Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

[KeepOff]

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

So no ome cheated then?

Why didnt you just state this clearly in the op instead of talking in riddles

Either there is cheating or not if it has to be this convoluted then I would have a Becks and good lie down instead, alone would be safer on my head

I have told a spouse about his wife having an affair...but it was my XH she was having the affair with.

I wouldn't otherwise.

Sits back and waits for the thread to change in tone as the UK wakes up...

Yes, the man involved in both the relationships was cheating as neither women knew he was seeing the other.

I would juat get a hobby its simpler

No the only person you want to make feel better here is you.

May I suggest posting on mumsnet?

I’m not sure anyone would feel good in this situation, it’s more of a moral/right thing to do question. I certainly don’t feel good knowing I was cheated on at the end. I thought we’d split amicably and had remained distant friends. Obviously not now.

Sounds like he did the right thing and ended the first relationship to be in the second?

I’m not sure about this. But then it’s all a bit cryptic and riddles and perhaps I haven’t understood the issue - you want to tell woman 1 that he was in a relationship with you when he hadn’t ended it with her?

No, at least two but probably three or four months of seeing both women. At one point he took one to a hotel, then a week later, the other as just one example.

I am the ex. He started dating another woman before our relationship ended. I was the one who ended it but it was amicable, in part because I didn’t know he was cheating. He subsequently married the other woman. He recently got back in touch and told me he had left her because she was abusive. I checked SM to see if this was true and it turns out they are very much still married and I also discovered their relationship started months before he told me it did. My question is, does she have a right to know or should I leave it since so much time has passed. He also doesn’t know I know.

Thing is you never know what goes on in other people's relationships and what their terms are, so unless I knew the person I was about to tell really well, and was as sure as I could be that he/she would want to know, I wouldn't say anything.

No - stay out of it. Sounds completely toxic so just tell him to stop contacting you.

Block him and move on.

He is blocked and has been for a long time. He sometimes contacts me on a withheld number. I had no idea he was such a 💩 until this week when he got in touch out of the blue.

I'd want to know. I mean, I'd hate every single thing about it, but I'd want to know.

What do you think will be gained by telling ?

You won't change your situation by screwing someone else over.

She would gain the truth. He’s clearly up to no good given he just lied about being separated from her so he has form. Looking back, I think there were probably a couple of other times he cheated on me so he is a serial cheat and they steely change IME. Perhaps she’s suspicious and this will be the final puzzle piece. It could also lead to him finally getting a consequence. Obviously none of this is guaranteed so potentially nothing could come of it except hurt feelings. It then becomes a moral question which is why I framed it the way I did in my op.

I’m not seeking to change my situation. I’m seeking to do the right thing by her.

See, I feel the same but I’m aware not everybody feels that way, hence me asking.

If it would rip my family apart I would rather remain in blissful ignorance

In that situation, I'd tell her about the recent message, because it's extremely relevant now, and omit the early days stuff. That looks like you're trying to cause trouble. If she decides to forgive him now then I don't think the early cheating will factor into a decision to split and if she stays it will make it worse for her.

I would want to know if my husband was pursuing someone he had an affair with. Im amazed so many people wouldn't.

Block him and keep your mouth shut

Thanks. This is what I’m leaning towards and if she wants to know more, she can always ask.