Daughter’s head of year and tit for tat

[ThisNewCyanBiscuit]

My daughter has been struggling at school a while, we are in the UK she is in year 10. She is academically very bright but has ADHD and struggles in the loud busy environment of school and with her mental health. Currently looking at taking her out of school as I feel like I’m losing her.
I have been upfront with the school the whole way through and their support has been well limited at best. They always promise the right things but don’t actually act on it.
Last week my daughter was crying in class got sent to head of year and then the head of year sent her back to class while still crying. She went to the toilet on way back and had a panic attack and was in there for half an hour and no one knew she was missing, until a friend lunch break said she was to a teacher, I raised this a safeguarding complaint.
Fast forward to yesterday we had a meeting with the school and all seemed like we had reached an agreement on a plan for my daughter. There was me, my partner and 4 teachers in the room.
The head of year said she wanted to walk us out so we ended up walking out just one on one with her. To which point she said “daughter has a tik tok account which is public and it’s a safeguarding issue” using my words back at me in my complaint. She said it all smarmy and in a way that was definitely in retaliation to my complaint about her.
The thing is my daughter does have a TikTok which I do follow but it is anonymous, it has no picture on it, it has no last name on it, it has no location on it and she doesn’t post any videos so it’s not obvious in anyway it’s her apart from the first name. So how did the head of year come to find this tik tok and know it was my daughter? Also is it really her place to bring this up as a safeguarding issue? It’s the way she said it so smugly like she had one up on us. Also the legal age for tik tok is 13 and my daughter is 15. I have access to her phone and she’s a mature young trustworthy girl I know she doesn’t have another account apart from the one I know about.
It’s really annoyed me as it just felt very much aimed at me because of my safe guarding complaint.

I think that you have bigger fish to fry than obsessing over this tik tok bullshit

Comments like haven't you got bigger problems etc. baffle me.

I can think and concern myself with many issues at once, with either equal attention, effort etc. or appropriate levels depending on the problem.

I always thought this was a pretty normal thing to be able to do 🤔

Just because you can, doesn't mean that you should. Especially when trivial.

Whether its trivial or not is up to the individual.

If i picked up a vibe a teacher was being petty, and in this case also revealed something they felt was concerning enough that i should know more about, then I wouldn't say its trivial at all. And tbf id judge a parent who didnt want to know more.

I'd email the teacher and ask her for a link to your daughters profile and if it is the same profile then ask her what the safe guarding concerns are as she doesn't have a profile, no full name, doesn't post videos etc. If it's not the same account then your daughter has another one or the teacher has got the wrong person.

This will have everything to do with poor behaviour from both child and parent rather than any ND

Their job should be to teach! If a girl can't stop in the loo for a 45 minute blub then it's a poor state of affairs. It doesn't mean she was in danger, just needed to let it out.

Since when do teachers walk year 10s back to the class 😳. I really dont thunk that's a safeguarding issue at all, schools aren't prisons and why have that level of intensity in year 10 when they're only a couple of years from adulthood?

My point is it's probably a bit of a joke you made a safeguarding complaint about your daughter walking back to class on her own.

If it is so anonymous then how does the HOY know it is your DD?

I agree

She should be reliable enough at 15 to go back to class when told or make.her way to nurses room. Its not a safeguarding issue.

If you think she needs constantly supervised then you need to apply for ehcp and get her a teaching assistant.

She’s a vulnerable child with PTSD, the hoy knows her issues and knows she has counselling, knows she has mental health issues and knows that the plan made with the senco is to call me and I shall come and get her and take her home what the head of yea did was to send her back to class still crying alone. She then had a panic attack in the toilet.

What are they supposed to do?
Your dd left the class. As far as the class teacher knew, she’d gone to the Head of a year. The Head of year sends her back to class. As far as the head of year knows, she’s gone back to class. You can’t just check your emails in the middle of a lesson.
Yes in an ideal world the teachers would know she was in the loo but they have hundreds of kids to deal with. Unless your dd has a risk assessment in place, you can’t blame the school.

I work in a secondary school and agree with this. A lot of parents are totally naive about what there kids are posting on social media. To add to that plenty of teenagers are more tech savvy than there parents are. My 14 year old can over ride family link apps so can plenty of his friends. My sons school doesnt allow mobiles on the premise thankfully and I check his mobile frequently at home but I am well aware of the pitfalls of social media for teenagers.

The head teacher has brought this up for a reason and it maybe she is concerned about your dds content. Why not email her, explain you are only aware of her account being private but would really appreciate it if she could send you the link to the account she has seen because your concerned your dd may have an account you dont know about. If she does have one the more you know the better.

I'd be more concerned about what my child was getting up to on social media than a teacher calling out that they have a public Tik tok account.
She may have more than one accounts if she thinks you are following her.
She sounds vulnerable and I would focus on keeping her safe online rather than feeling upset about the teacher calling out a safety issue.

If a pupil is having a panic attack I would escort them if it helped calm them down. Staff have duty of care to pupils and leaving a pupil who is having a panic attack is failing in that duty of care.

Sorry, but she shouldn't have tiktok and social media in general then. It certainly wont be doing her mental health any good.
What protocol is in place for when she is crying? Do the school have a room designated for this she can go to?
Surely she cant sit in HOYs office all day and she can't be in class crying its distracting to others.
What actions have been put in place here, si she knows where to go. There should be a place. The toilet definetly isnt it.
Is she crying because she is overwhelmed?
Surely at 15 you are aware how crucial these years are, if you are fetching her from school regulary and she is missing a good chunk of her education have you looked at an Alternative Provision?
There is ultimately only so much any school can do with the very limited resources they have

Op said she had a panic attack after leaving the office.

She sounds like she needs a lot more support and input than a mainstream school can provide for a child without an ehcp. Whilst I have sympathy for the challenges you are facing alongside her, this all sounds very disruptive and resource intensive for the school.

I also think you need to be much more alert to the dangers posed to someone so vulnerable by social media and not dismiss the teachers' concerns out of hand.

You described your dd as mature, sensible and trustworthy earlier. But it sounds like she's too unwell for any of those things to be relied upon right now.

This

4 teachers and the head of year at this meeting for the dd… presumably all with enormous workloads as it is.

Absolutely. I was chairing a meeting of teachers today and a similar situation came up actually. School had concerns about a pupil's social media use, so they highlighted it to the parent, who then went on the offensive.

School staff go into the work because they like working with children and they care about them.

Also can we step back with the "paper trail" "copy in the head" stuff - have conversations with school staff, human-to-human - we're all on the same side, we all want what's best for children.

100% this.
I am Head of Department at an AP. The amount of safeguarding concerns we have DAILY because of snapchat/tik tok is crazy. It is taking us away from other aspects of the job.
More often than not, parents have no idea what material or conversations their children are accessing online...and they are not safeguarding their children.
I fully support the ban on social media and hope it brought in ASAP.
Even without safeguarding concerns, the way phones and social media are destroying communication, concentration and self esteem is awful to watch on the front lines.

No child under 16 should be anywhere near all this brain rot.
A vulnerable child even more so.

Thanks I missed that bit.

OP your dd is 15. Secondary kids do often skip classes, hide out in the toilet etc. Its not a safeguarding concern unless the pupil is one thats considered at risk of harm if unaccounted for. Normally these are pupils who are disabled and in ASN bases and who are accompanied by staff at all time anyway.

Secondary schools dont have the time or staff to chase down pupils on an hourly basis. Staff normally register pupils in registration and at the start of each period. If they are not there unless its a safeguarding risk no staff member will go looking for them. Secondary schools are a step towards adulthood and part of that is pupils learning accountability, time keeping, turning up for classes etc. You need to support your dd in this not turn it into a safeguarding complaint because your nearlt adult dd decided to skip class.

So, your 15 year old daughter was out of class (crying), sent back to class, and instead of going where she was asked to go (her lesson) decided to truant class and hide in the toilets.

And you made a complaint about a teacher, because of this. Because your fifteen year old daughter is, in your judgement, unsafe when not under direct adult supervision, needs a one on one escort to get her to her classes, etc.

Rather than complaining, I'd spend all my energy working out what the Hell I was going to do to equip my teenager for adult life, if she was currently so unable to keep herself safe, or to make remotely good choices.

And no, a child like this should not have any social media accounts - I entirely agree with the HOY's opinion that this is a safeguarding risk, given your own assessment of your daughter's capacity.

This disruption that this child (and mother) will have caused over the past 3 years will be depressing. Impacting so many kids.

Take her out of this blinking school. I would never leave my child in a situation where she cries continually.