To raise washing with ex?

[Smellysusan]

When DC is in my care, they are washed/bathed every day. They genuinely get smelly without (7 year old) around their bum area.

Ex never washes DC, even when they’re there for five days at a time.

I know we both have PR but AIBU to raise this? Am I being OTT?

He does not wash them for FIVE days at a time???!

yes you need to say something

Teach your child to do a quick wash of his bum area with a soapy flannel and send him with one for each night he's there?
Book a swimming lesson for the evening he's usually with his dad?

If you only notice when you're inspecting to see if he's wiped then I doubt his friends will notice.

Work on independence skills, by 7 mine showered themselves, at first I had to turn it on and off but they learn fast enough to do it alone. Their dad needs to ensure they know how to operate the shower and have a towel, flannel and shower gel but I suspect they presume a 7 year old is washing themselves, I would because mine did.

There's something very off with this. OP is named 'Smellysusan' what's the relevance of the name ? Do you also smell OP ?
How often does ExH shower ? If he's showering himself why isn't he making sure his child is showering ?
Poor kid. If you're complaining about his lack of hygiene what about his friends/classmates ?
Please don't let your child be the one that gets bullied because of his poor hygene.
There was a boy in my class bullied for exactly this. It was 50 years ago and I shudder when I now wonder what was going on at home.

Yes, he will sometimes stick him in the shower on handover day but he’s gone five days without washing before then.

My ex never thought to wash my kids as part of general day to day routines. But they weren't at all smelly at that age. They got bathed after getting muddy or going to the beach. Its not neglect though. When I was that age we had a weekly bath and so did everyone else, it was completely normal.

Why on earth is your 7 year old making you check his shitty arse?? He's seven, please teach him independence!

I think something is off too.. no one should need to come to Mumsnet to check neglect is unreasonable.

It’s this that made me question whether I was right to mention it..I’ve read posts before that say “bathe once a week”, etc

Eeeeh! It was one bath a week in second hand water when I was that age! I guess everyone smelled so it wasn't a problem 😆

You're both at the extreme ends imo. Once a day is OTT for 7 and probably why you think he's musty when he's normal. Otoh 5 days is too long. Split the difference and aim for 3 times a week.

I think a 7 yo should be able to wipe after BM sufficiently without asking to be checked.

Does he have constipation? Do his undies have skids? I think it's quite unusual for a child to smell that much. Five days isn't great but it's true back in the day kids often bathed only a couple times a week.

At 7, your child should be capable of showering by themselves, surely? If not, time to encourage and show your 7 year old how to do it, and ask that the father shows your child how to operate his shower too.

Five days is too long without a wash, I don’t bath/shower my youngest everyday as it makes his skin dry but he has a shower/bath probably every 3 days depending on what he has been up to.
He is younger then your child and will ask me to turn the shower on as he can’t reach it if he wants a wash, perhaps you could get your son to ask his Dad?
Assuming things are civil between you I would ask that he makes sure he has a shower/bath midway through his visit.
I nag at my older ones to shower as they are early teens/preteen and do start to smell if they showerdodge…but my 6 year old doesn’t smell at all in between showers.

Just teach them how to shower and wash themselves and give them a schedule
”Saturday night you have a shower before bed”

I have a 7 year old and they would never wash unless asked/coaxed/goaded/bribed/threatened…:and so on

have a word with ex. They need to parent here

Of course but they have to be told to go and do it

Once a week bath/shower for primary children can be sufficient.
Depends what they are doing and how smelly dirty they get.

One of our children has very sensitive skin and bath/shower really negatively impacts their skin too

Five days is awful but every day is very ott, they’re not teens! On the bum thing though it is hard then learning how to clean properly but it is going to be a problem in school if they need actual washing of that area daily as it means they smell at some stage over the day

There is something really off with this. Your seven year old boy asks you to check if he’s wiped properly after a poo?

I don’t really get the question- “should I say something”? You think he doesn’t wash his children for up to 5 days and you can just say “please wash them” and he’ll listen?!

You can raise it but if he's anything like my ex it'll fall on deaf ears. My 14yo sees this as a plus point and has chosen to live fulltime with dad! 🤦‍♀️ they absolutely reek but there's nothing i can do about it. I hate it. Ex himself washes religiously and doesnt smell, but does not apply this to his offspring. Cant tell you why.

DS once didn’t wipe properly and left marks in his pants, he now worries about it. He’s very conscientious of stuff like that so he sometimes asks me to check.

I can see how every day may seem OTT, but that does factor in swimming and that I always make sure he’s showered before going to his dad’s due to the lack of washing there.

I have sent ex a message anyway, I doubt it will make a difference.

Eww I make sure my 5 year old showers daily. Once a week is grim and they will smell. My 1 year old is bathed at least every other day. You can just use plain water for very sensitive skin