To raise washing with ex?

[Smellysusan]

When DC is in my care, they are washed/bathed every day. They genuinely get smelly without (7 year old) around their bum area.

Ex never washes DC, even when they’re there for five days at a time.

I know we both have PR but AIBU to raise this? Am I being OTT?

Of course raise this. How do you know they don’t wash for five days? I wouldn’t allow more than one overnight.

DC has mentioned it a few times now, normally very reliable so I’ve no reason to doubt it.

I’ve been reading threads where some people to on wash their kids like this or even less often. I don’t want to cause a fall out unnecessarily

I initially read this thinking I was going to say YABU - I don't bath my kids daily - but five days! That's too many imo. They'll have had PE, been running around parks etc.

If DC has mentioned it - can they shower by themselves? What would your ex say if they asked? Maybe you could work on encouraging DC to shower by themselves so they don't need ex to initiate it? It is very sad that that's necessary though

I think DC needs to understand good hygiene as well as actually needing to be clean. I’m worried about him being smelly to his friends too.

@takealettermsjones
DC is young for his age, I don’t think he would just take himself to wash…especially in a shower he’s not familiar with using.

I have sort of said for him to ask ex but nothing has changed.

Is it unusual for him to be with his dad for 5 days at a time?

@CrocusesFlowering
relatively regularly.

There’s not bathing when he’s there for shorter times either but it’s not as much of an issue then. Basically, ex never washes DS.

Well you could start by teaching him to wipe his bottom properly after a poo.

He does but he just smells a bit musty if he doesn’t wash

I would not let my dc go for such long periods if their basic needs are not being met. It’s child neglect.

I think that would qualify as neglect. At 7 I would expect DC to do most, if not all, of the actual washing, but ex absolutely should be facilitating and making sure it happens.

Is he ensuring teeth are brushed?

I'm not sure what young for his age means but I think your circumstances are what they are, and as crap as his dad is being, I think I would start trying to drill it into DS that e.g. Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday are non-negotiable shower/bath days, no matter whose house he is at. Show him how to do everything, muscle your way into EXDH house to show him how to use that shower if you have to, and try to drum it into DS as a habit. I would definitely also raise it with his dad, but it would be a two-pronged attack for me.

It's a bit concerning that your 7 yo is smelly enough to need a daily bath. Are they not wiping properly? Or precocious puberty?

I always remember the kids at school without a mum were often the scruffy ones. Sad as some had lost their DM, but some men just don't get how important hygiene and presentation can be. He needs to be told for your DC's sakes.

he can get away with washing every other day but isnt that fresh by the end of it. I only notice if he asks me to check he’s wiped okay. 😷

There’s something a bit off with this OP

Why?

Of course you raise it with ex, it's neglect. I'm assuming ex doesn't ensure he cleans his teeth either?

Are the 5 days court ordered, because if it's voluntary then I would refuse to let DC stay there until it court ordered and get SS involved.

In the meantime have you bought DC any wipes/nappy sacks (non are flushable BTW despite the marketing saying they are) to help?

Does the child have any SN?

No SEN, there is a CAO in place.

DS says he brushes his teeth, not sure if it’s supervised.

He’s only just started going for this length of time. So, while he didn’t wash before, it wasn’t as much as an issue.

I wish CAO were regularly reviewed and any issues raised. Ex is HC

7 is rather old for you to have to be inspecting their arse after a poo.

It’s just a gut feeling I get having been on MN a long time.

of Course, that’s blatant neglect