To not want to move in together?

[switchedoff14]

I’ve been with my partner for a few years. Everything is great. We don’t see each other loads but it’s real quality time when we do. The next stage would be moving in together.

I like the idea of it in several ways. I like the idea of seeing him every day and chilling on an evening watching TV. But it’s outweighed by several things that makes me want to keep things as they are.

I suspect that domestic chores would fall to me. I don’t know why I think this, because he lives alone in his own home which is always clean and tidy, but I still strongly suspect it would. I don’t want us to end up arguing about domestic chores. I hear my friends talk about how their partners’ lack of contributions and it puts me off.

I also am a big night owl whereas my partner struggles with sleeping. He’s a really light sleeper and would be woken up by me coming home late and having friends round, or by me coming up to bed much later than him.

AIBU to not want to live with him for these reasons?

Are you planning on a permanent life long relationship with you both living separately. In different properties?

Some very happy marriages work this way.

Sounds bloody perfect, if they can do it financially.

I can’t explain because I don’t know why I think it. I just have a strong suspicion that it would fall to me.

There is no ‘next stage.’ If you’re happy as you are, don’t change it! I will never live with my partner but we’re absolutely committed to each other.

precisely, you can do whatever you want as long as you are on the same page

Yes.

Even if you did split domestic chores, it is likely that you would have different standards so there could still be conflict.

Agree. I would never live with another person again. My own space is far too valuable.

Having a long term partner and separate homes is the ideal imo

And what does your partner think about this?

He’s happy as we are.

Many people do. Because it’s what they think they are “supposed” to do. Others never live together. If neither wants to have kids and both are happy living apart, why risk the relationship? Living on the same house doesn’t magically make you more committed.

Fabulous. You've cracked it, then

I ask because every man I've ever dated post divorce has wanted to live together/get married. I'm guessing because they wanted a maid/cook/whore.

I'd decided never to live with a man again. So.....the relationships never went very far

These men were 50+ age wise

It's fabulous that you've found true compatibility when if comes to living arrangements

Sell up one of you and buy a house next door to the other. Then all the fun of quality time together without the cleaning up after the lazy one or waking each other up.
If I won the lotto, that's what I'd do! There's something to be said for not letting chores and every day living build up resentment.

Yep - there’s a lot of middle aged men out there looking fur a nurse with a purse.

And even more middle aged women wanting their own space without a man taking up room.

I don't see a problem then.

People really struggle to get their heads around a committed relationship without cohabitation. That’s not a reason to move in together if you don’t want to though! I think a lot more people would live separately if they could afford to.

My partner and I have been together almost a decade, don’t live together, and we might never. It sounds like we probably spend more time together that you do - we split the week at each house together, and alone a few days. We make big and small life plans with the other in mind, and never argue over whose turn it is to clean the loo. Perfect!

I wouldn't ever do it again. It doesn't make anything better imo, you can have cosy nights in on the sofa at either one of your houses as often as you like!

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Team live separately here! I know a few couples who have been together for over a decade and don’t want to live together. Some of them have other joint assets (holiday homes/camper van), but their main residences are separate. My grandparents, after raising their kids, moved to separate apartments on the same street back in the 70s and remained married until my granddad died in -06. I think it’s recipe for success for many, but it’s a financial stretch for many.

Most of society seems to have a really narrow view of how relationships should progress. Why do they have to follow a certain trajectory?

I have been in my relationship for 6 years now and we live separately. We see each other around 3 times a week and it's always quality time, completely focused on each other/doing activities together (even if that's just watching TV). We holiday both together and separately. We wake/sleep at different times, have very different tastes in home environment/decor, have animals that couldn't live together, but it works very well exactly as things are.

Therefore, I don't think YABU at all. If you aren't planning on having children, it sounds like it will be better for you to remain living separately

I also am a big night owl whereas my partner struggles with sleeping. He’s a really light sleeper and would be woken up by me coming home late and having friends round, or by me coming up to bed much later than him.

If you think this will cause arguments between you, then, best not to move in together.

You're happy. He is happy problem solved. Firneds asking about it? Just say "we are happy as we are". There is no reason why you would have to live together. Living Apart Together is becoming more popular. I know quite a few older couples that never lived together, it had more to do with inheritnace. But still. I think there would be less divorces if people could afford two houses.

@switchedoff14 You're both happy as you are. Keep it that way. Domesticity can be the kiss of death to a happy romantic life. You end up talking about bills and who's turn it is to take the rubbish out or call the plumber. You get no privacy. You watch him slob out on the sofa watching Formula 1 while you load the dishwasher. That sort of thing.

I don’t know why people think it’s ok to get that involved in others lives. If you did move in, they’ll start asking when your going to get married/have kids 🙄

I don’t think I want to live with anyone again. My 80yo neighbour has been with the woman across the road for many years, but they won’t move in together. They are probably the happiest couple I know 😂

If it is something you both feel you want down the line, I would start by moving into one of your homes to see how it works out before committing to buying anything. If it doesn’t work out, you can easily go back to how you are now.