Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

[KeepOff]

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

I can see the appeal but I think that would be unkind. I would want to give her the opportunity to question/interrogate me if she wanted to. I have nothing to hide.

Thanks for answering the question. I have a very full life thanks but somehow still have the ability to care about people I don’t know and things that don’t affect me.

I think he’s a covert narc actually but he’s not violent. If that’s the case, she has bigger problems anyway but it may be the impetus to finally leave. It was for me in my abusive marriage (not to this guy).

Thanks. I’m not too concerned about being shot as the messenger to be fair. I just want to do the right thing.

I’m sorry you have also experienced the double betrayal of being cheated on and also knowing that people knew and didn’t say anything. I have experienced just that in my marriage (before this guy). For me, the humiliation of everyone knowing was the wisest part. I’ve noticed that people who have been through it, very rarely say ‘I wish I’d been left in the dark’ - maybe in the immediate aftermath but longer term, people seem to say they’re glad they had the truth. If I put myself in her shoes I’d want to know. But also, I’m aware that ignorance is bliss. In an ideal world, I’d be able to ask her if she’d want to know but then of course by asking, you’re also telling.

You don’t want to do the right thing - you just want to ruin someone’s life. Bitter and twisted - move on.

So? 🤷‍♀️ I want to tell her because I feel like it’s the right thing to do and because if I put myself in her shoes, I’d want to know. Indeed I have been in her shoes and I was glad to be told. But also, I think there’s a good chance he’s still cheating on her, or intends to, and this might be useful information to her in a wider context. Ideally, I’d be able to ask her if she’d want to know but obviously I can’t do that so asking here is the next best thing.

So much projection here that’s it’s barely worth responding. Just because you can’t imagine being motivated by anything other than bitterness is a you problem. I think you’ll find that it was he who ‘ruined their life’, it happened whether she knows or not. But I accept that ignorance is bliss which is why this feels like a dilemma.

I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this @Nevermind17. Me too and when I put myself in her shoes, I’d want to know. It’s interesting that others who have experienced this say the same thing. The fact that he called me and tried to make out he’s single and asked me to meet up with him suggests to me that he has cheated since or is intending to so this is not just about the past.

Thank you. Yes, that’s right. I’m considering this as an option although I think he could more easily talk his way out of a phone call over actual cheating.

I have ample evidence of the overlap (because I never delete anything, no wonder storage is costing me so much 😂) but not much from the recent call. He called from a withheld number. I do have him leaving his name on call screening (which I didn’t listen to before answering or I’d not have bothered). We talked about other stuff during the conversation so in theory I’ll know stuff I couldn’t possibly know unless we’d spoken. He told a lot of lies to back up the separation story though - said he had moved into a furnished flat in a specific location as he had to leave suddenly without anything and that he was in therapy due to it all so it’s possible he lied the whole way through the call. It’s actually pretty creepy to me how naturally and easily he lied and now I’m wondering if my relationship with him was similarly built on total lies.

True and actually, if I knew her, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her.

I don’t know why he got in touch now. I haven’t spoken to him in 2.5 years when he told me he was about to have urgent cancer investigations then I didn’t hear anything again until he wished me happy birthday by email 6 months later. I ignored it. I haven’t contacted him since I blocked him 7 years ago. Given that he lied about being single and was asking to meet up, my guess is he is trying to cheat on her, which makes the overlap relevant info now.

If anyone has ‘ruined their life’, it was him when he cheated on her. It’s clear that he is minimally intending to cheat on her again if he hasn’t already, which could put her sexual health at risk. I’m not concerned about revenge. Neither of them know where I live now.

This is why it doesn’t feel so clear cut. If I’d found out randomly, then I’d agree but the only reason I found out at all is because he contacted me and lied about being single so I looked up her profile to check. Does contacting an ex, falsely trying to claim you’re single abd asking to meet up count as cheating? I guess it’s a grey area but minimally indicates intent which may render the old cheating news current. But yes, it did happen a long time ago so she might prefer not to know.

Another poster projecting. If anyone has ruined her life, it’s him by cheating. In what world am I bitter? 😂 I haven’t even thought about this man in years, he’s been blocked for 7 years and I haven’t contacted since we broke up. I’ve had two LTRs in the interim. I only found out about the overlap because he called me and told me he’s single and asked to meet up so he made it my business now.

Who's projecting?

I am just reading your posts.

I do find it hard to believe you can be in a relationship with someone and completely unaware you are the other woman. It's pretty obvious if someone is single or living with someone else 😂

You’re reading my posts where I say I’m trying to do the right thing and telling me I must be bitter. That is projection because you can only imagine being motivated by bitterness so assume I must be too.

We didn’t live together. If she knew she was the OW, she not going to be bothered if I tell her that is she?

i didn't say YOU were living together, you are claiming that he was already in a relationship but somehow you were blissfully unaware.

Why are you still bothered about a dirtbag that you had a relationship with years ago? I'd just let them get on with it. It's better for her to end the relationship for her own reasons when she realises she's had enough than to pile a load of old baggage on her. It sounds like you have a score to settle and I could understand it if you had recently broken up from him but he's not worth the upset to you and ultimately your DD. Are you in a relationship now?

Reread my posts. That is not what I said at all.

‘Still’ bothered? He contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. I hadn’t even thought about him in years. He doesn’t factor into this at all, my only motivation is giving her the truth about her relationship (if I were to tell her, I haven’t decided yet). Not sure what my DD or my current relationship status has to do with any of this.

Bunny boiler alert!

Yes, that.

Oh this is what he is doing now , contacting you pretending to be single , what a fucking asshole .
I don’t know what I’d do being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
A historic affair is something I wouldn’t say anything about , this is different though .
Is she his wife & have they got children?

Misogynist alert!

of course I must be crazy to want to help a woman who’s been cheated on 🙄

Thank you for actually engaging with the problem and understanding why this is such a dilemma. It feels like a grey area to me.

He told me a long time ago that she doesn’t and can’t have children. Turns out she has two adult kids. He has a son who turns 18 this year. They have no kids together. He told me there’s no joint property when talking about his imaginary divorce but who knows if that was another lie.