To not want to move in together?

[switchedoff14]

I’ve been with my partner for a few years. Everything is great. We don’t see each other loads but it’s real quality time when we do. The next stage would be moving in together.

I like the idea of it in several ways. I like the idea of seeing him every day and chilling on an evening watching TV. But it’s outweighed by several things that makes me want to keep things as they are.

I suspect that domestic chores would fall to me. I don’t know why I think this, because he lives alone in his own home which is always clean and tidy, but I still strongly suspect it would. I don’t want us to end up arguing about domestic chores. I hear my friends talk about how their partners’ lack of contributions and it puts me off.

I also am a big night owl whereas my partner struggles with sleeping. He’s a really light sleeper and would be woken up by me coming home late and having friends round, or by me coming up to bed much later than him.

AIBU to not want to live with him for these reasons?

I do think this is the perfect solution! This is my ideal

Why do people do this?! Do they just want others to be as miserable as they are?

A friend of mine was dating a man for 3 years. Both older with adult children. Other friends went on and on about them moving in together- I said don't do it. Why would you want to do it? Purely due to pressure from others he moved into hers. It was a disaster. They are both so used to their own space and set in their ways. Within a month my friend was so depressed and asked him to move out. They split up temporarily, but Fortunately they're together again now, living separately indefinitely.

I dont care what he has what he can bring to my life, all the money in the world, would not get me to live with another man again.

My 5 and a half year relationship just ended 2 weeks ago. It was semi long distance, saw eachother one overnight a week, where i went to him as he lived alone and i live with a parent who is a carer. Cooking ALWAYS fell on me, or i was expected to buy the take away. Not once did he ever offer to cook even if i brought the ingredients with me. We did everything on his time scale, every time. His set meal time (5pm, i always eat later than that at home) Had sex at his preferred time, went to bed at his preferred time (he takes medication to sleep, i normally stay up later than him) I'd be awake for hours just laying there, unable to sleep but scared to get up or even be on my phone incase i woke him. I was the one expected to make breakfast for him to have breakfast in bed. He's very particular about washing up being done every night before bed, and even that was expected to be a shared chore with one washing one drying. We didn't get up in the morning til he woke up, i'd be lay there again bored but not feeling able to get up or do anything incase i woke him. We broke up for unrelated reasons, but i absolutely couldn't imagine living with him would be very relaxing, or not having to do everything together on his timings.

Its concerning that it was something other than his appalling behaviour that brought about the breakup. Please consider doing the Freedom Programme before dating again. You should never have accepted his ridiculous, controlling behaviour. You matter! We attract the treatment we tolerate - in relationships, at work, in our social lives. Do some work on your boundaries, know your worth and never tolerate being so dominated in future relationships.

If you’re both happy as you are, ignore those external pressures and carry on!
If you want to live together, you need a clear plan and commitment for who is responsible for which chores, and your DP needs to sort out his sleep issues.

Why the need to live together. Yes the will be cheaper with one house to run

but if you can both afford own house then live apart but stay 1-2 nights at each others house sounds peefec

guess only gets difficult if want kids

Also, if they sell both houses to buy together, it might be difficult to afford two houses again in the future if house prices continue to rise. Don’t do it OP!!!!

Agree. My friend sold his house and bought a bigger place with his partner of 4 years. They split after less than a year living together and it’s been a nightmare. They’re struggling to sell he’s moved out and still paying half the mortgage and living in a rented room until the house sells. Though he thinks his ex is deliberately holding back offers as she’s the one living in the house

Hes 60 and now in a difficult position financially because he gave in to pressure to live with his partner against his instincts

I used to think this. It was a major factor in my relationship breaking down. But I see now that it would have been a REALLY bad idea for us to live together and am very glad we didn't take that step forward.

I particularly think that it's a bad move if you sense you will become the default housekeeper. Because that would definitely end things between you eventually. There is nothing less sexy than a man expecting a woman to be his mum/maid. Results in total loss of desire.

"if they sell both houses to buy together, it might be difficult to afford two houses again in the future if house prices continue to rise. "

Why? Wouldn't their share of new house also go up in price?
Of course, you might lose money if you split up very quickly after moving in...

Mine too, but I could never afford even a tiny studio in the area where my bf lives.

That was assuming that they wouldn’t buy a joint house which was worth the same as the sum of their individual houses.

We would definitely buy a more e pensive house. We would need and want more space.

Rising house prices might not be such an issue then if you did end up wanting to go back to separate properties again.
But still DONT DO IT

After a 20 year marriage, I find the idea of a LAT relationship very appealing too. I love my boyfriend very much, but not sure I want to share my home again.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together

How long do you think it would " survive" without moving in together?

As there’s no children involved why do you need more space? Between you you have 5 bedrooms across 2 hones - surely that’s plenty for 2 adults

If you are talking about living together you need to discuss what that would look like. I wouldn’t buy straight away it would make sense to move into one of your houses and rent the other for a trial run. But equally fine to not move in

Not long imo.
But in this case, OP doesn't want to so it's a different situation.

So much of domestic drudgery can be the cause of relationship strife, you do wonder if living apart but occasionally staying over isn't the best of both worlds. but if you do choose to live together, couples benefit from a sleep divorce ( seperate bedrooms) to combat different sleep patterns and as for the chores you I guess you just make it very clear from the start who does what and don't pick up the slack from the get go.

The differing sleep patterns would be enough for me in your shoes. Not the fault of either of you, recognising it is no crime.

Well I've been with my partner nearly 11 years now without moving in together. So doesn't seem to have done us any harm

That's up to you, but most couples don't do that. There wouldn't be a special name for it (LAT) if it was the norm.

It's definitely getting more common with older couples . And it hasn't made our relationship fail early on either like you alluded to. What about the " special " name of " marriage" then?