To think it is impossible not to dislike your body?

[Nearly40mumof4]

Just listening to the Emma Barnett podcast, ‘ready to talk’ with Billie Bhatia about fatphobia and her struggles with accepting her body. It is brilliant.
At one point she says that she has spent her whole life disliking her bigger body and has never been able to not think about it / what to eat/how to lose weight.

I’ve always struggled with my body, ranging from being skinny with eating restrictions to averagely slim, to a bit fat after having children, to the current situation of being a size 12. I look alright and have a very healthy main diet, but I’m either always binging secretly or restricting secretly and losing/gaining the same stone, sometimes in a fortnight. Food is certainly my drug and go to treatment for stress, sadness, comfort etc. I wonder if it’s ever possible to reach a stage of acceptance and just eat normally without the psycho drama? I eat healthily and am active through work (which unfortunately involves baking, so food is ever present), but now I have the obvious markers of 4 pregnancies like loose skin in my stomach, which I really hate. I want to be the person who can say ‘look at my wonderful body and what it has done for me’, but like Billie says in the podcast, I have never reached that point. Has anyone ever cracked this sort of thing and just accepted themselves? I want to be ‘body positive’ for my daughter and I keep all this a secret. I grew up watching my mum eat cottage cheese and celery for dinner and refusing to enjoy family meals because she was always trying to lose weight (even though she was only a size 10) and so I’m shielding my kids from any of that nonsense. No one who knows me would ever guess this stuff and it feels like a shameful secret.

OP - I'm very thin and always have been. It doesn't mean that there haven't been struggles with my body, though.

I was relentlessly bullied for my weight at school.

As an adult people seem to think it's ok to comment on my size, ask if I have an eating disorder, yell at me in the street to eat a burger etc. Men in particular seem happy to tell me that I'm not curvy enough for their liking. Even people I'd consider close friends have posted those 'real women have curves', 'real men don't want sticks' type memes, which find hurtfulb- even though no doubt they are only thinking of their own insecurities when they post them.

Clothes aren't always easy, and there are loads of styles that don't suit me because I lack shape.

My stomach is wrinkly and wobbly since I had my children. My bum is sagging as I age.

Now I have a medical condition that affects my ability to eat and am fighting to keep weight on and stay healthy - made all the more difficult by being borderline underweight in the first place.

All this to say - being thin doesn't solve all one's problems / body issues. Nonetheless, no, I don't hate my body. And neither should you.

I could have written your post.

I‘ve been on a diet in some form or another since I was 15. I‘ve never been fat, but I‘ve never been happy with my body either.

It‘s really quite sad.

I'm 40 this year and happier than ever, I've got saggy skin, new lines on my face, a furrowed brow I'm slim(ISH), with sticky out collar bones and a flat arse but it's housed three kids, it's come back from being broken numerous times, it's climbed mountains, done marathons and been through the mill a few times.

Boobs have been better 😂 what other posters have said I used to hate my body. I'd punish it with restrictive diets and generally thought I was horrendous.

Bodies are amazing. Think about your liver, kidneys, spleen, stomach all doing their thing without you maybe even knowing where they are. Hair growing, heart pumping. Arms and legs articulating. I've got flabby thighs but who cares when you compare that with the miracle of what bodies do.

OP, in your shoes I'd try hypnosis. It really helped me with a phobia. It would be great if you could 'reset' your thinking. But failing that, therapy.

I accept my body for what it is there is more to life than being obsessed by looks

I would prefer to be thinner, but no I don’t hate my body, I’m old but I feel strong, and womanly.

I don't hate my body. I'm in my 50s and have had three kids so I could be a bit less flabby or have less cellulite but most of the time it's healthy and functioning and I'm grateful for that. I'm currently undergoing treatment for cancer and I'm glad to be alive.

I was always self conscious about my body. I was an hourglass which drew me a lot of attention which I was never comfortable with. I put on weight easily, and that made the attention worse. I felt I was always in a losing battle with my body. I wanted to be lean and athletic, it wasn’t happening. I always dressed to try and hide bust and bum, but because I had a slim waist I just looked bigger in baggy clothes, and too sexual in tight ones. I worried about cellulite and always did the big glow up thing before a bikini holiday. Liked myself briefly a week or so after a holiday and then after a week of non restricted eating, felt self conscious again.

But I am late middle age now. I am a size 14, still an hourglass whose sand has settled around the middle, cellulite, lumps and bumps. Sometimes I see myself in a mirror and think mmm, a bit podgy there, but that is rare these days. I have shifted into that neutral state. If I go on a beach holiday there is no manic pre holiday glow up. I am not happy with my body, but not unhappy. I don’t care if people think I am doughy, or have cellulite or scars, I am no longer interested in others opinions of me. I am married too, and don’t care what he thinks either, not that he would say anything. It has been one of the better things about ageing. I am just thankful to be healthy and fit. I don’t envy others their bodies either, this type of focus on bodies, mine and others, has just gone. Looking back, I had a banging bod, I didn’t appreciate it, and it the feeling of not feeling I fit the look of the moment, took up too much headspace and too much fruitless time worrying about nothing. Shifting to neutral is highly recommended.

I agree OP. I’ve spent a lifetime obsessing over my weight and I’ve never been outside what is considered a ‘normal’ BMI.
All over social media now are women in their 40’s and 50’s pushing and pushing the ‘strong’ healthy body image - all well and good but they are still all size 10 and lower and seem to be just as obsessed with diet and exercise, just now it’s all high protein and strength training to achieve the ‘perfect’ body. Still a form of Orthorexia IMO as it’s still a form of food obsession concerned with having the prefect figure even if perfect is now considered to be strong over skinny. It’s still massively unobtainable for most people.

Absolutely this! Obsessing about your own body when in reality everyone else is feeling equally anxious and doesn't really notice or care. Because ultimately it comes down to friendship, bonds, personality.

Indeed be grateful you have all parts working, which can be toned/changed/covered up etc. It's so sad the superficiality of wasting so much time and energy about judging what you've been given.

As Liz Taylor said when asked what it was like to be so beautiful...it's all just about skin on bones in different places or something to that effect. Xxx

Same. I know it's a real issue and lots of people struggle with it but assuming it's the default makes it worse.

There are bits I'd prefer to be different, but I don't dislike myself because I don't live up to my body ideals, in the same way that I'd love to be wealthy bit I don't dislike myself because I'm average.

There is nothing all women or all men agree with so why would all women think the same about bodies, why cant people understand not all women are one brain

I like mine. It is far from "insta-perfect", but that isn't something I find worth striving for anyway.

It's strong, mostly healthy, mostly pain free. It does have scars and stretch marks and cellulite. It has some unusual proportions and it certainly didn't adhere to the "super-skinny" image that was trending when I was a teenager, which caused much angst at the time.

But now I am now very grateful for the body that I have and everything it has done and continues to do for me.

Please get some therapy with someone who specialises in body image.

I don’t dislike my body, nor do I love it. It just is. And I felt the same when pregnant, post partum, at various points in my life.

There are some practical things that I wish worked better, eg I have a bit of a neck problem that causes me headaches. But outward appearance wise I am neutral, leaning positive.

Hi OP, sorry you have battled with this for so long, it's not a nice way to feel at all. I have more or less cracked this since having my kids and I'd say my weight, and feelings about my weight, sound reasonably similar to yours over the years. When I had my kids I just made the conscious decision to like my body. I know that sounds much easier said than done. It has taken time but I think probably the first step is not to feel ashamed of how you feel right now. You've years of societal conditioning, and, without wishing to criticise your Mum, her attitude to weight will have significantly impacted you. So I'd say, start by stopping feeling bad about how you feel. Not liking your body right now is completely understandable given where you're coming from. Then start trying to catch yourself and challenge your thinking. All the things like, 'Would I say that / think that about a friend', reminding yourself your body gave you four (four!) beautiful children, stuff others have said here about appreciating health and so on. I also reminded myself that one of the single most powerful acts a woman can do in our patriarchal society is to love herself as she is at every stage of her life. Two fingers up to everyone trying to make money out of our insecurities, they can get to fuck. I don't know if any of that will help you, but some of it helped me.

I love my body.
I feel privileged it has kept me alive all these years.
I don't spend much time thinking about what I look like though
I used to have an amazing figure. I don't now - a heavy course of steroids put paid to that. But I am alive and I enjoy life and I have no desire to live the vacuous existence of a supermodel/influencer

I don’t think most people think like that at all. I’m naturally slim but have had cancer twice and have no breasts at all, having had them cut off, but I still think I look nice, even naked.

I hate my body....if it worked well on the inside I could probably be more forgiving of what's on the outside. But it has let me down at every turn despite me doing everything seemingly "right". It's a total liability

This I’m the same. I remember being a teenager and worrying my boobs weren’t big enough etc etc . My body was fine back then I don’t know why I was critical now I am much happier even though I would imagine after two pregnancies I have a body that would be considered much less attractive by conventional standards. I think it’s very unusual for any woman to have always been perfectly happy with their body for their whole life . When you look at what used to be in magazines when I was a teenager like a massive headline “such and such celebrity spotted on the beach with cellulite” it’s not difficult to understand why women feel this way

@Nearly40mumof4 I find myself nodding at your posts. Apart from I only have one child, your perspective on food and body image mirrors mine.
I was bulimic from my early 20s to mid 30s and managed to recover from this with self therapy and the love and support of a wonderful man. Alas the psychological hooks are still there (albeit I can deal with overeating without thinking of making myself sick) and Christmas is particularly difficult.

What I find frustrating is I actually love my body naked/ in under wear. I’m quite muscular so don’t look especially skinny/lean and bigger chested also so in certain clothes and photos I can look chubby (even though I have a very flat tummy), but I look great stripped down! I probably just need to learn to dress better, but I do wish I liked my body clothed as much as I do unclothed!

View your body the way you view your friends and loved ones bodies. You would never think to yourself that you’re going to stop loving your best friend because she suddenly has very visible wrinkles on her face or that you don’t want to spend as much time with your sibling because they’re wearing a bigger size in their jeans. They feel exactly the same way about you.

Our bodies are instruments, not ornaments. They are there to help us do amazing things, not to sit and look pretty. We take so many of the amazing things our bodies do for granted every single day. Just being able to walk on our two legs outside in the beautiful spring setting, to hear the birds singing with our ears and see the wonderful new daffodils and spring life with our eyes are all things that our bodies do for us and not everybody has the privilege of.

At your funeral your nearest and dearest won’t be saying how much they’ll miss your slim body or perfectly smooth skin, they’ll be saying what a kind, caring and funny person you were and that they’ll miss that dearly.

It’s so sad if you truly think about it just how amazing our bodies are and what they do for us on a daily basis and help us achieve and experience and we still can’t appreciate them, thank them and nourish them with love.

Be kinder to yourself everyone 🩷

I've never hated my body, even when I hit 25 stone.

I very rarely think about how I look or what other people think about how I look. I care what people think about the things I do and say though.

I find it to be very freeing - I choose my clothes based on fabrics and textures that feel nice to wear and don't bother with makeup as I don't like the way it feels on my skin.

I do feel like I was born like this rather than it being something that I choose though. I have vivid memories of watching my older family members doing fashion/make-up related things and not understanding the appeal. I just assumed that it's something I would grow into as I aged, and when my friends started caring and I still didn't, I just figured they were developing faster than me. It wasn't until I hit 20 and still didn't care that I realised it wasn't going to happen.

I try not to judge people who do get anxiety / self loathing about their bodies; if I didn't choose to not care, it's just as likely they didn't choose to care and it's just how they were born too.

What does size 12 even mean? It can mean big on some and skinny on others, depending on your height and build. I think it is pretty normal for women to always think their bodies could be better although I realise there are some who don't care. It's like a form of conditioning almost from the day you are born, that you should be slim, pretty and all-round perfect, even if rationally you don't believe it.