To not want to move in together?

[switchedoff14]

I’ve been with my partner for a few years. Everything is great. We don’t see each other loads but it’s real quality time when we do. The next stage would be moving in together.

I like the idea of it in several ways. I like the idea of seeing him every day and chilling on an evening watching TV. But it’s outweighed by several things that makes me want to keep things as they are.

I suspect that domestic chores would fall to me. I don’t know why I think this, because he lives alone in his own home which is always clean and tidy, but I still strongly suspect it would. I don’t want us to end up arguing about domestic chores. I hear my friends talk about how their partners’ lack of contributions and it puts me off.

I also am a big night owl whereas my partner struggles with sleeping. He’s a really light sleeper and would be woken up by me coming home late and having friends round, or by me coming up to bed much later than him.

AIBU to not want to live with him for these reasons?

Could you do a Madonna and buy two houses next to each other?

Agree it’s getting far more common especially older couples

All of my single divorced friends never want to cohabit again. We all say we’d be happy with a weekend only partner - but only on the weekends we’re free 😂

It’s probably not more common because many couples couldn’t afford to have separate homes

Regardless of staying together but living apart, which I am in full support of as well as living together. Each couple is individual and unique.

What makes me suggest not changing the current status quo is your lack of communication as a couple. How come you have not discussed this together? How your future looks like, whats important to you, marriage, children etc?
Values and boundaries, finances. All these things combined are important. And if openly talked about, reduce the friction of expectations.

The LAT thing isn’t new. My great-great aunt did this with her ‘toy boy’ (he was 10 years younger) from the very early 60s to the late 90s when she died. They only thought of moving in together in the last two years of her life. - she was late 90s herself by then.

But they have homes before they get together surely. Or are they living on the streets?

This sounds like heaven!!

I don’t see anything in your posts that suggests you need to move in together. There’s no single “right” way to structure a relationship, what matters is choosing what works for both of you. And it sounds like you’re both happy with things as they are. Enjoy it!

It is getting more common because it makes so much more sense than just going along with the template of 'living together' because that is the 'norm'.

Five years LAT and going strong here...loving it!

could be renting. A lot of couples struggle to maintain one home these days, let alone two

And I was very clearly talking about if we moved in together, was I not? Are you incapable of reading and comprehending?

We are not renting, we both have mortgages.

Have you ever considered talking about it. It sounds like you just don't want to give up your independence which is fine of course

But they still have a home. The way you are talking is that you need to be in a couple to afford a home. Yet many single people do it obviously as they not homeless because they are single. And what's wrong with renting?

Everything is great. We don’t see each other loads but it’s real quality time when we do

This stood out to me.

As you both own homes and there are no children to consider one of you could move into the other's home for now, then you can see how you get on seeing each other loads!

The potential incompatibilities and your concerns would then be put to the test.

Don’t do it. Retain your independence. If you like things the way they are, keep them that way. Unless you plan on having children, I’d recommend living together for a while before making that life altering decision.

Get a cleaner as a non negotiable. My sister did this when she moved in with her boyfriend. I’m up later than my husband and he’s a light sleeper but we’ve managed and I’ve never really woken him up. Could you trial it before you both sell and move xx

I know that. I was responding to the poster who was saying that LAT is uncommon by saying that alot of couples can’t afford to own two properties.

That's probably why it's more common amongst older people who already own properties. And have grown up kids.

Both my partners and myself own properties from donkeys years ago and we both have grown up kids living independently

Exactly. I think a lot more couples would prefer to live separately if they could afford to do so.

If you are both happy as you are, just stick with that arrangement. Who cares what anyone else thinks. In my experience, some people really need to try and convince others to make the same choices as them as some kind of validation. If they are just asking the question, seems reasonable. If they are actively trying to convince you to move in with him, ignore.

What i would say though is, if in the future you do decide to move in together, don't just sell up and buy together from the get go. Rent somewhere first and test the waters.....

My experience of the imbalance of domestic chores came from his higher tolerance for mess and yes, dirt. He claimed to be happy to do half, but in practice that meant leaving dishes in the sink for ages (even though we had a dish washer) usually until we had run out of clean plates and cutlery. He would then do a mega clean up session and all would be clean again.

i just wasn’t prepared to live like that. I modelled keeping the sink free of dirty dishes, cleaning up as we went along in the kitchen and keeping the house clean and tidy.

he wasn’t happy either the idea of a cleaner but agreed to if as a condition of moving in. Turned out that he thought paying half of the cleaner meant he didn’t need to do anything. The household never reached the level of discomfort required for him to think it needed to be cleaned.

it’s only looking back that I see how it happened and now wish we had never moved in together.

we spent ten years as a couple in separate homes without ever having any disagreements. After we moved together it seemed everything g changed. I had felt no strong impulse to clean in his house. But in my is. I wanted things ‘nice’

big mistake. Huge.

I certainly would sell a house and buy one with someone else before 'test driving' how they are to live with.

You don't need a firm and measureable reason not to want to live with someone. Just a feeling that it wouldn't work is reason enough. The trick is to communicate this in such a way as to not offend

Sorry - that'a I would not sell a house and buy one with someone else before 'test driving how they are to live with