To think it is impossible not to dislike your body?

[Nearly40mumof4]

Just listening to the Emma Barnett podcast, ‘ready to talk’ with Billie Bhatia about fatphobia and her struggles with accepting her body. It is brilliant.
At one point she says that she has spent her whole life disliking her bigger body and has never been able to not think about it / what to eat/how to lose weight.

I’ve always struggled with my body, ranging from being skinny with eating restrictions to averagely slim, to a bit fat after having children, to the current situation of being a size 12. I look alright and have a very healthy main diet, but I’m either always binging secretly or restricting secretly and losing/gaining the same stone, sometimes in a fortnight. Food is certainly my drug and go to treatment for stress, sadness, comfort etc. I wonder if it’s ever possible to reach a stage of acceptance and just eat normally without the psycho drama? I eat healthily and am active through work (which unfortunately involves baking, so food is ever present), but now I have the obvious markers of 4 pregnancies like loose skin in my stomach, which I really hate. I want to be the person who can say ‘look at my wonderful body and what it has done for me’, but like Billie says in the podcast, I have never reached that point. Has anyone ever cracked this sort of thing and just accepted themselves? I want to be ‘body positive’ for my daughter and I keep all this a secret. I grew up watching my mum eat cottage cheese and celery for dinner and refusing to enjoy family meals because she was always trying to lose weight (even though she was only a size 10) and so I’m shielding my kids from any of that nonsense. No one who knows me would ever guess this stuff and it feels like a shameful secret.

YANBU.
One of the hardest things I had to accept in life was that no matter what I do, I’ll never be beautiful, or at least ok looking. I’m not sure where I got the idea that ugly ducklies will turn into swan eventually. Life is so excruciatingly long and my life would have been so, so different…
It’s hell, I would have given anything to look at least somewhat good and with that would’ve been treated better and feel like a normal person.

I have had miserable times with my (perfectly nice) body when much younger. It was another thing to add to the list of things I didn’t like about myself. I wish I could say there was a magical turning point, but honestly, I think I just got happier generally and my feelings about my weight and appearance improved along side.

i do think taking good care of yourself - strength and mobility training, walking with a favourite podcast(or person), good diet that isn’t restrictive , nourishing hobbies - really helps. You just need to build habits that make you feel well, and learn to accept that not every day is going to be great, and eating the whole contents of the biscuit tin won’t change that.

I definitely don’t dislike mine. I’m hugely into running so more focused on what my body can do than what it looks like.

When I’m heavier I don’t like my body much.

But when I’m happy in my clothes then I don’t dislike my body. Currently a 12 which for me I’m happy with and will wear a bikini this summer etc.

I’m covered in stretch marks but really couldn’t give two shits about covering them. Took me a while to get pregnant and I’m hugely proud of my DC and my body for making them.

My DH thinks I’m the sexiest woman alive (even when I’m fat), he’s the only person whose opinion I really care about. His genuine adoration of my body has made a huge difference over the last 20 years, so I have a lot to thank him for in that sense. As a teen I had no confidence.

I've never disliked my body. I really don't give it much thought.

I can see my teenage daughter is really happy with her body.

@ladymeade, I am similar to you and @Nearly40mumof4

I have always had issues with my body. I have never been overweight. This is partly to do with image, and specifically hating my stomach which has never been flat ans is the first place I put weight on. I have thought about a boob job and tummy tuck when I was younger. Now, I'd never do either.

I don't follow fashions, I don't get my eyelashes/nails/anything else done. I run and always have, to stay sane.

And I made myself sick frequently for well over a decade and will still fall back to this in times of high stress as a 42 year old mum of 3.

Sometimes this is because I feel so guilty for overeating. Sometimes this is because I feel really stressed and anxious, so I will literally go and eat enough to be able to make myself sick.

And no-one knows. My husband knew I was making myself sick, but not to the extent I did and certainly thinks it is firmly in the past.

It has improved a lot. I am calmer and happier and think about it less. I still need to be under a certain weight to feel okay. But I know it is not important to look a certain way, and as the OP says, this is more than that.

My DD has put on a huge amount of weight. I hsve tried so hard to not pass my issues on to her- she has got a lot of issues and isn't doing very well, but restricting or binging are not her issues, so I think this at least is very well hidden for me.

Achieving a feeling of neutrality about my body woild be amazing. ADHD meds have quietened a load of noise in my head and that has also helped.

Youre definitely not alone OP but I also know I am not normal and it is not normal to feel like this

I can very much relate.
For me, its getting worse as I get older. I'm deeply embarrassed of my body in my 50s.

I literally hate myself and avoid looking at myself if at all possible.

I'm not overweight but the changes due to menopause are horrible.

Hugs and support to you.. xx

I hate my body but I always have and know I probably always will . I have very low self worth and am highly critical of myself. I don’t however, have these feelings about other people and will actively go out of my way to make other people feel good about themselves and I’m a people pleaser . I’ve had therapy and am currently back at it but it’s something I’ve come to accept Is part of who I am. I am also ND so feel that may have some bearing on how I feel. I don’t talk about my weight or body image in front of my children to hopefully ensure they never become like me.

I can’t say I’ve ever disliked my body. I’m 45, with cancer and all the scars and pain that goes along with that, and have been a size 16 most of my adult life.

Sometimes I get frustrated that it doesn’t work as well as I’d like it to. Because I’d like to be more active than I’m physically able to be. But I’m content with my appearance. I’m not at all thin or conventionally attractive.

But I grew up with a mum who was constantly criticising her body, always on a diet (but not slim), always miserable about the food she could and could not eat. So that put me right off. I’ve been on a diet once in my life, at 18, I did Atkin’s in solidarity with her for 2 weeks, then was like fuck if I can eat another omelette! 😂 I have no complaints about my body. I’m grateful so far it’s kept me alive despite all that has happened to it.

@Literallywingingit same here. I am late disgnosed autistic and ADHD.

I heard on a programme about eating disorders that a huge proportion of anorexics are autistic and it was suggesting all those in inpatient units be at least screened for autism.

This resonates partly with me and the need for control, my weight to be a certain number (regardless of how i look) and other things.

TBH I dont think many women, me included, spend a lot of time thinking about our bodies and when we do, we don't overthink them. It's not a big topic of interest to me, but I think I look ok

Does your attitude to your body stem from your childhood? Did your parents teach you to be an emotional eater - give you food to cheer you up, for example? Did your parents criticise your body?

I am very happy with my body. It’s never been perfect - my thighs could be thinner, for example - but I am lucky to be so healthy. It is this body that enables me to do everything I do. And the older I get the more I hear about physical problems other people have had that I don’t. You just don’t realise this stuff when you’re young.

People who basically love their body relish the chance to do their best by it. They are excited to nourish it with healthy food, to resist the unnecessary cake. They notice how great they feel when they treat their body well. This is the opposite attitude to feeling you are always depriving yourself. I must say, eating a wide variety of unprocessed foods, lots of fruit and vegetables and nuts and seeds, and minimal sugar or refined carbs, works very well for me. It’s not a diet, it’s a way of life. You’re not depriving yourself, you’re excited to max out the nutrition and pleasure you can get from good food. And you can walk past a whole garage shop as irrelevant, because you know nothing in there is relevant to you. Plus it would make you feel worse if you ate it. It simplifies everything.

I have tried to replicate my own parents’ food attitudes with my children, and they have all turned out with good attitudes towards their bodies and food. I never once commented on their weight throughout their whole childhoods. (Kids do sometimes chub up naturally before a growth spurt but if they’re eating ok they will slim down again). I haven’t mentioned their looks much - I have even been cautious about praising their looks, because kids can interpret that kind of thing in unexpected ways - thinking their looks are very important and have to be maintained at all costs. I have never linked food to emotion - none of that tucking unto a tub of ice cream because you’re unhappy that you see on American TV. Not have I guilt-tripped them into eating because of all the love and effort I have poured into preparing the food. I have taught them about healthy food and done my best to feed it to them but I have never been fundamentalist about it (that can create anxiety issues). I have hugged them and kissed them to show how lovable their bodies are.

I think you have to reprogram your brain, sit in front of a mirror and repeat out loud ‘I am beautiful, I love and approve of myself exactly as I am’

Do this every day for 6 months, whenever you hear a negative thought creeping in to your head, say it again out loud (if possible.)

You can change your opinion on yourself and if you have a dd loving your body is especially important imo.

I apologise in advance if someone else has already said this, because I have read some but don't have time to read all the comments, but have you considered having some therapy? Using food as a drug and continuously gaining and losing weight is not healthy and could even be described as an eating disorder. I strongly urge you to seek help in order to achieve what you are trying to, which is not passing your neuroses on to your daughter. It strikes me that it's not normal to even give this much credence to your appearance, assuming you are in a healthy weight range, and let it affect your life to the extent that you are posting on here. I hope you know that your worth as a person extends to so much more than your body!

I think dislike for your body comes from the media. I was reading a guardian article today about how Epstein and his client ths Victoria's secret founder promoted a version of femininity based on pre adolescence and that feeds through into how women's bodies are presented and expected to be. So while there are areas of my body I'm not fond of (stretch marks from pregnancy) at the same time I'd say overall I feel quite positive about my body. But what I try to do is focus on what I like about other women's bodies and faces and look for the positives in them (there always are) and this helps me feel more positive about myself too.

I had zero body issues until after my first baby was born, when I was 28.

I agree with @ValBiro, that there are some reading and not commenting. Because my experiences with other women and their weight has not and is not that most people are totally happy with what's going on.

And I also think it's really dismissive of @JaneFondue and others who are irritated that OP has framed this as a woman problem. It is a woman problem. It might not be a "you" problem, but I remember working in an office in an all female team and them literally having nothing to talk about other than dieting and weight and what was next to eat.

This feels similar to those posts about being fat - if you've not struggled with your weight (and I'm not talking about gaining weight and then losing it, I'm talking about gaining weight and then really struggling, for a long time, to lose it) then you simply cannot understand the perspective of the person that struggles. So, if you've never felt your body is not what it should be, then of course it's going to seem odd that other people feel that way.

I can appreciate how amazing my body is at the same time as not liking how it looks. I loved my body when I was 2 stone lighter, I looked fit and healthy. I'm a size 12/14 now, so not huge, but I hate how I look! I think i look unhealthy, wobbly, frumpy and lazy. Clothes look awful, my rings dont fit me any more and my thighs rub together. I've always been slim so it feels like a stranger in the mirror. Unfortunately I love sugar too much 😫

In terms of eating, yes, but it comes from making a radical change in mindset.

Switching focus to self care and compassion, plus eating to be in the best health and nutrition to support the body and mind.

It doesn’t mean never eating less healthy food but pausing to make an actual choice about it.

Meditation could be helpful, I use the headspace app.

Body wise obviously we go through changes, we are not going to look the same at 50 as 20.

The Potion (body horror film) with Demi Moore is quite interesting to watch and reflect on.

I guess we hang out with different types of women.

It's not dismissive to say that it is possible for a woman to be ok with her body. Not madly happy, just ok or neutral.

Your being in an office full of dieters doesn't change that. Some women may hate their bodies. That's not all.

Next: Is it possible for a woman to want to age naturally without Botox? Let's not normalise this self hatred.

I don’t dislike my body. I’m 49 now so it’s starting to show its age a bit! I could probably pick at bits that I am less keen on (the lipoma on my leg, the dihydritic excema on my feet, the large moles/brown patches under my boobs, etc.) but overall my body is pretty great - it birthed a kid, it carries me about all day, it can trampoline and climb hills… It’s not changed a whole lot (a bit plumper) over the years which maybe helps. I don’t know how you find peace with yours if it’s always bothered you.

I think almost everyone has elements of their body that they dislike for different reasons at various times in their lives; however, I feel that your early years have had a much more profound effect on your psyche than you are conscious of. It is admirable that you are keen to break that cycle of behaviour for your children, but it might be helpful for you to undergo some counselling / therapy to support your ambitions and, thereby, change your unconscious mindset which seems to keep on sabotaging your best of intentions.

I didn't say it's dismissive for a woman to be ok with her body. I said I think it's dismissive to say it's not a woman problem. It is a woman problem, because weight is not something that consumes men in the same way as it does women.

I am well aware that that women, or men, are able to be ok or neutral.

Also - I am not normalising this self-hatred, because it already IS normalised! I'm sorry, but are you being deliberately obtuse? Magazines with alternating articles on this "fat" celeb or other, then this one's exercise video, then oh no, same celeb is now looking too thin! Why on earth would that be? Not to mention - men being allowed "dad bods" but women, despite being the beings that grew and birthed the actual baby, being talked to about "bouncing back" and how to get back to your pre-pregnancy body, and if you don't, then commentary about how you've let yourself go. If all this passed you by - then I would say, go and look at the reporting on Kelly Osborne over the last maybe 20 years? Or read any string of comments on a an exercise video that a woman has posted. Or read comments about once beautiful women who are now older, and how they are no longer deemed fuckable so it's a free-for-all on being nasty about her looks and body.

I am a huge supporter of women learning to love their bodies - but some of us have been bombarded with the above for so many years, and have lived in bodies that aren't doing what we want for so long, that it seems impossible. You being snarky about that doesn't change it. And it is disingenuous to pretend that the world around us doesn't have an impact on the way we feel about ourselves.

As to your Botox comment - so you recognise that there may be some women who are so unhappy with their looks they get literal poison injected into their faces, regardless of what it looks like, but not that there are women who are really unhappy with their bodies, regardless of what it looks like?

Ok.