Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

[KeepOff]

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

I bet she has figured out what he is like by now! If not she soon will! So in response to your question no i would move on and live your life.

I'd at least tell him that I knew....
Really not sure if I'd tell her though....

Yes you must tell her. I would be more hurt that other knew and I didn’t. Like making a fool out of me. So yes tell her

I would absolutely want to know if my partner was cheating on me.

It always amuses me when someone says that the person who tells will 'ruin the life' of the betrayed spouse. First off, the cheater has already done that. Secondly, they act as if living in ignorance is really preferable to knowing the truth and that's ridiculous. Yes, it's going to cause pain. But after the pain will come the ability to make a decision about one's life based on the entire truth, not half truths or lies. Everyone deserves that and no one deserves to have their choices taken away.

This is no different than withholding a cancer diagnosis. We all believe that the patient has the right to know and to guide their life in the direction they want it to go. Why shouldn't a betrayed spouse?

Thanks so much to those who have engaged with the question I asked. Still doesn’t feel like an easy decision and I’m wondering if I should tell her about the recent phone call and then say there’s more, but it was in the past so I will leave it up to you if you would like to know/ happy to answer questions etc.

This has hit the nail on the head @AcrossthePond55 because the crux of the dilemma was always ‘does she have a right to know’ even if it’s difficult to hear/bad news. I agree with you. I think she does. There is no other way she would find this out without me telling her and he’s obviously not going to.

This question perhaps poses a wider observation about people keeping quiet about wrongdoing vs whistleblowing. Whistleblowers more often than not experience negative consequences for doing so but they do it anyway because it is the right thing to do. I wonder how many of the ‘don’t tell’ would turn a blind to other wrongdoing? 🤔

Didn’t turn to an affair, but I was told that my then bf was attempting to try it on with a friend of mine, and I still feel - 22 years on- very grateful to be told

Never. Because it's none of my business.
At best, the person would just think I'm interfering.
At worst, it could cause untold pain and damage for a number of people - why on earth would anyone want to do that?

Having read all responses, I’m still in ‘Team Tell’.
I would ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY want to know if I were in her shoes.

You don't know this woman, you owe her no debt of honesty and she is unlikely to believe you are contacting her in good faith.

Most people don't want to hear from a stranger that their husband has been unfaithful. It's bad enough hearing it from someone you know and trust who you can be sure is motivated by good intentions.

When it comes from a stranger, especially one who might have an axe to grind, it is unlikely to be welcome.

Whatever your true motives, you must leave this woman alone. She doesn't need to hear what you have got to say. She has been with him long enough to know who and what he is.

They are no longer part of your life. They can sort themselves out without you.

Let them go.

Block him and get a life/ get on with your life

Generally, I would tell, because I would want to be told in that situation, and the person has the right to know about their sexual health being at risk, life choices etc, the cancer analogy is very good.

However, in this case I wouldn’t, because you don’t know her. But the next time he contacted me I would engage enough to get something in writing eg ‘we’re divorced’, ‘I left her’, ‘I’d love to spend the night with you’ then I’d tell him if he ever contacted you again you would send her all the screenshots.

He is blocked. OP has stated this repeatedly.

She obviously left at least one avenue of communication open to him, so she hasn't really blocked him. I wonder why...

He calls on withheld numbers. She has regular calls from withheld numbers due to her daughter’s medical needs. OP has also stated this.

You can click ‘read all posts by OP’ and it makes it much less to read.

Nope.
Protect your peace

Just ignore and move on. Don't let his drama into your life. Maybe the social media is out of date/ deliberately misleading, and they are actually separated? If his wife is abusive maybe she already found out what a shit he is and that triggered the abuse. Liars usually use a grain of truth.

I would tell her as has contacted you after all this time and lied about the state of his marriage. I think most people would want to know and it may help her make a decision about her marriage. If she doesn't want to know, you have nothing to lose as you don't know her. The fact that you didn't tell her after you found out about him cheating on you suggests you are not bitter and vindictive and are trying to do the right thing.

I have tried this a few times but he has never messaged me, he has only ever contacted me on a withheld number. He did once email ‘happy birthday’ but it’s hardly incriminating. I have recently got to grips with screen record so I will use that if he calls again. I didn’t think to do that this time because I was so surprised to hear from him.

Thank you for taking on the task of pointing this out

Thanks. I will move on either way. I’m not as invested as this thread would make it seem. Just aware that there’s only a small window where I could reasonably tell her because it’s just happened and keen to do the right thing.

The reason I know they’re still together is that she has changed her profile picture a few times since January, to different ones of them together; the last time just a week ago. He also changed his to one of them together in early Jan. Both profiles state ‘married’. I just can’t see any of that being the case if he’d left her like he claims. He’s a good liar, I’ll give him that.

I understand the dillema, OP.

I think I'd just send a message asking if they have separated because that's what he told you but his profile doesn't look that way.

But if I have read this right, you only just figured out when they got together by looking at her old posts? I wouldn't be admitting I trawled through 7 years of social media (side note- why did you block him 7 years ago if it was amicable at the time?)! But if she asks about who you are I would say "I was in a relationship with him years ago, but we broke up in the summer of 2019 (or whatever), so his message was unexpected" she could then work the dates out for herself

How could you do this fully anonymously? I was thinking print screenshot and send in post, but he'll know it was OP when he's confronted with it. However she does it, when the wife confronts him he'll know it was OP.

OP I'd just tell him 'please don't contact me again or I will tell your wife'. If he comes back with 'we're split' then feel free to tell the wife as you did warn him.