As an autistic person AIBU

[estrogone]

To be sick to death of people blaming all bad behaviour on neurodiversity.

It seems like the go to excuse.

Little Johnny urinated on somebody- must be ND
CF stole my shit and is rude and unpleasant - must be ND.

I wish people knew that autistic adults (especially women) are highly sensitive to fairness. We have strong inner policeman and will make sure we play fair. We spent decades masking and sticking to the rules, so we would be the least likely to be a cheeky fucker.

Some people are just rude, insensitive, aggressive, entitled, horrid. As children this might be down to genetics, family dynamics, as adults because they just are not very nice.

You aren’t going to get any ND diagnosis for forgetting names.

"Why should a child only learn that leaving a situation where they are stressed makes THEM feel better. Rather than having to leave a situation because they are making others feel bad."

At that stage and in some cases for always they may be completely own agenda and not understand it makes others feel bad.

Why is masking always seen as such a terrible thing? I don’t understand this. If someone reacts so badly hearing the word no then yes unfortunately they are the one who has to learn to cope with and change their reaction. The entire world cannot stop using the word no just in case someone has a ND condition.

I am autistic. I have to mask a lot of my autism especially at work. And with my friends. How I want to react to some things they do is not proportionate or sensible. How I want them to treat me ideally is also not realistic. My responses to noise is not normal but I am the one who needs to deal with that. I smile nicely and tell a mother on the train whose child is screaming blue murder or banging the table repeatedly not to worry about it when she apologises to me. Is that what would be natural to me? Definitely not. Quite frankly I want to scream back and hit myself until it stops. But I breathe and smile. I often take headphones. Or I remove myself from the train if it really gets too much. I do that so I can fit into society. So saying “it’s not a solution” for PDA people to mask….. what is?

Is it also not the solution for me to mask and tell a struggling mother not to worry? What should I do? Mask? Or scream at her to SHUT IT UP SHUT IT UP!

Well you're saying autistic people are less likely to be a CF. Isn't that just the reverse stereotype you're complaining about? That all autistic people might be more likely to do something CF-ish?

Of course it makes no difference and it's not an excuse whether someone is or isn't autistic. If they've hurt someone or done something bad then the consequences are the same.

Yanbu. Ds2 is autistic and is extremely law abiding. He won't even accept reasonable adjustments a lot of the time. Which can be very difficult because a lot of the time he really needs those reasonable adjustments.

I’ll give you an example. My 19 year old is in complete autistic burnout from masking and has dropped out of university as a result. It is like parenting a toddler at the moment. He got straight As in all his exams, was well liked and doing a maths degree at a Russell group uni. He is now at home doing nothing. There is plenty to read about it if you choose. It is heartbreaking. That is just one example of why constant masking can be bad.

I also dropped out of college. I imagine these days it would have been called burnout. I was also a straight A student until I broke. I dropped out and started self harming. I didn’t know I was autistic then though. But I’m not sure what you think the solution is? What in your opinion is the solution then? What is your solution for me if I’m stuck in a noisy situation through no one’s fault? Other than pretending I’m fine (masking), what is the solution?

I agree.

My autism of course does affect my life and independence but I own my home, am married, have a job, can drive, lucky to have wonderful friends. I can easily 'pass' as neurotypical if I mask. I have low support needs (level one?).

My cousin's Autism means she can never live independently, she's 32 but if you met her you would think she's no older than 14 or 15. She can't drive, has never had a relationship, can't work and struggles hugely with anxiety and meltdowns. She has not got the capacity to mask. (...level 4?)

The difference between our needs is significant, yet we're both under the umbrella 'autism' term. Which doesn't seem accurate, or helpful.

I would say (as the parent of a youngster who also crashed and burned, but at 17) that this isn't just about masking, but about being autistic in the modern world. The sensory, social and curricular expectations are enormous and cause incremental trauma. I consider burnout to be what used to be called "a nervous breakdown" and I think it happens when demands outstrip coping strategies for extended periods. I don't think this is unique to ND people. My DC hit burnout despite being entirely incapable of masking. I would imagine it may have been a combination of executive functioning issues, lagging life and independence skills, and the expectations of students to be proactive communicators when they hit issues that may have also contributed to a student crashing (it's very common in autistic students, unfortunately).

IMO masking is not necessarily a bad thing and I consider it unhelpful to teach autistic people that it is. We ALL mask. What is important is understanding that it is a cloak adopted to smooth by in society and culture, and that we need to find a space, time, and people with whom we can be unmasked and accepted for who we "really" are. I actually kind of think that is what love is...the people with whom one can be entirely authentic and accepted with, which is a vulnerable way to be. I think teaching autistic people that it will harm them unless they are unmasked and authentic all the time is deeply problematic.

Speaking for myself, it would harm me way more to be completely authentically myself all the time, rather than guarded/ professional/ mainstream.

Btw my DC is 24 and we are just starting to see a capability to take on small responsibilities again. 7 years to rebuild themself up from that crash.

Oh absolutely - I don’t disagree. With my son though - and I can only speak for him - the burnout has been caused by masking. He is actually pretty high functioning and threw himself into attempting to socialise, be less awkward, be someone he is not, be “normal”. My ds unmasked is not extreme and he doesn’t have very many sensory issues (certainly not ones he can’t manage) but it was ultimately the masking that undid him.

it has really fucked with his self esteem being unable to unmask in front of his friends - not to mention the extraordinary executive function collapse he is now experiencing.

For my son it is lowering demands while he is in burnout and reassessing what he can cope with when he comes out of it. What he cannot cope with is going from the structure of home and school to trying to live independently, adapt to a very challenging degree, execute some basic self care as well as throw himself into freshers week.

if we were to do it again perhaps he would live at home, join one or two societies and choose a less difficult degree. I can’t talk for everyone. It’s very sad letting go of yours and their dreams but acceptance is helpful.

I mean, my son is no longer capable of masking so it would not be helpful to continue to encourage him to mask. It would be like telling someone with depression just to cheer up. Believe me if I could I would - it has been painful and frustrating in equal parts watching it happen.

Also perceived wisdom is that burnout causes the inability to mask. The hope is that he will regain some masking capacity and when he recovers. For example, eye contact is impossible at the moment. I’m sure he will regain some ability to make eye contact in time.

My kid was never a masker. Still burnt out.

I don't feel like his authentic autistic self was that 17 year old lying in a fetal position in bed in a dark room 99 percent of the day either. He wasn't unmasked, he was severely mentally unwell as a result of incremental stress from being autistic in a NT world, and trying to keep up in a school system designed only for able NT kids.

Wow. Aren’t you a charmer.

HAve a look at this website - the author is late diagnosed autistic senior civil servant - I feel "heard" when I read her posts. https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/chronological-list-of-blogs/

I’m not sure if you’re trying to be helpful or disagreeing with what has happened with my son? I’m not sure the causes even matter. We are where we are and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Surely the naughty step isn't the answer to that. Being somewhere quiet is different.

@youalright I don't think you have firsthand experience of how this works. No offence but my son was diagnosed with ASD eith pda profile at 3, likely has ADHD like his dad but too young to test. DS has had a psychiatrist, psychologist, and occupational therapist that we see weekly to monthly as well as the parent coaching we also took. We have been very proactive in trying to "nip the violence" in the bud but we can't because of his ASD with PDA profile. This is not down to poor parenting. We didn't have a TV until he was 4. I was a SAHM for the first 4 years of his life. He's in mainstream school without any additional support and that is largely down to us doing all we can to keep him regulated so he doesn't spill over in school. What you don't understand is that kids like my son know very well the difference between wrong and right. His meltdowns are a nervous response when he loses autonomy or things don't feel right (often sensory) he loses all control and there is nothing you can do in that moment except try to keep yourself and him safe. Afterwards when he's calm we always talk about what happened but he cannot stop it. I think/hope you are wrong to assume that violent kids grow into violent adults. Kids grow and develop and we see huge improvements in our son. Unfortunately with his profile kids often mask in school, then explode at home.
We try to work on things we can influence outside of his ASD that might be impacting his behaviour - sleep and food. He was chronically sleep deprived until he was prescribed melatonin recently which has given him an extra 2.5 hours sleep per night which has made an amazing difference to his behaviour. It's not uncommon for ASD kids to not produce enough melatonin - in my sons case he has never been able to fall asleep, it used to take 2 to 3 hours. He has a very restricted diet so now we try to tackle brain and gut health whilst also exploring PANDAs - all thesr things have to be explored privately which is costly. So please don't judge or comment on here unless you have first hand experience of ND kids because alot of the time people really have no idea.

@MyTrivia just because your daughter has a pda profile and is able to control her emotions - in what position are you to say that "the majority of kids can be taught to do the same" - honestly the ignorance is unbelievable. As many posters have said its a spectrum and just because your daughter presents one way it doesn't mean that every other kid with pda profile does too.

I know that. I think the reason that kids with PDA often become aggressive or whatever is that parents and carers don’t find out they have that presentation until years of the child being misunderstood took their toll. This is nobody’s fault but it is relevant to the overall problem of why PDA is so difficult to manage.

I have autism eupd and bipolar. 2 of my kids have autism. Violence is never acceptable and if it isn't nipped in the bud then yes violent children will turn into violent adults. Kids don't beat their parents for 16 years and then wake up at 16 and suddenly stop. If hes only doing it to you it means he has self control.

Wow. You’re still beating this drum. With respect please can you stop now - it is offensive. People have patiently tried to explain what has happened with their own kids and you are still denying their lived experience. Your diagnoses do not make you an expert on other people’s children and whether they will turn into violent adults. I have literally explained that my violent child is not a violent adult. I did not conquer this with authoritarian parenting, he was never a bad kid and I was never a shit parent.