he got his precious sleep.
loved him dearly, (been dead nearly two years) but my god I don’t miss the issues over sleep. I would never have someone else move in to my home for this reason alone.

Don’t do it, OP. We did and I wish we hadn’t. The domestic drudgery is a big bone of contention and it’s much nicer to just have the fun times with your partner and still have the solitude of your own place.
I’ve moved out into a rental while we work out what to do now.

You don’t need to be married to have a permanent relationship.

But you haven't really explained why you think he would all of a sudden no longer be able to cook and clean for himself, when he can now. And how would you be forced into it when there are no children?

You don't need to be married but you usually live together when the relationship is more permanent

Conversely, you can be married but live separately