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Original poster

Daughter’s head of year and tit for tat

144 replies

ThisNewCyanBiscuit · 04/03/2026 15:53

My daughter has been struggling at school a while, we are in the UK she is in year 10. She is academically very bright but has ADHD and struggles in the loud busy environment of school and with her mental health. Currently looking at taking her out of school as I feel like I’m losing her.
I have been upfront with the school the whole way through and their support has been well limited at best. They always promise the right things but don’t actually act on it.
Last week my daughter was crying in class got sent to head of year and then the head of year sent her back to class while still crying. She went to the toilet on way back and had a panic attack and was in there for half an hour and no one knew she was missing, until a friend lunch break said she was to a teacher, I raised this a safeguarding complaint.
Fast forward to yesterday we had a meeting with the school and all seemed like we had reached an agreement on a plan for my daughter. There was me, my partner and 4 teachers in the room.
The head of year said she wanted to walk us out so we ended up walking out just one on one with her. To which point she said “daughter has a tik tok account which is public and it’s a safeguarding issue” using my words back at me in my complaint. She said it all smarmy and in a way that was definitely in retaliation to my complaint about her.
The thing is my daughter does have a TikTok which I do follow but it is anonymous, it has no picture on it, it has no last name on it, it has no location on it and she doesn’t post any videos so it’s not obvious in anyway it’s her apart from the first name. So how did the head of year come to find this tik tok and know it was my daughter? Also is it really her place to bring this up as a safeguarding issue? It’s the way she said it so smugly like she had one up on us. Also the legal age for tik tok is 13 and my daughter is 15. I have access to her phone and she’s a mature young trustworthy girl I know she doesn’t have another account apart from the one I know about.
It’s really annoyed me as it just felt very much aimed at me because of my safe guarding complaint.

OP posts:
FakeTwix · 04/03/2026 18:24

AnotherHormonalWoman · 04/03/2026 18:13

I can well believe it was said in a snide way.

I'd plaster on a serious concerned look and email HOY to say that you'd been reflecting on her comment about her safeguarding concern about your daughter's tiktok account. Ask HOY to point out the account and what their concerns are, because you take safeguarding concerns very seriously, as they know. Copy in the head and her class teacher. Not because you're calling HOY out and making them back up their comments, of course, but because everybody should have transparency when it comes to your daughter's safeguarding. And if HOY had seen something that was genuinely concerning they need to share it with you, her parent and the person who supervises her internet access.

As an aside, I wonder if the HOY will say that having the account is a safeguarding concern in general because people might message her on it. Be interesting to know if the school has a policy on children having social media accounts.

The serious look and desire to know more should be genuine.

OP needs to be prepared to be wrong on this. How many parents do you think the school have had adamant that their dc isn't doing something....that they turn out to definitely be doing?

MimiGC · 04/03/2026 18:27

Is a 15 year old sitting in a school toilet for half an hour really a safeguarding issue?

AnotherHormonalWoman · 04/03/2026 18:28

movinghomeadvice · 04/03/2026 18:21

But then, short of putting ankle monitors on students and tracking their heart rate on an app or something, how can schools possibly keep track of whether students are using the bathroom to self harm or simply go to the toilet!?

This is why schools lock bathrooms during lesson times, which is such an unpopular policy by the way. But when parents accuse the school of breaching safeguarding policy, what else do you propose? It spoils the reasonable use of the bathrooms for 95% of the student population.

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Answered above. I'd have more sympathy for the teacher if it happened in that direction, because they've got to juggle attention on the other c.29 pupils in their classroom with the one that they've had to trust to go where they sent them. HOY seems to have dropped the ball by sending an upset child back to class without ensuring that they got there - schools absolutely should have a system in place to ensure that a child doesn't get sent out of the room and go missing. And that system should not be lock the toilets.

HughGrantsfurrysquirrel · 04/03/2026 18:29

Megifer · 04/03/2026 16:42

Id do this op.

And just wanted to say i can absolutely believe the teacher said it in a tit for tat way. IME some teachers can be as snide as some of the kids. Any adult can. And teachers are only human themselves at the end of the day.

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This.
I viewed some of the comments on here in disbelief.
Do people think teachers are some omnipotent beings who can do no wrong?
Whilst it's true that teachers have a duty to safeguard the children in their care, It mustn't be overlooked however that they are also out to safeguard THEMSELVES, preserve their image, and the reputation of the school.
I can well believe what OP is saying to be true. We weren't there to witness it. She was.

FakeTwix · 04/03/2026 18:31

AnotherHormonalWoman · 04/03/2026 18:28

Answered above. I'd have more sympathy for the teacher if it happened in that direction, because they've got to juggle attention on the other c.29 pupils in their classroom with the one that they've had to trust to go where they sent them. HOY seems to have dropped the ball by sending an upset child back to class without ensuring that they got there - schools absolutely should have a system in place to ensure that a child doesn't get sent out of the room and go missing. And that system should not be lock the toilets.

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None of us know how the dc appeared when she left the HoY do we?

Schools are absolutely not resourced and staffed to accompany single students all over the (secure) campus. Op says herself that her daughter is normally mature and trustworthy.

ItsameLuigi · 04/03/2026 18:31

OhWhatABeautifulDay · 04/03/2026 16:56

On Tiktok, can you see what other users have liked? Or who their friends/followers are?

There will be people in your DD's class that she has interracted with on Tiktok.

Sorry if someone else has replied but yes you can. If an account is private only their followers can see it but the default on a public account is that likes/followers can be viewed. It can be switched off on public accounts though. Issue with TT is it's a very unsafe app, there's no way to limit the content that appears on your fyp. I've seen all kinds of things while scrolling.

Megifer · 04/03/2026 18:31

youalright · 04/03/2026 18:14

How would hoy possibly know she has tiktok if she isn't doing shit like this. Tiktok is the most toxic app to exist. Spend some time on nd/mh tiktok and you will see its so competitive whos the most unwell who gets the most attention. I bet 99% of these girls with these accounts the parents are oblivious

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Again, if the HoY, or someone, had to bang on a door, begging no less, while a laughing DD posted it on TikTok the HoY would have told op.

I know how TikTok works - if theres a 'craze' for this stuff then yea, anything tagged appropriately will come up in the feed.

movinghomeadvice · 04/03/2026 18:32

AnotherHormonalWoman · 04/03/2026 18:22

This isn't justification for that.

School staff are expected not to lose children. Teacher should have let HOY know they were sending a pupil, or asked them to come and collect. HOY should have either let teacher know to expect the child back, or walked her back themself. I would expect HOY and teacher to check in with one another during the break.

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What you’ve described works in some schools. It works at my school, which has very small class sizes, excellent behaviour, and teachers who have constant access to the internal messaging app. I receive constant notifications on my (personal, not school issued) Apple Watch. We always know where a student is, and if they haven’t returned to class after a meeting/toilet break/rehearsal, then we all get an alert. It is very distracting while I teach, but I’ve gotten used to it over the years.

However, with a class of 30 students, how is a teacher realistically going to monitor a messaging app throughout an entire lesson? I’ve seen schools where teachers wear walkie talkies, and would receive messages like ‘Student A is returning to class now’. How would parents and students feel about teachers wearing those while they teach?

I think that constantly monitoring a messaging app, or receiving phone calls or announcements during lessons is so disruptive to teaching and learning. Especially if the class behaviour is challenging.

Perhaps in this case the HOY should have accompanied the student back to class. In hindsight, I’m sure they think that would have been the better option. However, I have no idea of their caseload or other responsibilities that may have prevented them doing that.

ItsameLuigi · 04/03/2026 18:32

FakeTwix · 04/03/2026 17:19

Presumably she chose the 1 on 1 time to mention it for a reason - maybe not to alert dd that she was giving you the heads up?

It seems highly unlikely that an experienced member of staff from a secondary school would be trying to raise that your dd has a blank anonymous and unused tik tok account (whats the point? Why isn't it private? What's she exposed to?). Far far more likely that they are aware that your dd is sharing or interacting or connecting in a concerning way.

You are directing your energy in the wrong places imo. Your year 10 child is crying in class, wandering corridors, hiding in toilets and having panic attacks. There is clearly something really wrong going on for her. I would very much want to hear about anything at all that could be going on for them and affecting them negatively, including online. I would not be directing my ire and thoughts to how a teacher said something.

Even on a private account she would be exposed to a lot. Tiktok is not a child friendly app in anyway imo.

Curleddown · 04/03/2026 18:33

I think we will all hear the school’s collective sigh of relief if @ThisNewCyanBiscuit decides to withdraw her daughter from the school.

youalright · 04/03/2026 18:34

Megifer · 04/03/2026 18:31

Again, if the HoY, or someone, had to bang on a door, begging no less, while a laughing DD posted it on TikTok the HoY would have told op.

I know how TikTok works - if theres a 'craze' for this stuff then yea, anything tagged appropriately will come up in the feed.

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But we are all literally agreeing on the same thing op needs to email the school and find out about this tiktok account. Whatever comes from that will be the answer

FakeTwix · 04/03/2026 18:36

AnotherHormonalWoman · 04/03/2026 18:22

This isn't justification for that.

School staff are expected not to lose children. Teacher should have let HOY know they were sending a pupil, or asked them to come and collect. HOY should have either let teacher know to expect the child back, or walked her back themself. I would expect HOY and teacher to check in with one another during the break.

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What systems do you think schools have?

The classroom teacher should be actively engaged in teaching the children sat in front of them. I for one am irritated that my dc get asked to accompany other kids to the office/first aid etc and miss out on learning time themselves. Or how much time is lost whilst my dc and many others sit politely in silence waiting for staff to deal with these disruptions.

DC within a secure school campus should be able to follow instructions to go back to class/the office/sports field without needing G4S type accompaniment around the site.

moofolk · 04/03/2026 18:36

ThisNewCyanBiscuit · 04/03/2026 16:10

That’s what I mean it is completely anonymous it could be anyone in the whole of the UK with my daughter’s name! No picture, no location nothing.
yes I do agree that because the meeting was positive I should just drop it. It just felt like such an underhand comment. Like she either wanted to stir trouble or she had been snooping herself.

It could be anyone with her name … does that mean it’s got her name on?

That’s pretty much the opposite of anonymous. I think you’re being paranoid arbor the teacher, she may well have been wanting to give you the heads up about it one to one rather than in the meeting.

Megifer · 04/03/2026 18:36

youalright · 04/03/2026 18:34

But we are all literally agreeing on the same thing op needs to email the school and find out about this tiktok account. Whatever comes from that will be the answer

Show quote history

Tbf youre definitely right with this comment!

CharlieSays13 · 04/03/2026 18:37

I would email. I'd start the email by thanking her for a productive meeting and summarise any agreements made. Follow on by asking for clarity around her concerns regarding a TikTok account that she raised out with the meeting as she was seeing you out and cc the Head of School. I absolutely wouldn't let her away with that, she knew exactly what she was doing therefore her boss should too.

DurhamDurham · 04/03/2026 18:37

It the account is totally anonymous how would the HOY have known it was your daughters? How do you think they found out @ThisNewCyanBiscuit ?

Megifer · 04/03/2026 18:37

Curleddown · 04/03/2026 18:33

I think we will all hear the school’s collective sigh of relief if @ThisNewCyanBiscuit decides to withdraw her daughter from the school.

Yea I do hear some schools just don't like ND children being there.

JLou08 · 04/03/2026 18:37

I'd send her an email thanking her for raising what she felt was a safeguarding issue, however as your DDs account doesn't include photos you don't agree with it being a safeguarding issue but would like to know what she intends to do with what she perceived to be a safeguarding issue. I'd copy head teacher in too.

Acafan · 04/03/2026 18:38

MimiGC · 04/03/2026 18:27

Is a 15 year old sitting in a school toilet for half an hour really a safeguarding issue?

This was my thought! She didn't leave the school premises. She wasn't engaging in dangerous behaviour. She should have been in class, so I guess it's a rules violation, but I'm not sure she was in any danger?

Amira83 · 04/03/2026 18:39

You should have replied to her to say those things, that she is anonymous, does not post videos and she is allowed a tiktok account. My daughters and their friends all have tiktok accounts, nothing wrong with that.

Motheranddaughter · 04/03/2026 18:40

I would probably let it go
I do believe you (some teachers can be very petty) but you can’t prove it

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 04/03/2026 18:42

Why is everyone assuming HOY has found the TikTok? DD or another child has probably just mentioned it in her hearing. Could be as simple as one child saying to another, "Did you see that dance that DD posted to her TikTok last night? So funny!" And HOY has walked past and overheard.

TikTok in itself is not a safeguarding issue, especially as DD is over 13. Shaming children and parents for having social media is. I would recommend that HOY takes a course with CEOP Education in order to update themselves on keeping children safe online.

pilates · 04/03/2026 18:43

Honestly there are bigger battles to fight than that. Let it go.

Chocolateandsleep · 04/03/2026 18:44

Is it not more likely that daughter mentioned having tik tok or seeing some content on there to the HOY?

Amira83 · 04/03/2026 18:45

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/03/2026 16:33

Your daughter will have another account. You are being very naive. I am a teacher and the amount of parents who have no clue what their kids are doing on social media is scary. It's a head of year's job to know these things and other kids talk.
Obviously the HOY expected your DD to go straight back to class and I assume contacted the class teacher to inform
her - sometimes that class teacher doesn't see the message. That's the issue that needs raising.

I am almost 100% certain the HOY did not say anything in a smarmy way or in retaliation.

Pieceofpurplesky your comment is out of order, just because you are a teacher does not give you the right to say her daughter Has another tiktok account that she doesn't know about, how actually dare you. Especially as a teacher you should know that Every child is not the same, as Every parent is not the same. Shame on you.