Being a Non Resident Mum

[CheeseSandwich1]

My children’s father is resident parent due to me having significant mental health struggles that began during my first pregnancy.

Over the past few years, there’s been times we have been in a relationship which has meant that although the is the resident parent, I was staying at his/the children’s property, which meant during these times the parenting was mote equal, instead of resident/non resident parent.

We have recently broken up for good. Since breaking up he will not allow me to see the children on my own.

When I was very unwell there was an agreement that I would see the children with him or my parents but I have been seeing the children on my own for nearly a year.

He is now saying I can only see the children with him ‘sitting next to me watching and supervising’ or if ‘my parents confirm that they are supervising me’ - these are his words.

I don’t want to see the children with him. He’s been abusive over the years, he’s a lot older than me and I now understand a 40 year old being interested in a 22 year old (I was 22 when we met) was a red flag.

My parents are busy and don’t have the time to ‘supervise’ me with the children regularly.

Going back to court is not an option due to my previous mental health struggles, I will never ‘win’ against him because he’s not got anything adverse on his medical record and he’s financially very comfortable which means he can afford the best legal representation.

He thinks because I am the non-resident parent I should sit at home, wait for his call and be where he says within an hour.

He won’t make a schedule that works for the children, him and myself. If he knows I’ve made a plan to go out (which doesn’t happen often) he will make sure the day he offers for me to see them is the day I’ve made plans.

He gives me bags of washing (often with dried in poo, food, sick that’s going mouldy) and expects it washed and ironed in a day.

If I say anything I’m told I’m the non-resident parent and my priority should be to help him and look after the children when he needs to work (although he now won’t let me look after them on my own since we broke up).

I feel like to be a mum I lose my identity and devote my life to waiting for his calls in the hope he lets me see them OR I have my identity but I don’t get to see my children.

He constantly brings up my mental health and says I desperately need help (I’ve been receiving help from mental health services for a couple of years) and takes the mick out of me because I’ve got such a ‘long list of medical problems’ as pregnancy and childbirth did a number on me.

He’s said my body is horrible, that I have aged badly and look old, that he’s embarrassed to be seen with me as I’m so unattractive. It’s really getting to me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thank you for all the responses, they’re really helpful.

To clarify, during court I had some supervised access because I’d been very unwell. Some of it was at a contact centre, when I’d had around 6 weeks of positive reports they moved it to supervised by my parents.

By the end of the court process I was having regular unsupervised contact with the children and there was an agreement in place at the last court hearing that the children’s time with me would increase over a 9 month period until I was doing regular overnights unsupervised every week.

However these was a clause in the court order that states if their Dad believes my mental health isn’t good he can stop contact.

There’s also a clause that states my CPN must provide him with ‘updates’ on my mental health if and when he wants them. Fortunately, my CPN has refused to do this as she sees him for what he is and instead has made it even clear that if she ever had any concerns she’d report it to the relevant professionals instead although she’s never needed to do this.

I do have a mental illness but if I’m honest I think it has been massively exacerbated by him. I won’t go into it on here but I’ve been through A LOT but he still comes out smelling of roses because he comes across so well to professionals, he’s highly educated etc.

No social worker. They were involved for a few months but weren’t much help.

I wonder if getting a social worker for you to help navigate this would be a positive. They also provide evidence on the positive steps and stability you have in your life too. Could you reach out to them again?

OP it's clear as day he's using the children and his status "the resident parent" to abuse you, it happens all too often. You absolutely can take this to court, it's better than what's happening now. Show the courts what you are doing to improve and manage your mental health, take every parenting course you can find (ask your local family centres, social services if you have to), take every course the courts ask of you, ask for supervised access in a contact centre with reports to start with. You can do this OP.

What do I do about him only letting me see the children if he’s ’sat next to me supervising’ ?

I do not feel comfortable around him. He’s constantly making comments about my appearance and how he’s embarrassed to be seen with me because I don’t make effort with makeup and I don’t smell nice.

Whilst I don’t wear makeup everyday, I shower, clean clothes, skincare and perfume and I know 100% I don’t smell bad.

I’m barely leaving the house as I feel so down about my appearance etc due to him.

You need to talk to a solicitor. He is making it hard for you to live, to parent and even harder for you to get well again.

I honestly think you need Womans Aid to be involved.
I'd also reach out to Social Work they can do supervised contact in a contact centre. Which also means you have a witness if he doesn't bring the kids.

Oh so you stink but he wants you to wash his clothes.

He has destroyed your mental health.
How old are kids?

He really is an abusive piece of shit. However.

You are not what he says, and you have professionals who agree with you. His words come from coercion and control, not truth. You have texts and messages that will demonstrate his abuse. If you haven’t got them already, start collecting them now. Screenshots of him refusing contact, putting demands on you, expecting sex.

You are in a difficult situation, but you aren’t alone and it isn’t hopeless. Use the professionals you are already engaged with- CPN etc- to support your case. Use Women’s Aid. With their help, put together a plan of action and get started.

💐

Jesus, he sounds horrific. You need to speak to Woman's Aid and a Solicitor urgently.

He is an abusive vile swine
I would call womens aid and get some advice. It sounds like you really need some help here, that might be a good first step. Tell them everything and dont hold back and see where they can signpost you to or support.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor asap

Dont wait another year. He’ll only use it to entrench the situation more.

I didn’t mean to say you would get residence or 50:50, I meant to say even court ordered unsupervised contact for less that 50% of the time is better than this.

The problem with the current order is it gives him too much power- this bit about “if he feels your MH is bad” is awful, and no one representing you, the kids or the court should have agreed to it. It’s basically giving him the power of a judge, which isn’t appropriate.

He’s abusive and you need to make the application for a new order on that basis. He’s clearly been abusive both in the relationship and now.

Using the kids as a bargaining tool for sex is horrific. A decent solicitor should be able to help you get out of this situation.

Op please please call Womans Aid. They will help you. That's a very first step.

Call women’s aid.
stop listening to his lies.

only communication should be about logistical issues in relation to the DC nothing else….
look up grey rock, it’s a useful method.
yes you will need to go back to court but you need women’s aid and a decent solicitor advocate for you.

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

All I can think of is your poor children. Clearly an abusive man for leaving clothes so disgusting and trying to control you.

It’s really not right that this man gets to decide when your mental health is bad. He’s not qualified, it’s just opinion. The courts have given him far too much power. You should definitely fight this.

I experience psychosis but I only started to struggle with this during my relationship with him. I had a relationship prior to him in which I didn’t experience mental health problems.

He’s tried to say I have a personality disorder but that was thrown out by professionals.

I struggle with depression, anxiety and ptsd but again this is all since meeting him.

@CheeseSandwich1 He has worn you down so much, you can't seem to understand what people on here are advising you to do. You get onto Woman's Aid and let them help you to go back to Court very soon. Please don't wait another year. Just don't reply to him about him supervising

All the previous stuff at court was positive. Your MH nurse was happy and all that has happened is your ex didn't like the court arrangements so he's abusing you. That clause needs to be changed to something like your MH people must report to the court if they have concerns at any time - not your ex using that clause to abuse you further.

I also know he’s been following me as he sent me a message stating he knows I wasn’t at home or my mum’s home on a specific day.

I live on a one way street, you need to go down another street to come up the other end which leads onto my street. It’s a small residential street and there would be no need for him to drive down my street unless he was visiting someone.

I’ve been accused of being in a relationship with a man that I am not in a relationship with/seeing/or romantically involved with at all! He’s using this as another reason for me to not see the children.

I barely leave the house unless it’s to go to my mum’s which is couple of minutes away, I wouldn’t even have the confidence to meet someone if I wanted to.

My problem is he’s a business owner, lots of connections to things going on in our small town and everyone thinks he’s fantastic.

I actually had a court appointment psychiatric assessment by a very well respected psychiatrist who said I had complete understanding of my struggles and very good insight.

Her recommendation was for me to build up to having the children regularly overnight over a period of time. There was no recommended therapy etc because I’m doing everything I can on my side! Her only recommendation was that I shouldn’t have to deal with their Dad. I really don’t feel like this was taken into consideration at all now.

You poor thing. This man is a monster who is bent on destroying you. I’m so pleased you’ve come to Mumsnet. There are a lot of women who have broken free of horrendous situations with the help of women on here. By the way I’ve reported PollyBell’s post. That poster frequently pops up and the regulars have recognised him for what he is.
Do try to contact Women’s Aid as others have said.

Op you absolutely need professional support to help fight this evil git.
I'm begging you along with everyone else on here phone Woman Aid, or email them.

The psychiatrist also recognises what us amateurs are picking up on, he has abused you mentally and destroyed your self esteem.

The hardest step is picking up the phone.