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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you won 10k

113 replies

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 19:04

Together 10 years, living together (unmarried but engaged), with 2 children.
One of you wins 10k - would you view it as joint money or not?
YABU - joint, and you would plan how to spend it together
YANBU - It’s the individual’s money, to spend how they please

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 05/03/2026 20:45

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

Hang on, he cancelled your once in a lifetime trip to siphon the money off to a friends holiday that only he could enjoy?

That’s despicable. Even if the money was his to spend as he wants, he should want to spend it on his family. The fact he doesn’t speaks volumes about his actual commitment.

I would be re-thinking the entire relationship at this point and would go and stay elsewhere

CarelessWimper · 05/03/2026 20:49

I think you have your answer.

Personally I would keep quiet for now and assess my financial position and look for an exit.

Amira83 · 05/03/2026 21:00

I was married when I came Into an inheritance of around 15k. My husbands ideas of how to spend the money involved him, for the good and enjoyment of him. My ideas were to improve our home which was pretty much in an awful state, which would benefit our children, but a newer car which we needed as ours was 16 years old, (and we relied on) do up the garden which was also a state and had never been sorted out. Buy loads of new clothes for all of us, kids and us) basically my ideas were going to benefit the whole family. His ideas were not. I put my foot down and I chose what to buy as my husband hasn't got a clue about home improvements or the kids... I did all of the above things and more. I replaced our bathroom and kitchen aswel and bought a summerhouse for our garden which we all use as a gym.

Walli2 · 05/03/2026 21:09

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

Sorry to hear this. It's hurtful to you but also really awful that he's willing to let your child down like this. I think I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Kizmet1 · 05/03/2026 21:12

It would be my money, but I'd do something nice for our family with most of it, and probably try to do an individual nice thing for each of us of our choosing.
I'd hope my husband would feel the same way, and I think I'd be disappointed if he spent it all on himself - whilst acknowledging that it was his to do as he wished.

Kizmet1 · 05/03/2026 21:16

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

Oh God!! This is horrible!!
Definitely think long and hard about whether this is who you want to spend your life with.
He could have provided the holiday for you all that everyone was excited for, but he chose to do something that only benefits him?!
What an immature and mean thing to do.
I'm sorry OP 🥺

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/03/2026 21:22

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

What a waste of space he is! Honestly, LTB!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 21:24

I mean it does depend a bit. And I’ve seen your update that it is your DP who’s won it, now doesn’t want to marry etc

In a lovely relationship, you’d think he’d want to share it.

If you were asking hypothetically as per your OP, I would have said it would depend if it was the person with the financial power generally in the relationship who won it (ie that person should definitely be sharing it). If one of you had stepped back a bit from work to care for children etc and that had impacted finances, that would be a factor - so if the person still able to work full throttle won it it’s fully joint, if a SAHM or part time worker won it, I’d say they had good cause to see at least some of it as just theirs.

If someone who needed to flee DV won jt, or who was being financially abused, then definitely all theirs!

I would hope in any loving relationship the person winning would to share at least most of the money with their partner, at least in terms of buying something joint with it (whether something for the house, a holiday etc) or investing in joint savings/ paying off a mortgage, if not literally splitting the money/ putting all in joint funds.

I wouldn’t expect a working husband who has two children with their fiancée to say “no this is all going on a jolly for me with the boys/ a bit of new kit for my personal hobby” or similar.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 21:26

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

This update just makes it utterly despicable! He actually cancelled the family holiday in order to treat his friends?? Words don’t even cover it.

And yes getting married should be his priority if he loved you.

BountifulPantry · 05/03/2026 21:27

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

Oh wow.

That would be the end for me love

AnAppleAWeek · 05/03/2026 21:28

NotMajorTom · 05/03/2026 19:06

If you’re a man it’s joint money. If you’re a woman it’s yours

This pretty much sums up MN.

Original poster
Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 21:30

Yes, holiday wasn’t booked yet, but very much planned (and his idea to begin with, might I add).
There was also another trip I’ve been really wanting to do as a family.
Feels all the more worse as I had a very bad year health-wise last year and would just love something to look forward to.
Feeling very depressed. I have booked a little UK trip for me and DC.

OP posts:
BridgetRandomfuck · 05/03/2026 21:31

I actually did win 10k last month! Never won anything like that before. I’m married but we have separate finances, no children. DH earns about 6 times what I do, so does pay for most of the household stuff, though we are 50/50 on the mortgage payments. I wanted to give him half, but he wanted me to feel the benefit of it, so I gave him 3k. If the situation was reversed I know he would have given me half.

In your situation, with a child and the holiday coming up, it sounds like he’s being really tight and you are right to feel hurt.

Original poster
Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 21:34

BridgetRandomfuck · 05/03/2026 21:31

I actually did win 10k last month! Never won anything like that before. I’m married but we have separate finances, no children. DH earns about 6 times what I do, so does pay for most of the household stuff, though we are 50/50 on the mortgage payments. I wanted to give him half, but he wanted me to feel the benefit of it, so I gave him 3k. If the situation was reversed I know he would have given me half.

In your situation, with a child and the holiday coming up, it sounds like he’s being really tight and you are right to feel hurt.

Congratulations! Hope you’ve done some lovely things with it!

OP posts:
pinkpony88 · 05/03/2026 21:36

In our house it would be joint winnings. DH actually won £1000 this month on “his” premium bonds, but he would only ever consider it joint winnings.

BridgetRandomfuck · 05/03/2026 21:38

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 21:34

Congratulations! Hope you’ve done some lovely things with it!

Show quote history

Thank you! I couldn’t believe it for days 😁. I treated myself to a vintage Prada handbag and the rest has gone into savings (being sensible).

RainsFall · 05/03/2026 21:40

It would definitely be joint money in our house. We’d probably allocate an amount each which we can spend on what ever either of us wants and then decide together what to do with the rest of it. For us most of it would probably go towards a house deposit/associated fees.

Happyjoe · 05/03/2026 21:52

We have a rule in this house (not married) that if its lotto we split, if its any on bonds we keep to ourselves so I presume any other winnings would be up to the winner to do with what they want. But to be honest, anything that would be won even on bonds would go to improving something for the both of us like the house, or into the kitty..... probably.

Neither of us have ever won anything to test this theory. I am far more generous than my other half so who knows.

Abd80 · 05/03/2026 22:08

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

This is unforgivable
treating you so badly but then letting down your child, despicable and selfish behaviour.
I’m not sure I could forgive this or remain with a man this selfish

Propagandalf · 05/03/2026 22:21

If it's 'free' money e.g. inheritance or a work bonus, then I'd treat it as joint.

If it's from gambling e.g. lotto or premium bonds, then the gambler keeps £2k of the winnings and the other £8k is treated as joint. This is on the basis that the gambler is paying for the bets past and future and anything left of the £2k would be for a treat.

Obviously if both partners are gambling e.g. £5/week coming out of a joint account on the lotto and they won £10k together, then it's treated as joint.

MyBadday · 05/03/2026 22:22

He sounds an utter child. Maybe time to send him back to his parents. He’s selfish and pushing boundaries to see how far he can push you.

44PumpLane · 05/03/2026 22:24

Honestly, the additional information about how he's having a holiday with the boys and now can't do a pre mentioned family holiday that you've already told your child about- unforgivable.

OP he's telling you loud and clear what he thinks of your relationship and your position in his life......listen to him!

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2026 22:28

Moonface29 · 05/03/2026 20:41

Thank you for your views everyone.
I am just feeling so sidelined. I thought it would be our chance to get married (been engaged 3 years), but no. He booked a holiday with his friends without telling me.
We had also planned a once in a lifetime trip in August (won’t say what, as would be outing). Booked annual leave, told our eldest we were going…only for him to then say we can’t afford it (after winning the money).
Apparently this is all justifiable in his eyes (and his parents, it transpires).
We pay the same percentage of our salaries into the house/bills (though he earns more).

I think this would tell me everything I needed to know. If my DP decided that a 10k win meant he could holiday with mates as opposed to with me and family, not want to secure the wedding or otherwise do something to cement our union, I'd let him and plan my exit side left. You dont factor in his priorities. What you need to decide is if thats ok with you.

CoastalCalm · 05/03/2026 22:34

It’s the individuals but I’d hope for some sort of treat like maybe a weekend away