Being a Non Resident Mum

[CheeseSandwich1]

My children’s father is resident parent due to me having significant mental health struggles that began during my first pregnancy.

Over the past few years, there’s been times we have been in a relationship which has meant that although the is the resident parent, I was staying at his/the children’s property, which meant during these times the parenting was mote equal, instead of resident/non resident parent.

We have recently broken up for good. Since breaking up he will not allow me to see the children on my own.

When I was very unwell there was an agreement that I would see the children with him or my parents but I have been seeing the children on my own for nearly a year.

He is now saying I can only see the children with him ‘sitting next to me watching and supervising’ or if ‘my parents confirm that they are supervising me’ - these are his words.

I don’t want to see the children with him. He’s been abusive over the years, he’s a lot older than me and I now understand a 40 year old being interested in a 22 year old (I was 22 when we met) was a red flag.

My parents are busy and don’t have the time to ‘supervise’ me with the children regularly.

Going back to court is not an option due to my previous mental health struggles, I will never ‘win’ against him because he’s not got anything adverse on his medical record and he’s financially very comfortable which means he can afford the best legal representation.

He thinks because I am the non-resident parent I should sit at home, wait for his call and be where he says within an hour.

He won’t make a schedule that works for the children, him and myself. If he knows I’ve made a plan to go out (which doesn’t happen often) he will make sure the day he offers for me to see them is the day I’ve made plans.

He gives me bags of washing (often with dried in poo, food, sick that’s going mouldy) and expects it washed and ironed in a day.

If I say anything I’m told I’m the non-resident parent and my priority should be to help him and look after the children when he needs to work (although he now won’t let me look after them on my own since we broke up).

I feel like to be a mum I lose my identity and devote my life to waiting for his calls in the hope he lets me see them OR I have my identity but I don’t get to see my children.

He constantly brings up my mental health and says I desperately need help (I’ve been receiving help from mental health services for a couple of years) and takes the mick out of me because I’ve got such a ‘long list of medical problems’ as pregnancy and childbirth did a number on me.

He’s said my body is horrible, that I have aged badly and look old, that he’s embarrassed to be seen with me as I’m so unattractive. It’s really getting to me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Of course going to court is an option. Do what you need to in order to prove your MH is good, and that it would benefit your children to have shared residency.

There are other more well informed ppl on here than me but it sounds like you need a court order on access rather than him calling the shots. It sounds controlling and abusive.
Have you tried calling Women's Aid? They may be able to provide some support and guidance.

The only way you're going to change things is to take it to court, unfortunately. Would your parents provide you with emotional support? Have you spoken with any mental health professionals about his controlling and abusive behaviour?

He is still abusing you now.

You take him back to Court. You use the form for cases where there is abuse and you get legal aid.

You fight him.

You tell the Court everything you’ve told us.

At the very least you get scheduled contact time even if you don’t get residency or 50:50.

He doesn’t sound fit to be the resident parent tbh.

As I was in hospital for mental health in 2024 I don’t think I would get residency or 50/50; I would be happy for the children to be able to see me and stay over a few times a week.

My previous court experience was terrible, I was completely ripped apart and it’s taking a lot for me to put myself back together. I’ve had to start from the bottom as he owned our home and everything in it and we weren’t married so it’s been a physical struggle not just a mental one.

Why does he give you washing @CheeseSandwich1 ? He’s an absolute pig (not the most helpful comment but he is a bully and please see if Women’s Aid can help, he has done a real number on you …

It’s the children’s washing (which I don’t mind doing) he says I need to help him as he’s busy. Should I not be doing washing?

He basically begged the court to give him resident parent status when I was very unwell and now chucks it back in my face and basically uses me as a baby sitting/washing/cooking service when he needs it instead of actually making a plan for the children’s wellbeing.

If I spend any time with him I feel like I have to be intimate with him, then an hour after he’ll demand I leave and call me names etc.

It’s one thing washing the kids’ clothes if they stay with you. But if they live with him he’s resident parent and he can parent them, which includes doing the washing @CheeseSandwich1

But if you’ve broken up, and he’s abusive, why are you sleeping with him?

I absolutely wash their clothes when they’re with me, I make sure I have clothes for them so he doesn’t need to pack anything unless there’s something specific they want to wear (eldest likes dressing up etc).

However, this is separate washing and by the time it gets to me it’s ready for the bin as huge dried in stains or wet clothes tied in a bag for a few days get nasty quickly.

@CheeseSandwich1 so don’t accept this ‘separate’ washing. He is treating you like an (unpaid) maid.

I am not anymore. I used to sleep with him as it was a way to see the children more if I’m honest. He’d invite me over to sleep with him but I’d get to stay over which meant I got to see the children the next day (which I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t have slept with him).

So stop sleeping with him, for goodness sakes put the children first and do what you to do that is best for them

I have stopped sleeping with him.

He hasn’t allowed me to see the children for 2 weeks. He won’t let them FaceTime me tomorrow morning for World Book Day, because in his words I no longer deserve ‘special treatment’.

This is because I stopped having sex with him.

I asked him if I could see the children today. I gave him the date, time and place and he refused.

He then sent me a message saying he was at the place and he’d had to explain to the children that I’d ‘stood them up’ and they were really upset.

I just need to get this off my chest as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it.

Ok, but that suggests dangerously poor judgement to me, to be honest. You bargained sexual access to your body for a sight of your children. Do you really feel that this is a better idea than going to court for court-mandated contact?

I 100% agree with you. I’m so scared of going back to court. I want to have a really strong case when I return to court (at least 2 years of stable mental health) so I’m not returning to court the year after to have the order varied again. I’ll have to put up with him for another year and then return I guess!

The problem also is the court order basically states if at any point the resident parent feels my mental health is ‘poor’ he can restrict access, this basically means at any point he can and does say ‘I feel you’re mentally unwell right now so I can legally refuse access to the children’ without any repercussions to him.

That’s why I want there to be a really strong case when I return to court so there is nothing he can use to restrict contact.

Ah OP, this behaviour is so so abusive. I know you've been told a few times - but you have got to never ever sleep with this man again! No emotional communication at all.

I have various health challenges. It has had a big impact on my emotional well being. Do I think I'm mentally ill? No I don't. But I have an ex that's reside parent and has pulled the ' you're mentally ill' card. Abusive men do this. On the bingo card of abusers favourite phrases. I'd say calling the ex mentally ill is top!

Stop buying into this belief you're mentally ill. I believe you if you have particularly conditions diagnosed, but stress and abuse can actually send people into such severe emotional spirals and feeling severely mentally ill from that alone. So whatever is going on here, don't ever discuss anything about your health, mental health or anything private at all with him or any of his family members.

He's doing this because you're at a low point. You are vulnerable you feel weak and you're stuck in an abusive cycle.

I would make you the absolute priority now. Do whatever you have to to get strong. You need to stop all Comms with him unless it's to disclose contact. Nothings at all more. You don't reply to anything he says unless it's about contact.

Legally, I don't know how this works. I think it's important you don't over stretch yourself if you're not well. Look at what you think you can manage and go slow. Can you take the kids out every Saturday for the day and drop them off? Just for now and gradually work towards getting stronger. They will be fine.

Ask if that's ok with him. Specify time for collection and when you will drop back.

He is playing into your fears and low self worth atm. He is making you feeling ashame and this all weakens you so you can't fight back and crumble.

I've been through this recently in a different way. I implemented all the above and it changed everything. I see a counsellor regularly to guide me through it. I know look at the other person as laughable, including silly accusation and demands. You will too.

I don't think he has a leg to stand on with his shit demands. But you don't need the stress of playing his games. Step out the game, become almost robotic in your comms with him.

You said you've been receiving help from mental health services for a few years. Do you have a regular therapist/counselor, or can you request one? I really think it would be a good idea to talk this situation through with a professional who understands your diagnosis and situation. It seems like there is a LOT going on here (much more than can really even be covered even super briefly in a thread) with self-esteem and possibly trauma and other issues. Beginning to get a handle on all of that would be a good first step to get you to establish some basic boundaries and stop being exploited by this man, as well as to handle the fear you must have of losing all contact with your children if you disobey him. Please consider it!

Then go back to court

If you have an extended time away from kids that will also play against you.
you are not asking to be resident parent, the court will want the kids in contact with you, it may not be so bad this tome
family court needs burning to the ground, I really know but I don’t think you have a choice. Engage with your MH team and just make the application, in the meantime prioritise seeing the kids even if he is there.
you can do this, I’m sorry you have to

I just read the bit about the specifics of the court order.

I still feel getting YOU to a good place is the priority. It's essential. You are still stuck in an abusive dynamic and won't be strong enough I fear. I know this. You can be weakened to the core by these types and have to recalibrate and cut emotional Comms / get support and help to gain strength.

Can you afford a female therapist asap? They will /should be able to really help you.

I would kind of play along with parts of his pathetic games for now whilst you get strong and do things to prove that so you can go back to court. You must feel desperate but try not panic. It wont take long to get where you need.

I know it's sickening but for now something like ' I'm not able to guarantee my dad can be around each time. He can't do that. For now, how do you feel about me taking the kids out for the day on Saturday ( or Sunday). I can pick up at xyz and return at xyz'. He'll probably want the break. If you are respectful and appreciative in your tone, stroking his ego, you will hopefully avoid any more control tactics. I agree that if sick it up and keep visiting kids if the only option is him being there. But you need guidance and support on how to handle him during this - as he's an abuser towards you.

And keep every comms you have. This will all be evidence down the line. Nice and slow and you'll get what you want.

He's a controlling guy so wants to fuck you around. You'll get what you want if you play it nicely nicely and get your things in order behind the scenes. Then, in good time, go back to court if things aren't moving the way you'd like.

This man sounds extremely abusive and is lying to the children about you standing them up. I wouldn’t wait a year as your relationship with the kids could be tainted by his lies by that point. Gather all of his messages as evidence. I also think the fact you’ve been living with them recently and looking after them on your own also supports your case.