Daughter’s head of year and tit for tat

[ThisNewCyanBiscuit]

My daughter has been struggling at school a while, we are in the UK she is in year 10. She is academically very bright but has ADHD and struggles in the loud busy environment of school and with her mental health. Currently looking at taking her out of school as I feel like I’m losing her.
I have been upfront with the school the whole way through and their support has been well limited at best. They always promise the right things but don’t actually act on it.
Last week my daughter was crying in class got sent to head of year and then the head of year sent her back to class while still crying. She went to the toilet on way back and had a panic attack and was in there for half an hour and no one knew she was missing, until a friend lunch break said she was to a teacher, I raised this a safeguarding complaint.
Fast forward to yesterday we had a meeting with the school and all seemed like we had reached an agreement on a plan for my daughter. There was me, my partner and 4 teachers in the room.
The head of year said she wanted to walk us out so we ended up walking out just one on one with her. To which point she said “daughter has a tik tok account which is public and it’s a safeguarding issue” using my words back at me in my complaint. She said it all smarmy and in a way that was definitely in retaliation to my complaint about her.
The thing is my daughter does have a TikTok which I do follow but it is anonymous, it has no picture on it, it has no last name on it, it has no location on it and she doesn’t post any videos so it’s not obvious in anyway it’s her apart from the first name. So how did the head of year come to find this tik tok and know it was my daughter? Also is it really her place to bring this up as a safeguarding issue? It’s the way she said it so smugly like she had one up on us. Also the legal age for tik tok is 13 and my daughter is 15. I have access to her phone and she’s a mature young trustworthy girl I know she doesn’t have another account apart from the one I know about.
It’s really annoyed me as it just felt very much aimed at me because of my safe guarding complaint.

I’m 42 I’m grown up enough to know how something was said to me and in what way.

On Tiktok, can you see what other users have liked? Or who their friends/followers are?

There will be people in your DD's class that she has interracted with on Tiktok.

Because she did it outside of the meeting where the rest of the staff were. It feels underhand. She sent an upset child back out of her room to go back to class. The head of year who I got to know really well at my child's school would never have done this.

@ThisNewCyanBiscuit I would do exactly what @5128gap said and question it in a paper trail.

Thats why you could do with the HoY help with knowing how they know about the TikTok account.

Could be someone's told the HoY but its so common for 15 y/o I cant imagine a pupil telling her.

You need to focus on what your child is struggling with.
Is he medicated? Does it need adjusting?
Does she have an ECHP? If not apply for an ECHNA yourself.
Is she recieving any mental health support? School can usually refer to level 1 services which are often able to see her fairly quickly.

so how did the HOY know about it?

She could have another phone.

Or perhaps the HOD asked her friends. Do her friends know about it?

You definitely need to ask the HOY how she knows about it? Could she be getting your daughter’s account mixed up with another pupil? In which case, the other pupils parents might need approaching about something?

😂 You got me! Clever you!

no wonder teachers leave the profession- HOY accompanies parent to the exit - standard procedure as adults are not permitted to wander around the school unaccompanied- gives advice re TikTok account and safeguarding and your opinion is that op’s Dd should be safeguarded from someone like that…
how dare teachers offer advice and support!

She's probably got another account you don't know about

I assume the meeting was to address the issue of child going back to class (or in fact no going back to class) upset. If the outcome of this meeting was satisfactory then it seems sensible to move on rather than create drama over a safeguarding comment.

I've seen teachers being smarmy from both within the staff room and as a parent. It's a very difficult position to be in. Once a teacher takes a dislike to you or your child or your child's needs it's hard to win. Is it a one off?, can you let it go?, are there enough teachers to dilute the one/s being awkward?, or is it symptomatic of a situation with several teacher/s? Unless a new head teacher is imminently coming into the school and forcing a culture change you might need to consider changing school. We did once when a class teacher started picking on one of ours and we didn't regret it.

If it’s only your dds first name how does the HOY know it’s her? Bearing in mind I know nothing about TikTok, unless your dd has a really unusual name how did she find it?

Of course parents can exit a school unaccompanied. I've never once been accompanied out of a school after a meeting.

I suspect the OP would have understood if the HoY's intentions were good. She could have raised the TikTok thing in the meeting.

The same woman sent a distressed young person who is already struggling in school straight back to class. The girl was so upset that she hid in the toilets.

In all walks of life there are unkind people. It's ridiculous and frankly dangerous to assume that all teachers are good, kind people just because they are teachers.

Presumably she chose the 1 on 1 time to mention it for a reason - maybe not to alert dd that she was giving you the heads up?

It seems highly unlikely that an experienced member of staff from a secondary school would be trying to raise that your dd has a blank anonymous and unused tik tok account (whats the point? Why isn't it private? What's she exposed to?). Far far more likely that they are aware that your dd is sharing or interacting or connecting in a concerning way.

You are directing your energy in the wrong places imo. Your year 10 child is crying in class, wandering corridors, hiding in toilets and having panic attacks. There is clearly something really wrong going on for her. I would very much want to hear about anything at all that could be going on for them and affecting them negatively, including online. I would not be directing my ire and thoughts to how a teacher said something.

The teacher has suggested there is a safeguarding concern about which the OP is unaware. How in the world would it NOT help for the OP to know what this is rather than have to speculate from hints?
She should copy in the head because in the event she is correct and the teacher was making baseless remarks, well, it's not very helpful of her, is it? If the teacher was acting appropriately there's nothing to be concerned about in the head knowing, is there?

Wow. You sound like you really dislike the school and the teachers. I wouldn't see it as a safeguarding complaint that your Year 10 daughter was in the loo for too long. Teachers have lots of training on safeguarding around internet issues, so presumably were only trying to be helpful. If this is how you feel about the school, I would suggest you move her and try to work with her new school to support your child.

Why was your daughter crying in class to the extent that she was sent to the Head of Year?

Why did her panic attack lead to her gong to the loo and staying/hiding there for half an hour instead of going straight back to class as she had been told to do.

Did she apologise to the teacher for not obeying her instruction and offering up her panic attack as to why she did this? Did you?

Do you think it is easy for a teacher trying to teach her subject to a class studying for an exam and to also have to deal with a girl who is crying in class and refuses to follow instructions?

Why do you think a 15 year old girl hiding in the loo for 30 minutes is a safeguarding issue?

How did the teacher find her Tik Tok account if it only has her first name? Unless her name is Esmerelda Diamond Greeneye, how on earth did she know it was there? Was it just a lucky guess? If it was, ask her for the Lottery numbers!

You won't be the only parent to be duped.

Have you had a word with your daughter about all this or do you think she is entirely blameless?

A few of possibilities to consider if your DD doesn't have a second personal account...

A teacher or a regular supply teacher has a tiktok account (related to them as a teacher or totally independent of their profession, maybe focused on their hobby) and your DD has posted an inappropriate comment on one of their videos

Another child has a tiktok account which is known to the school (perhaps that child posts inappropriate content, perhaps they post content about the school/teachers) and your DD posted an inappropriate comment on one of their videos

A group of kids, including your DD, run a 'school' tiktok account from one of their phones. They post inappropriate content about the school, themselves, other pupils and staff. Think of it like a modern version of the the Burn Book in Mean Girls.

They are able to figure out it's your daughter by both her first name on her account and seeing her account post on her friends' accounts which are more immediately identifying of them as students. And also any relevant content in those posts.

Also schools just cant do right for wrong.

Schools who want to avoid these situations and lock the loos or take the main doors off are taken to the papers with sad face pictures.

Schools that make toilets available during lesson time are then accused of poor safeguarding if pupils choose to go into them instead of going where they are meant to be.

Op, did you think that your dc should be accompanied at all times at school? Do you know what had been said and agreed? Could it have been that the hoy calmed your dd down, she seemed a bit calmer and agreed to go back to class, then got worse on way back for eg? Schools are not staffed or resourced to provide pupils with 1:1 care all the time and the teacher in the classroom needed to also manage the other 29 pupils sat waiting for their lesson while she dealt with your daughter. You are rightly and understandably thinking of your dd and her needs only but the staff are keeping thousands of kids safe at the same time.

I think there's probably a fair bit of missing context here for me as a stranger to know what's going on, what's been misunderstood, and all sorts.

The safeguarding concern of the daughter in the bathroom - the HOY thought she'd gone back to class, the class teacher thought she was with the HOY, the daughter went to the toilets rather than straight back to class. I can read that she was crying and had a panic attack. That she was crying when she left the office? Like full on weeping or fizzy nose crying? Is this the same story you have from your daughter and from the school?

The tiktok thing - none of us know, you need to ask the HOY exactly what she means by a safeguarding concern with the tiktok account because there's a whole lot of guessing going on. If the account you know of is what she's referring to, why is there a concern, is it the content or is it that it exists? If they want you to be in a position to do anything about it, it's really unclear what they expect.

Why was she crying in class before getting sent to the HOY? What was the discussion with the HOY? Was it a frustrated cry? Overwhelmed? Upset by something? I don't need to know these answers but it's all context around the why and what of the situation and what should be expected of the teaching and pastoral staff.

Does she have an IDP? Or whatever the equivalent in England is? What is the support they've said they will have in place and is that being given? It's sounds like that's a no and that's where the area of concern is, not the potentially snarky attitude of the HOY. That's a separate issue.

Is the school in general shit with supporting neurodivergent pupils or young people with mental health issues? Some are so much better than others. What's the nuture offer? Do they have an educational psychologist? Councilling?

There are just so many questions.

It is a safeguarding issue and they were correct to let you know

she is vulnerable

shame it was done in a shitty way

The account is not set to private and that is a safeguarding concern. HOY is pointing that out.
The op is adamant that her DD’s account is not an issue and that she, as a parent, monitors her DD’s use of social media and is not concerned in any way about this tik tok account. So just ignore the comment-no need to write to anyone or copy in the head. Move and address the rather more concerning issue of DD’s panic attack and sobbing in school.

Have you looked up her name on tiktok?

My sons teacher thought he was on discord it was my discord I let him use it once for an activity his so called mates ran to the teacher so fast there were scorch marks