To think it is impossible not to dislike your body?

[Nearly40mumof4]

Just listening to the Emma Barnett podcast, ‘ready to talk’ with Billie Bhatia about fatphobia and her struggles with accepting her body. It is brilliant.
At one point she says that she has spent her whole life disliking her bigger body and has never been able to not think about it / what to eat/how to lose weight.

I’ve always struggled with my body, ranging from being skinny with eating restrictions to averagely slim, to a bit fat after having children, to the current situation of being a size 12. I look alright and have a very healthy main diet, but I’m either always binging secretly or restricting secretly and losing/gaining the same stone, sometimes in a fortnight. Food is certainly my drug and go to treatment for stress, sadness, comfort etc. I wonder if it’s ever possible to reach a stage of acceptance and just eat normally without the psycho drama? I eat healthily and am active through work (which unfortunately involves baking, so food is ever present), but now I have the obvious markers of 4 pregnancies like loose skin in my stomach, which I really hate. I want to be the person who can say ‘look at my wonderful body and what it has done for me’, but like Billie says in the podcast, I have never reached that point. Has anyone ever cracked this sort of thing and just accepted themselves? I want to be ‘body positive’ for my daughter and I keep all this a secret. I grew up watching my mum eat cottage cheese and celery for dinner and refusing to enjoy family meals because she was always trying to lose weight (even though she was only a size 10) and so I’m shielding my kids from any of that nonsense. No one who knows me would ever guess this stuff and it feels like a shameful secret.

YABU. I've never disliked my body. It works really well, and looks great, with or without clothes. Apart from wishing I was a bit more flexible, I'm really happy with it. 😊

Do you do any sport op? I find that really helps - seeing your body more as a vessel that allows you to do something physical enables you to view it differently- I run a lot and am thankful my body is strong and fast and allows me to compete and go on long trail runs and enter marathons. So even though, if I am being objective, I have slightly chunky thighs and my legs are short for my height, they are also strong, powerful and take me to cool places, so it balances it all out! the same could work for any other sport, doesn’t have to be running.

Said with kindness, your experience is not how most people feel regardless of what they look like. Maybe some therapy would be helpful for you to explore your beliefs about yourself and your body.

I have been as large as a size 16, and I am currently for the most part a size 10. I have at times disliked how I look, and felt disappointment when I have seen unflattering photos where I look really fat. I have always identified positive aspects about my appearance. Even when a size 16. I think my mindset and judgement of myself is fair, balanced and accurate.

I think I (and I imagine most people) tend to be quite objective. I can look at myself and think, well, I am a size 10, I'm a perfectly normal size... No one would call me skinny, no one would call me fat, I have bits of my body that look good, and bits of my body that don't look good. I don't like my saggy belly that pokes out, it looks unflattering in tight clothes. I don't like my bingo wings and would be averse to wearing a vest top. But I don't sit there and wallow or get upset about it. That's completely pointless. Instead, I stay objective and I'm methodically making choices and doing actions to better myself. I do think if we didn't care at all about our appearance we wouldn't make an effort. Therefore it's normal to not like things about ourselves and that's fine, it motivates us to make healthy changes and make improvements. The difference is bringing emotions into it, where it impacts on our self worth.

I don't remember ever feeling that way even when I was young.
I'm 67 now and look ok physically I think, I don't really look in a mirror much tbh. But so many health problems which are way more important. I'd trade being slim and looks for perfect health any day. At least if I was overweight I could fix it.

Try reading Ogden’s the Psychology of Eating. It goes in depth about why you’re feeling how you are and what causes it… beginning with your mother, TV, the food industry etc.

Id say it was mostly your mum. If your female role model from birth hates their body how can you learn to see it as anything other than hate able?

I agree. Sympathies OP that you feel like this but a hard disagree. Not everyone dislikes their bodies and its not normal or healthy to do so so please don’t assume it is.

I have never had a perfect body: I am slightly overweight and have been for most of my life. I have never had a model figure and I certainly won’t now.

But I refuse to turn social judgement into self hatred. My life is too short and too precious and its too important to me not to pass this onto my daughter.

My body works thankfully and while its not perfect I simply won’t allow this kind of self hatred in.

I kind of like mine. It's not been particularly kind to me with an immune system that sees most bits of it (and a load of other things like food) as the Enemy, but it resolutely, stubbornly refuses to completely give up and I rattle on, wondering what wondrous and probably rather painful, restrictive or aesthically displeasing surprise it's got in store for me next.

I suspect, like me, it has issues with attention. It's clearly bored and thought 'I know! I'll do something messy and a bit painful and uncomfortable and have her maybe needing some surgery - I know - let's chuck some severe adenomyosis into the mix! And it'll put all her autoimmune and musculoskeletal diagnoses in question in the process due to the inflammation! And it'll fuck with her HRT! That'll be fun!'.

But it keeps on battering on. So I still like it.

Lucky you. “I have better things to think about” is an incredibly dismissive thing to say. I have deep rooted issues with my body and I’ve battled with it my whole life, literally as long as I can remember. I know it’s not normal and I know it’s irrational. I don’t know why my brain is wired this way. I also have many many other things in my life to worry about, things you might consider “real” problems but that doesn’t make how I feel about myself a frivolous thing that I should just decide to stop thinking about.

Totally with you and you’re not the pariah some posters are making you out to be. I spend my life looking at other women and wondering what their lifestyles are like to remain slim. No, not a healthy way to think and it’s exhausting, but that is my reality which I try and deal with. Have always been very body conscious from about age 10 (child of the 70’s). I don’t think it is that weird in my age group, it very much depends on the social ‘norms’ you grew up with. I think you either adopt the message or actively defy it. I wish I could embrace my body but I can’t. Some people can, which is great and I’m pleased they can but let’s not beat each other up about it. If you struggle I hope you find solace and a route through. Maybe for some of us the struggle will remain real and we need to kind of accept it. Btw I’ve done a lot of therapy and my inner voice remains the same.

I am mildly irritated by the way OP has framed this. That's why I sound dismissive.
She could have said " Is anyone else obsessed with their body" rather than assume every woman alive hates her body.
If you hate your body, get help. Not assume this is a woman thing.

You don't have to love it, you just need to move into feeling neutral about it which is a more achievable goal.
But if you really want to love your body, I highly recommend to take up powerlifting or Olympic lifting. There is nothing quite like deadlifting double your body weight or getting your first 45kg split jerk and thinking "wow, my body can do that". Also makes you see food and body weight completely differently. Food very quicky becomes the way to fuel your workouts and weight on the scale becomes meaningless as you start focusing on gaining muscle mass to support your lifts over fitting into that size 8 dress.

I’m with you on this. I did vote YABU because I know nobody else in real life who feels the way I feel about my body, I hear them expressing dislikes etc, but I wouldn’t even be able to express a dislike out loud it’s so deeply internalised and uncomfortable for me. So I relate to what you are saying and very much empathise/sympathise

Surely, unless you are a total bloody narcissist there will always be a degree of self critique?

if i could id genetically enhance it, and tweak it but overall its not a bad body yes it could be better

@ZebraPyjamasI hear you 🙌🏼

Comimg to terms with ageing is not narcissism. It's reality.

I feel similar to you OP, it has always felt sort of normal to me because it seems to be a common thread amongst people I know.
i am 50 and being a teen girl in the 90s was very toxic, I went to an all girls school when the main sport was competitive undereating and we were bombarded by magazines etc body shaming women. Maybe I shouldn’t have paid attention to the messages but I did so I can’t undo it. It is a very hard mindset to unlearn, I have never had an eating disorder but have also never not thought about the impact of what I eat/drink on my weight. Luckily the counter to this was that I was also always active and took up weightlifting as a teen who has stood me well fitness wise into middle age. I don’t honestly see how young girls now are any different (I don’t have a daughter to know for sure) but social media and comments on news sites are always still so critical of women’s bodies, finding flaw with women’s’ bodies. It’s like the 90sx 100 in the comments section sometimes and it’s scary

I dont love my body but I don’t dislike it either. It is what it is, I do focus on exercise and eating healthy but I don’t focus on what my body looks like

Since WLI i actually have thrown your whole post out of the window......(you were/are my way of thinking) I now realise that sometimes a little bit of what you fancy does you good, its not a "Sin" "Syn" "point" or (and I've been reliably informed) a SWIP?.... I've also had an epiphany that if people dont like me for being me then its on them....... maybe its because I'm old. (42)... but i think it's a.state of mind. The older I get the more I just dont give a fuck. (Actually reading back I think I've missed the entire point of thread)

...meh
..
Ive typed it now so dont really care.....😂

Not always as easy as “get help” either. I’ve tried counselling numerous times, hasn’t changed a thing, so I’m just living with it. To be honest I didn’t realise for a long long time that most people don’t feel the same way I do, because I never talked about it, but eventually I did realise and I only then realised how abnormal my way of thinking is.

Body Dysmorphia is akin to OCD. It involves frequent intrusive, negative thoughts about specific aspects of your appearance and acting out compulsions to try to manage the distress.
It’s a complex disorder which usually has a massive impact on day to day functioning.

Narcissism = self obsession. Constantly thinking about how your body looks to the world - whether positively or negatively- could be described as self-obsessed.

Therefore a lack of self critique is by definition the opposite of narcissism! Neutrality is healthy! Not thinking about how you look is healthy!

OP I really think you need to access therapy to work through your body issues. This isn’t a healthy way to live.
I don’t hate my body. Having spent more time than I care to remember on different fast track cancer pathways in the last few years, I’m grateful my body is healthy, strong and looks great. My skin is better than ever in my 40’s and my curves are bloody brilliant. This isn’t being arrogant. But you do have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. Self esteem issue ruin relationships.
And as PP’s have said, ageing really helps to ensure you give zero fucks about what other people think.

I think it's amazing that there are so many women on here who are happy with how their body looks, but I think many more maybe don't want to stick their neck out to agree with the OP.

After all, like she said, it is shameful, when it could be so much worse, and many of us have young daughters we try to hide it from. If the beauty and diet industry and media is doing the job it has always done so well, setting the unattainable standard and trying to sell something back to us to get there... Which it very much looks like it is, I think many women feel this way.

I try very hard to love mine for what it can do, not how it looks. But it is an internal struggle.

I asked my friend recently whether if there were a different injection, or let's call it some sort of hypnosis, that would take away all the negative chatter and you'd be happy looking just like you do, bumpy and wrinkled and a bit saggy and a bit chubby, but strong and healthy, would you take it? Or would you opt for the injection to make you thinner but not particularly strong or healthy?
I'd go for the first one, which shows it only matters to me, I know deep down it doesn't matter how other people perceive me and it would be much better to not care!

Also it is not to do with negative self image to do with weight. In order for it to be diagnosed, it needs to be first ruled out that an eating disorder does not better explain the symptoms. Though it is possible to have both, they are entirely separate. The most common areas people with body dysmorphic disorder focus on are the skin and facial features followed by breasts for women and muscles for men.