Being a Non Resident Mum

[CheeseSandwich1]

My children’s father is resident parent due to me having significant mental health struggles that began during my first pregnancy.

Over the past few years, there’s been times we have been in a relationship which has meant that although the is the resident parent, I was staying at his/the children’s property, which meant during these times the parenting was mote equal, instead of resident/non resident parent.

We have recently broken up for good. Since breaking up he will not allow me to see the children on my own.

When I was very unwell there was an agreement that I would see the children with him or my parents but I have been seeing the children on my own for nearly a year.

He is now saying I can only see the children with him ‘sitting next to me watching and supervising’ or if ‘my parents confirm that they are supervising me’ - these are his words.

I don’t want to see the children with him. He’s been abusive over the years, he’s a lot older than me and I now understand a 40 year old being interested in a 22 year old (I was 22 when we met) was a red flag.

My parents are busy and don’t have the time to ‘supervise’ me with the children regularly.

Going back to court is not an option due to my previous mental health struggles, I will never ‘win’ against him because he’s not got anything adverse on his medical record and he’s financially very comfortable which means he can afford the best legal representation.

He thinks because I am the non-resident parent I should sit at home, wait for his call and be where he says within an hour.

He won’t make a schedule that works for the children, him and myself. If he knows I’ve made a plan to go out (which doesn’t happen often) he will make sure the day he offers for me to see them is the day I’ve made plans.

He gives me bags of washing (often with dried in poo, food, sick that’s going mouldy) and expects it washed and ironed in a day.

If I say anything I’m told I’m the non-resident parent and my priority should be to help him and look after the children when he needs to work (although he now won’t let me look after them on my own since we broke up).

I feel like to be a mum I lose my identity and devote my life to waiting for his calls in the hope he lets me see them OR I have my identity but I don’t get to see my children.

He constantly brings up my mental health and says I desperately need help (I’ve been receiving help from mental health services for a couple of years) and takes the mick out of me because I’ve got such a ‘long list of medical problems’ as pregnancy and childbirth did a number on me.

He’s said my body is horrible, that I have aged badly and look old, that he’s embarrassed to be seen with me as I’m so unattractive. It’s really getting to me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

This thread is so very upsetting to read. He is horribly abusive, OP, and it seems like your own confidence has been ground down to the point that you don't know how to stand up for yourself any more.

You really need good legal advice. Her are some charities that might be able to help.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/legal-help-and-responsibilities/legal-help/

https://www.rcjadvice.org.uk/our-services/family/

@CheeseSandwich1

Please contact WA and explain to them what's been going on. Stress that he was forcing you to sleep with him in order to see your children. You did not freely consent, you were coerced. Sex via coercion is basically rape, although I don't know if it's prosecutable in your specific case, or if you'd even want it to be.

As far as court, you don't have to request residency or 50/50 if you are truly sure it wouldn't be ruled in your favour. Try to see if you can get the order changed to specify regular days AND if your parents can't commit to a regular schedule, request supervised at a contact centre. And that clause that says he gets to decide if you're 'too ill' needs to go. There needs to be some sort of 3rd party involved. That's why a contact centre would be a good idea. There would be professional personnel there who could make that judgement. And if they keep notes on the visits it could help you build a case for unsupervised access.

And another resounding NO! to doing that nasty laundry. He wanted to be the resident parent? Well part of that is carrying the heavier load of parenting duties. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.

Please also, talk to your MH team. If you currently don't have one, now would be a good time to seek the help of MH professionals. They can only help your situation.

OP, did he put his requests for sex in writing, such as in a text message?

He's being abusive and coercive with you. Using you as a maid, upsetting you and the kids. Can your CPN help you or any other organisation. I think as others have said, go back to Court and see if you can get more visiting hours.

Op Please seek help from Womans Aid, they do so much more than provide shelters.
I think this man has been abusing you for years including gaslighting you into MH issues when pregnant.

Let me guess he was always telling you you'd be a useless mum and stuff?

Supervised access with Social Work in a comtact centre would be better than this, theyll at least be neutral enough to decide when you no longer need it.

I would be documenting every single interaction you have with him. Every text, and email, record his phone calls and any interactions he has with you and put them in a separate area on your phone/computer to build a picture of his abusive and gaslighting behaviour

Start to look at things differently.
photograph all the dirty washing he gives to you to do and start to diarise every time he “needs help”
Look at this in the way that if he needs your help to do basic things that he should be doing eg the children’s laundry whilst they are in his care then the current arrangement isn’t working for him because he can’t cope with what he needs to do on a day to day basis.

The problem also is the court order basically states if at any point the resident parent feels my mental health is ‘poor’ he can restrict access

I would argue that this isn’t something that should have been directed and this should have been picked up at the time by your solicitor
It leaves you too open to abuse and him in the position of someone who has to make judgement on someone else’s mental health which I presume he isn’t medically qualified to do.

Eat properly, don’t drink alcohol attend all your mental health appointments and take what ever pills are prescribed. Record, photograph and copy everything and make a diary and timeline of his behaviour. Don’t tell him what you are doing and keep any interaction to discussions about dc and not about where you are going and what you are up to.

Most of all reframe in your own mind that his demands for help is proof of him not coping.

Everytime he refers to your “physical and mental state” apart from making a record of it, look at it as him seeing you are doing better and being worried that you will challenge him in court so you have to be brought down to maintain the status quo

Don’t come out with the fact he isn’t coping, just record his demands for help and do what is needed to help him and then when you have a timeline to show that the current arrangement isn’t working for him and you are on the road to recovery take him back to court for more consistent access.

Equally start to go through any emails or texts he has ever sent you. Look at them for signs of demands, abuse, gas lighting, coercive control and blackmail,

I think once you start to have a plan and you look at him in the light of him having a vested interest to keep controlling you things in you will shift.
I think it could be argued that the courts decision of not having a consistent routine and leaving it up to your ex to act as a medically trained psychiatrist is unreasonable Especially as they are supervised visitations.
and him having to sit next to you when you do see them is having a negative influence negative influence on your MH.
Even if it is only for an hour or 2 per week in a contact centre where he has to bring them and if he doesn’t there is a 3rd neutral party that can record his no shows and his behaviour on drop offs would be better for everyone.

OP, I think you need to start getting in professionals to help you and be 'on your side'.

First thing, recognise he is abusive and what he says and does is abusive. Don't wash clothes you don't have to or be 'on demand'.

Speak to Women's Aid and other abuse organisations. They do help even if you are no longer in a relationship. If they assign you a case worker, they will be able to provide you with evidence you have sought support for abuse. Other professionals can do the same if you seek support from them. This will help you build up evidence for court, especially as he is involving the children to continue to abuse you. Do you have any communication with your kids' school? Ask to be emailed any communications. This will show you are an involved parent.

Try to get evidence of his abusive messages and only communicate factually with him -'grey rock'. Keep these safe.

If you see a regular therapist, GP etc they can confirm your MH is fit to lookafter your kids.

Check if you get legal aid and use any free legal hours you are able to get.

Play the long game. He will act worse and deny you access initially for getting yourself together (he will be in panic mode that you are showing some strength) but in the long run, you are building evidence to go back to court to see them regularly without relying on him to control access.

For the sake of your children, contact womans aid, get your MH workers to make assessments on your capabilities and take the cunt back to court. Good enough to do the washing but not good enough to be unsupervised because he says so?????

You go to court and mention that he is abusive, controlling your visits to children, giving you moly clothes to wash with one day notice, etc.

If he is so mean, he cannot be that good to kids.

ignore the first few posts OP, like others I find this thread really upsetting. He sounds exceptionally abusive to me - you should go to women's aid or the equivalent and get advice. It's not unusual for an abusive man to use the family courts as a way to continue to exert control over a woman. Women's Aid will be familiar with this.

Court will assess things based on your current health not history. Lots of parents with metal health history have their dc full time. Very often with no SS put whatsoever as it’s not a concern. You need to tell them he is using it as a means for control alongside all the other abuse. I get it’s tough but another year is a long time in your dc’s world. Just make sure ALL communication is in writing especially things like refusing contact then turning up. And save and file everything

Also agree to get help via women’s aid as well though. Hopefully they will be able to provide support through the process

Or maybe the abuse she’s suffered for years messed with op’s mental health so much that she became mentally ill?

Many things are possible with such scant information.

Lots of good advice here. He is in breech of the court order by allowing you to see the children alone if the conditions were for him or your parents to supervise. I would get legal advice and go back to court challenging the court order requirement of supervision using this as an example.
As others have said, do you have text messages where he has made demands of you? Asked you to do the washing? Inviting you round for sex?
You should not be doing anything that is in his custody time, so if he has full custody of the children and you currently only get supervised visits you shouldn't be doing any washing or cleaning, even if it is for their benefit.

Your mental health will benefit massively from being free of this man. Work with Women’s Aid, because he is still abusing you.

It doesn’t have to be immediate, you can take time to think it through. With their help, you can go back to court and get a sensible contact agreement set up. Your mental health with improve.

He may still try and find ways to punish you, but you will be stronger than you were and supported by Women’s Aid.

So sorry you are going through this. Sorry if this is not a helpful suggestion but, you say whenever you make plans to go out, that's when he offers you to see the kids. How does he find out about these plans? Is there a way you can make sure he finds out about 'plans' in future (I mean fake plans) so then you have a better idea of when to expect him to offer you to see the kids? In general I don't think it's a good idea to play games with a controlling narcissist but their behaviour can be quite predictable and sometimes that can make it easier to deal with them.

Please look into the support options as others have suggested. It sounds like this man has caused you a lot of harm.

Yes, second this. Having had MH issues in the past - particularly as a result of postpartum depression - absolutely does not mean you can never have custody of or access to your children. I would speak to citizens advice and start the process to have this changed in the courts. They will not look upon his controlling and coercive behaviour kindly.

His behaviour is appallingly abusive. You need to document everything, keep all the text messages etc. and go see a solicitor with all the messages and get proper advice. Stop letting him play on your mental health - he is being coercive and controlling - show the solicitor how this causes you mental health issues.

Oh op this sounds horrible. I think he is the cause of all your mental health to be honest. Are the children happy living room him? Does he mentally abuse them?

Are you working? If not, you should make that priority as that will improve your mental health the most.

Op thats not a bad shout to get into work. Even doing a couple of shifts in a charity shop just to boost your confidence wouldn't be a bad idea.

I too am convinced he's been abusing you for years.

If he’s the resident parent and you barely see the children because he’s controlling access to them so closely, the washing is his to do.
Contact Women’s Aid or Citizens Advice. There may also be Solicitors in your area that give a half hour consultation for free.
Your situation sounds dreadful. Be glad
you’re no longer in a relationship with him - and don’t become involved with him again.

This second page has good advice.

Women's Aid
Mental Health Advocacy Service near you?
Raise a safeguarding on yourself. Write what you have written here.
I'm sorry, he's abusing you and you need help and support with this.
Also be prepared to play the long game. Don't get into anything with him. Boundaries. No washing. No sex.
Best of luck 🍀

do you have a social worker @CheeseSandwich1 ? could you start by discussing with them and also with Women's aid? get some advice? He's clearly abusive and you need to go back to court.